A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts!I broke up with my bf a year ago. People who love me dont like him anymore because he could have cheated on me (not sure, however proofs led to break up). Though we broke up for the public, we have been meeting and talking. The relationship is not as solid and certain as it used to be but we haven't been able to stop loving each other. I still do not trust him with my life but have come to a point where i've lost all expectations of loyalty in order to avoid getting disappointed.I've been lying to people about having cut contact with him and thats also adding on to my stress. The issue is that I cant imagine myself being with anyone else and cant stand the thought of him being with anyone else. He claims that he's always been faithful and will be. but i had several proofs that look like he's cheated in the past. My people think that he's with me for money. Now i don't see it that way because i love him. The only thing good about him is that he is committed to the relationship and serious about getting married. Before I spied and got influenced by what my parents, aunts n uncles think of him, We shared a great relationship.He's been warning me that if I don't buckle up and save this relationship by loving him like before (meeting more often, telling people that we're back together etc), he would find someone to get arranged married to. He also insists that I marry him by next yr. But I have plans of quitting job and doing masters in for two yrs after which I'd be ready to settle down. It would be upsetting for everyone if I decide to tie the knot now because 1st off everyone dislikes him and 2ndly I've not finished my education and people think I'm ruining my life. Is it a good idea to trust him again and make it work out, or should I be ready to lose this relationship? I feel like I'd regret later if i lose him to someone. But I also think he should be the one to wait and prove his innocence since he did mistakes that cost my trust. On the other hand this could be an idealistic expectation I'm having. He's going through a tough time in his life and needs some emotional support, which is why he threatens to marry someone if i don't give him the love and trust he needs. He tends to hurt people he loves and disregards their emotions (at home) and I think that's the treatment I'll get if i marry him. He refuses to join me for couple counseling too.My mother is convinced that I deserve a more honest person, who wouldn't take my niceness for a ride but for me it's about the love and attachment I have on him. I know he's not the ideal choice but then I love him. The uncertainty is killing me and it scares me to lose him forever. Is it right to risk my future, and lose social support for a love that may turn against me one day? I'm thinking that I will make a decision only after 2 years, once I'm done with my higher education and my bf is not ready to wait that long as he says he doesn't trust me to set it right after that long.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 May 2016):
 I assume you have heard about the rarity of a leopard changing his spots? Your BF is best viewed in the rear view mirror.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): Hi,i would strongly advise you to place your bf in the background for just a while and think about what it is that YOU WANT, DESIRE AND NEED, not what your bf wants, desires and needs.This is actually not about your bf, nor him pressuring you to some degree, to tell everybody that you are both together again, to stay with him and marry him by next year.This is about YOU and YOUR FUTURE! I think your family are simply looking out for your best interests, because they love you and want what's best for you, however, annoying this may be to you.Whilst i understand that from a cultural standpoint it's hard, because traditionally, your elders will always have the final say and although you wish to be with this guy, they may be right when they say, he's not for you.You are still young, you say you love your bf, but you must ask yourself, after all that you've written about your future studies, your family, your bf, will you truly be happy remaining within this type of relationship?Will your bf change, compromise, treat you like a queen, rather than a substitute?It sounds as though a part of you only remains with him, bec you feel somehow indebted to him, feel sorry for him, as you say, he is going through a lot.Your bf sounds quite selfish and domineering and if you decide to remain with him, i suspect you will have to deal with him alone, not to mention if his behaviour toward you worsens, which is highly likely, then what will you do?I doubt he'll change in the future, if he refuses to change now.Be strong and do what's best for you, regardless of the outcome.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 May 2016):
 No no no, OP, listen to Mom. When we get posts from women in your country who are threatened with arranged ( and unwanted ) marriages, or who risk losing a true love in order to respect social conventions ( difference of caste or income ) I usually encourage them to be brave and to stand up for themselves against their family 's pressures.
But frankly this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen....and it transpires from your post that deep down you know it too.
First , the trust issues. Now , you do not have firm evidence, I guess, - ( otherwise hopefully you would have left him ) only strong suspicions but still what it is a relationship without mutual trust ? Almost nothing. Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and if your bf has behaved , even just because of naivety or imprudence, in a way that brought you to lose your trust, you are right : it's up to him to rebuild that trust , also showing respect for your needs and sensitivity for your problems- which he is not doing at all. Instead, he is pressuring and blackmailing you ! If you don't do what he wants he'll get an arranged marriage !! OP, is that the language of love ? Is that how a truly in love, committed man would talk ? Heck no : he talks like someone who drives a hard bargain and does not want to see a good bargain slip through his fingers.
Do not dismiss your relatives ' suspicions that he is with you for money. If he is instisting so much to get what he wants, and fast too, be sure that there is something in it for him. It could very well be money.
Could not it be that he is pressuring you because he is oh so in love with you ?
No. True love is not selfish and if he loved you he would care about your future and your happiness more than you care yourself. Two years it's not a terribly long time to wait ( you still would be dating and in contact in the menatime ) , so if he is in such a hurry, and so anxious to make you do something that jeopardizes your future , crushes your dreams, and puts you against your family, well, ask yourself why such a rush. Maybe he does not want to give you enough time to realize that he did cheat on you, or that he really is after your money.
Plus, as you say yourself, anyway he is someone who hurts people ( don't say " people who he loves " ! if you love somebody you don't hurt them ! ) and to disregard their feelings, and that's the treatment you feel you'll get too.
I think you are right. You just described a selfish, entitled prick, and that's not likely to change.
Who cares if " he needs emotional support " now... so if he can't get it from you , he will get it from an arranged bride ?! OP, I mean, seriously ? You would need emotional support too now, but you are not threatening him to marry another guy tomorrow if he does not give you evidence of his loyalty and does everything you want !
In conclusion : no, it is not worth risking your future , your career, your happiness and your family ties ( and your money.... ) for something based on these shaky foundations.
And remember that ... " but I love him ! " is the weakest, stupidest excuse ever for risking ruining your life.
You have to love yourself first,- then you can love someone as your equal. In a healthy relationship based on mutual trust and mutual care. If any of these things is missing, " love " is just a cuter name for infatuation and codependence.
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