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female
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*leopatra
writes: I am still crazy in love with my ex boyfriend. I think about him all the time and when i see him it's like no time has passed between us. He is the best lover I ever had, he is nurturing and gentle and took care of me in everyway except pulling his part of the bills. The trouble is he has problems with gambling and maintaining employment. I worry he would destroy me financially because I am so weak to him that if he needed anything I would take care of his debts before paying my own. I broke up with him hoping that he would fight hard to pull himself together so we could be together. That was 2 years ago. I try to stay away from him hoping it will get easier not being with him, but I miss him terribly. I have tried dating other people, but my thoughts always turn to him. I try to just love him from a distance. I try to tell myself that if I were important to him, he would get stable. I know he loves me and I am so deeply in love with him. Can't be with him and can't be away from him... HELP.
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (24 October 2006):
 Hi Cleopatra,
If you *both* want this relationship to work, then I think that your ex needs to see a professional to get over his gambling problem. You also need to stop giving him money. If you two get back together, you need to plan a budget and stick with it. If he reverts back to gambling and such, isn't trying to get out of the habit, and you keep bailing him out, then I think it's time to move on...for good. (It doesn't really sound like you two broke up from your post, it looks like you just "said" to him that you were breaking up with him and nothing really changed. At least when it came to supporting him and loving him...).
Have you ever NOT paid his bills? I would seriously do that if I were you because it will only help him in the long run. (It will also help you!!) He needs to learn how to be responsible in addition to getting over this gambling problem. I was going to say that if he has extra money, then he could gamble -- but I've rethought that idea; I don't think this is a good one. It might lead him back into an addiction after being away from it for a while. You know what I mean? It's kind of like telling an alcoholic that since he's been sober for so long, he should go have a drink. Sounds kind of stupid, doesn't it?
Let me ask you this - are you sure he wasn't super sweet just to get you to pay the bills? I know that you probably don't want to think about it that way, or will right away say that he isn't that kind of person, but you should really take this into consideration. Ask yourself what's in your best interest, too.
As for constantly losing his job - I'm thinking that because he hasn't had any real responsibilities when it comes to money, he doesn't take his jobs too seriously. Like he knows that you will always be there to save him. This is another good reason why you should stop bailing him out all the time. He needs to learn how to be a more responsible person. And if you really love him and value yourself, too, then you will stop giving him whatever he needs all the time. That's not good.
Take care.
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