A
female
age
36-40,
*onfused_0110
writes: i have been seeing this married man for a year! I know that he loves me and i love him! He spends so much more time with me than he does at home, i understand why he can't leave though rihgt now! He has a lot he has three businesses and lots of property we didn't mean for feelings to get involve. i am married also and my marriage is not going so well theres alot of problems there. lately i have been telling him to leave her and i guess pressuring him about it. i guess my question is if i stop pressuring him about it and don't mention anything else about it will he finally do it. we have so much chemistry and everyone that knows us knows says that we are a great couple. what are my chances i really do love him and i know that he loves me. i know that people say don't pressure them and they will do it on their own but i just need advice and he also has a son that is still living at home.. Someone please help me i love him to death
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): i read and re read your posts and can only say now you really do come across as lacking in self esteem, you need to build up your self worth and not measure yourself as the boss'e lover but as a person. you seem to be in awe of his wife, if you admire her so much who d yuoo know thaat he still doesn't love her. You see marriage is more than just sex. I hink your lover values his wife and you too. You are so afraid that if you pester him to leave her he will leave you instead. I actually pity you, your self esteem is so so low. You are so afraid. I think you know the truth, that he will not leave his wife. You are basting your sex life as a love life and you are falling short.You have not dealth with your marriage ending, you just moved on to your boss. Is this your rebound relationship. Perhaps you were lonely and needed a shoulder to cry on. Then the wonderful boss made his move on you. don't know. You sound so needy and clingy, as though you need a man to exist. You don't you know. Your boss has told you he also needs to work on his marriage but he wants you too. Doesn't that speak volumes to you. You ae just his sex on the side while he lives it up with his wife and children. He may even be ashamed of yo. Will he ever accept your two girls?? Hi children are now almost big, would he want to be burdened with you and our girls. He just wants his sex and that is all you are to him. Please re evaluate your life. We are in 2009, women have moved on as being mere sex objects, YOU can too. You just need to accept what you are really in his life, and move on. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Hard, hard lesson to be learnt here. But at least you can have your pride and dignity back. If you want it. You have made it so easy for your boss - to sleep with you, yet be ashamed of you. Your boss is living the life of the one reaping all the rewards and benefits. Being the other woman is so sad, especially for you. You should make a clean break, look for another job and give your girls a better life. The life of a mistress is not for you. You have a choice but it needs to be a hard decision. Yes you can make a clean break from this man. Do not let him use you anymore. You, do not allow him to use you as well. Value your body and your heart. What is going to happen when your husband suddenly appears? Have you thought of that? Your boss knows that you need someone right now and he is willing to be that someone for you, but only sexually. In your heart you know that youdon't mean anything else to him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Revised reply:
Where do I start with this mess. yes it is a mess that you are in? why ? because you have made it so easy for your boss to F**K his employee. you claim to love your boss, why because of all his property and business? or because he gives you something your husband doesn't? what is that?
You say that your husband left you and your 2 girls and what do you do? You become a mistress, why? because it is so easy. Being a mistress is so easy, you provide the sex, on the plate ( and in your situation at work), you are the close ear n business dealing, oh and I AM sure you are so understanding, well the wife JUST DOESN'T understand him. BULL SHIT. Your boss is just FU&*ING with you why? because he can! You make it so easy and believe me he THINKS that you are easy!.This man is used to you because you have been giving it to him, No questions asked. I am assuming that there is a age gap between you both. How much older is he. He wants his wife and YOU? The same old question time after time being asked WHY? Because you are just his little booty call, his little employee who is giving the bossman a little something on the side.
What about financial worries now that you are “single”. I am sure you are worried about financial problems you will experience now that your husband has left. So your lover, your boss can foot the financial bill for them. So easy, you pay with your body while he pays the bills. Convenient eh? Are you a role model are you to your girls. Think of how you are Paying for the financial luxuries (with your body). You say that you don’t want his money but you know that financial security is what you so desperately crave right now.
You claim to have such chemistry but why is it? It is because you are indulging in the illicit; the illicit relationships that happen always claim to have chemistry and such good sex. My dear, of course, you have chemistry, this man is getting it all from you. You are his paid employee and his mistress rolled in one. Of course he says he loves you. How else is he going to continue getting into your skirt. He is obviously telling you what you want to hear. My dear, this man is not in love with you. Why? He would have left his wife by now if he was. Ask any man that has left their wife for the lover. They make a decision and your boss has not. Why because it suits him. Your lover knows that you do not want to leave him. He has it all on his plate.
I see that A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009) wrote:
“I m in the same position as you and I can understand how you feel now……………I wish you strength in overcoming this emotional upheaval.” For this anony person being a mistress works for her, she has chosen her path in life, Her lover has set her up. She posted her question recently and was bombarded with “invaluable advice” yet she has chosen to remain in this illicit relationship because this works for her. I urge you to read all the comments made in her post. This anony female is painting a good picture of being a mistress. In reality it is not. This female is stealing from her lover’s wife and family yet she doesn’t care. She even wrote that her son understands and told her as long as she is happy but does her son know that she is a mistress. Obviously not! Morals my dear, morals. The female poster is trying to teach you how to be a good mistress, just like herself. A lot of people will post about their experiences, what works for them and what not. You need to ask yourself whether you want to continue being the OW. You are still young, being a mistress works for some, others learn when it is too late that they could have averted the disaster.
The question right now is, do you start looking for another job because your boss is not going to leave his wife. He will expect to still sleep with you and you will oblige. But for how long? For how long will you just be the OW, with nothing in return. You say that the wife is a good person and I am sure you will say that you are a good person. SO who is the bad one here. Perhaps the boss because he is getting it from you and his wife. Talk about having and eating his cake. Your lover knows that he is safe with you, that he can have his wife and you and you are happy with being his side meal. He has invested so much in his marriage. Are you willing to let him loose everything. His divorce will cost him dearly. He will begin to resent you and then he may not want you. Then what?
Only you can decide. I say again that you are young, I am sure he is older than you. You are his bit on the side. Becareful what you wish for. You can gain some self respect back. You hold the key to your happiness. Be a mistress fro the rest of your life, be known as the OW or you can take charge and LEAVE HIM, find another job.It will be hard but Get your respect back. For yourself and your girls. After all they deserve a decent mother and you deserve a SINGLE MAN, not a married man with kids. The question is, are you also prepared to make hard decisions affecting your life. Are you prepared to give up your MM, If not be prepared for lonely nights, being hidden from all, and just paying with your body. Be prepared to learn to be a good mistress. Not everyone can be, it takes a special breed of person. Are you that special breed?
But I say it takes a special breed of woman to end her relationship with a married man. I believe that you can be this person. Stop making excuses, and believe that you will survive without him. You should concentrate on your girls and give them the happy home that I know you can build. You do not have to build your life on your lovers wife's misery. There are plenty of good men out there. Go out and find one. After all you also deserve some happiness. As for your BOSS, WELL HE NEEDS TO REALISE THAT YOU ARE NOT HIS SEX SLAVE, YOU ARE A GOOD HUMAN BEING WHO WILL NOT TOLERATE HIS BEHAVIOUS ANYMORE. Meaning no more nokkie for him from you. End this now. Good luck.
Gina, i respect you for staying (through all the shit) with your husband. You have always provided such insight to people's problems. You are truely a remarkable agony aunt!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): I'm not saying its not going to be difficult since you (unfortunately) work for your lover.
BUT: you are coming up with all kinds of excuses to keep going with this man. If you want to do the right thing (and you admit that you know what you and he are doing is wrong) you will just have to make up your mind that you are going to grit your teeth and take the necessary steps to end it.
Yes, I said take steps to end it.
You don't have to quit your job now, BUT you CAN start looking for another job, and keep on looking until you find one. That's number one.
Second, get separated from your husband and begin divorce proceedings so that you can be independent.
Once you demonstrate that you have some willpower, and might I add, some backbone, you'll be more in charge of this and can have more self-respect and empowerment.
Do this and THEN see if your lover will divorce his wife in order to be with you - if he loves you as much as you believe he does. That will be the acid test.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): Frankly, I don't think you and your MM are at all on the same page. I have to agree with most everyone else. He ain't leaving the wife. Too much is invested in that relationship, unlike yours. Also, I think he got involved with you in the first place because, as a married woman, you wouldn't be in the same position vis-a-vis a single woman, who would want him to leave his wife for him. Usually when a married man cheats on his with a married woman, he's assuming there's some kind of safety there - that you won't leave you husband and, in spite of all that's said between you 2, you would (or should) know its all just fantasy.
You should read this post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-paramour-told-my-husband-that-he-used.html. Maybe it'll give you a little more perspective.
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A
female
reader, r4nd0menough2luvu +, writes (27 March 2009):
 yes, you should stop pressuring him.He has a tight spot in life. He is busy and has 3 jobs. Also if you truely love him you will wait for him and he will wait for you until everything is settled
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): I m in the same position as you and I can understand how you feel now. U wish he would leave his family for you as both of you are so much in love. You feel the pain when he cant be with you as he needs to be with his family.
In fact, I am in a worst situation than you, because we could have been married 30 years ago as he was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We were together for about two years and I started to avoid him after he brought me to his house. I saw many idols that his grandmother was praying and as a young girl, it frightened me. I didnt want to be married into such a household. Maybe then I was too young to understand I need not live with the family. In those days, most people do stay with the in-laws.
He got married and I got married and we met 30 yrs later and fell in love again. My husband cheated on me and I decided to leave him for my boyfriend.
But I m very sure of this love and divorce my husband.
Straighten your thoughts if you love your husband or not. If not, divorce him first.
Once you are single status, its up to you if you wish to find someone new (which of course) is the best. But if you think, you cant leave this man, its your own life to choose what you want. No one else can say anything to that!
BUT, whether to leave his wife or not, leave that decision to him. However, Do not harbour any wishes for that. If he is a responsible man, he will not leave her, likewise he will not leave you too as he wants to be responsible to you too.
My boyfriend bought me an apartment and takes care of him. We sees each other everyday except sunday. He is still a good husband and father to his family. He is also the loving man to me.
As long as you can have him and spend quality time, what else matters? I do not wish that he hurt his family either. I decided to stay with him as I love him very much. N I know he loves me too, otherwise he would not buy me the apartment nor the life insurance on his life assigned to me.
When he cant be with you, pls go have a life yrself. Maybe go out with your girlfriends, reading, exercise in the gym etc. In that way, you will not think so much that he is with his wife and feel emotionally upset. (You have to condition yourself to accept this. If you cannot and feel hurt, then pls let him go. N go find someone else eligible)
You will also need to know if your kids will understand you and stand by your decisions to leave your husband.
I wish you strength in overcoming this emotional upheaval.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): OK...i hear everybody on here speaking of morals and statistics of MM leaving their wives...you have to do what is best for YOU!!!they're giving you advice and that's simply all it is...the pain of being without him WILL wear on you...when you know he's with his wife and son...i do agree with what the people are saying but only to a certain extent...especially Gina...in all her post/comments/advice she always refers to people who are involved in a affair(mistress/manstress) to be the ones at fault...when in reality it takes two to tango...yes he may not leave his wife but if you love him it's worth the wait...im not much older than you but ive experienced being abandoned by my husband...and im also involved with a man who is NOT married but in a long-term relationship and yes i was thinking we could have something...but when all hit the fan (meaning his gf found out, and called me and we talked) he still chose her...but this is the kicker within 48hrs he was begging me not to leave him alone...saying he's confused, he feels obligated, etc. yeah i know he's full of shit, but im slowly letting him go...him and his gf still aren't getting along...he says all she talks about is me...my point you never know what the outcome of you particular situation may be...it's up to you to weigh the importance of this man in your life and decide if you're willing to be hurt in the end...some and most of our situations are different but similar...Gina man had a sex addiction...he didn't actually fall in love with the other women he was with...so that's not even the same (in my opinion)...yeah he was cheating but he didn't fall in love with any of those woman...so of course he went back to Gina...he's heart is with her...but when you spend QUALITY time with an individual and share some of your most personal secrets/emotions and all your time isn't just sex...this again in my opinion is special...that's seems to be the impression that most people on this site have is if you are a mistress/manstress that your only good for sex, the bit on the side, cake and eat it too, etc. no one knows what you and your MM share but you...again...do what you feel is best for you...we as women have intuition and if he's BSing you...you'll know in time...get your divorce...and become available yourself...because next thing you know he'll be using that as excuse to not leave his wife...take it slow...your too into him right now from what i gather from your post...i was the same maybe 3months ago...you're not going to leave him alone just yet...so the people are wasting their time telling you that...DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOU...not no one else
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A
female
reader, confused_0110 +, writes (27 March 2009):
confused_0110 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni want to stop and i do feel bad for his wife believe it or not! she is a good woman and i know that! and i have told him to try to work on his marriage and he says that he wants that he just don't want to stop seeing me! i know that he can't really put all of him in it though as long as i am in the picture so if someone can tell me things to do to keep my mind of f of him then i can try! but its so hard because i know how we feel and i know he lovoes his wife but it is more of a attachment way and she is the mother of his children of course he loves her i know people who have waited though and they are together now so i just keep thinking do i want to give up what could be a good thing! someone please help me
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 March 2009):
 So when are you divorcing your husband?
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A
female
reader, confused_0110 +, writes (27 March 2009):
confused_0110 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokay gina if your husband has cheated so many times then do you mind me asking why you are still with him! not being mean just curious thats all
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): When you say you tried to do something but failed that is like a teenager saying I tried to do my homework, but I didn't. It means that you lack motivation, not insight.
One of the reasons you lack motivation is that you haven't had any consequences for your poor choices.....yet.
But you are about to. I understand that there are reasons that people get into affairs, you were vulnerable when your husband disappeared on you, and this man felt safe to you probably because you see him every day at work.
That said, it was a mistake and you know it. If your husband is a complete jerk, then file for divorce. When you file first you have more power in the whole thing and usually come out better....get a settlement and move on down the road. But do not delude yourself into thinking that this man is going to leave his wife for you.
It sounds like he is your boss as you say he owns businesses. He has money and you won't let him share it with you so you mistakenly thinks this means he loves you.
But let me tell you as a former business owner, he is highly unlikely to divide his assets with his wife and go through a divorce, it could devestate his business holdings and he needs to be employed, too....so you have about an icecube's chance in hell of ever getting him to leave his wife. A lot of men like this have huge egos, and what you are to him is an ego stroker.....he doesn't love you the way you need to be loved.
Love is action and a concious decision to be a person worthy of love my making a commitment to the other person to put their needs above your own. He can't do that for you becuase he is already commited to someone else, his wife and his son.....you deserve better.
Don't tell yourself you have tried to cut it off, that is BS, you simply DO cut it off and let this be your motivation to do so: you do not need him to be happy, you deserve better, you deserve to be free to find someone else to love you the way you want to be loved, the whole thing, not left over crumbs of attention and sharing some other woman's man. Get the divorce and get on with your life...don't cling to this jerk out of a false sense of security. He can't fire you because if he does you can file a sexual harassment suit against him and take him for everything he's got and he knows it....why else do you think he is professing his undying love for you, to keep you quiet! A man does not love his mistress, he lusts after her.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 March 2009):
So when are you divorcing your husband?
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A
female
reader, confused_0110 +, writes (27 March 2009):
confused_0110 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have tried to stop seeing him i really have! but that is a hard thing to do! and my husband left me and my two girls and abondoned us for 4 months!and i know that you all say it is wrong and of course i know its wrong and if you have ever hade feelings for someone then you know how hard it is to give up!my MM is good to me but i will not take anything from him no money no gifts or anything so its isn't about the money and he knows that as well as i do! we started seeing each other when my husband left and thats how we became close and plus i work for him so it is hard to stop seeing him! i can't quit my job i have to have it because i never know when my husband might run out again so what am i supposed to do! i know that everyone is saying forget him and move on but that is hard to do ! and i know that my MM loves me hes good to me and its not like he lies to me he tells me that his wife is a good person he don't put her sown or anything. they just grew apart and changed and they just don't have it anymore! and i know that i should leave him alone and stop talking to him but when you feel that way about someone you just can't do that and you guys know htat just as well as i do
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 March 2009):
When are you divorcing your husband?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): You say you "love him to death" Well, in that case, let me tell you, this is not a life-giving situation. Quite the opposite.Unhappily married or not, the facts are he IS married, YOU are married. What happened to your vows to be only with your spouses when you married them, in sickness and in health, for better or worse? Quite frankly, I feel sorry for his wife and for your husband. They don't deserve this, no matter WHAT the problems are. You both are betraying them by carrying on this affair. Its just not right.Your chances are about zero. Married men usually don't leave their wives to be with their mistress. IF you really care about this man you'd urge him to work on his marriage and you should be trying to do the same. Or, if you HAVE tried, and the situation in your marriage is without hope, then start divorce proceedings so you can make a life on your own.You say you have "so much chemistry" and you really love one another. Well, as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Do you seriously think if he leaves her and you leave your husband that your lives together will be a bed of roses? Sorry, but I'm calling this as I see it, based on what you have written.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): Do a search on this site for infidelity or look up having an affair with a married man and see what is written there time after time.
Married men do not leave their families or their wives.
Married men are off limits....
You both are cheating on your families, your spouses, your kids.....what makes you think that if he leaves his wife and you leave your husband that your relationship will last and that he won't eventually cheat on you?
Statistically you have less than a 1% chance of making it beyond a year if you do end up together and leaving your spouses.....is it worth ruining your current relationship for less than a 1% chance of success?
Affairs are so seductive because they are based on fantasy. The two of you do not have a marriage or any of the real life obstacles that an affair happily avoids...no mortgage, no bills that are struggling to be paid, no dirty diapers or even any dirty laundery to wash.....just pure sex and talk of stuff that will never happen....
It isn't real at all.
Grow up and get over yourself.....if you are unhappy in your marriage, then turn towards your husband not away from him and work it out! If you do the work and you still can't resolve to be happy, then get a divorce! Do not devestate your husband and your kids if you have them by dumping them for another man....which ain't likely to happen...this guy is married, he owns businesses, he is financially going to lose his shirt if he divorces to be with you....he is not going to do it, he isn't that stupid...but you apparantly are misguided.
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