A
female
age
41-50,
*isscz
writes:I need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together since may 2010. We have had a very happy relationship, no one has ever come between us, we have never argued or had a "break". We have been totally content and in love since day 1. But lately ive noticed hes been looking at other girls pictures on facebook ... one girl he works with, who he sits in the same office all day with, and others who are far more beautiful than i am. Im pretty, but im overweight (im dieting though, ive lost 4st since i started my relationship with him) and in my opinion im nothing special. (total confidence and self esteem issue i know - thats what you get from shit relationships in the past)He changed his hotmail password about 2 months ago and wouldnt tell me his new one (he knows all my passwords, ive changed my hotmail one now too though but left everything else the same like he has) he gave me the reason that he changes it all the time (he never has whilst ive been with him) and he said it was to stop him getting spam emails from when i log on to it to snoop at my works or home. I dont do it very often (he hates me going through his stuff), it was just easing my mind that hes not doing anything he shouldnt be when i had a look. He sometimes logs on it at my house anyway (so dont get the spam excuse?) and i have managed to look through his phone and his computer anyway .. i dont have anything to worry about as far as i can see and we blocked certain email addresses who could get in touch if they wanted to (ex girlfriend) when we first got together. He blocked my ex boyfriends too as we didnt want anyone to get in the way of us.But yeah back to the other girls thing .. ive only noticed hes being doing it for the past month or so (i couldnt look any further, i got upset with something), i logged onto his computer a few weeks ago when we were both off work and noticed hes looking at the girls on facebook and saturday morning just gone i logged on when he was out with a friend and saw these girls hes been looking at. as well as porn too (doesnt bother me too much, i do it too) It hurt to see him look at these other girls though and made me feel like i wasnt good enough. It doesnt help that we now only have sex once or twice a week instead of every day like we used to. What i didnt expect to find was him trying to search for his ex girlfriend (shes blocked on his facebook) but i think he unblocked her so he could take a look. he also searched for her on myspace and searched her name + naked on the end in google. it made me feel sick. i let him know how i felt in an email on sunday, i couldnt keep it in. i asked why hes been so cold and distant for the past few month, looking at other girls (i said it didnt really bother me too much if it was just a look at them, i know its a boy thing) why he looked for his ex, told him he wouldnt be happy if i started searching for my ex's, told him what he means to me and if he didnt want me then to let me go. He sent me a text message back (he was out with friends so it was easier to text me) and said i was getting a bit clingy and needy and ive never been like that, that he was sorry for looking at his ex, he didnt really know why he done it, he guessed he was just wanting to see how better his life was now in comparison (to how it was with her) .. he said sorry a couple of more times and that he loves me and if we want this to be forever i gotta stop doubting him. But i cant get rid of this pain in my heart, i cant get the thoughts out of my head that im not good enough for him.I know if he didnt wanna be with me then he wouldnt be. I know im being a silly cow and invading his privacy. But its not like he doesnt log on to my facebook and check up on me too. I do trust him and he trusts me, but the fact that he looked at his ex has torn me apart. Someone sort my head out please. Help me
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confidence, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, my ex, myspace, overweight, porn, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, misscz +, writes (29 March 2012):
misscz is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni dont know why its put me in that age bracket, i didnt select it?. im 24 and hes 21 .. so yeah we are young.
i dont see him on sundays, and i intend on not seeing him after this sunday for a few more days/weeks ... i need some space and i need to sort my head out. and maybe without me around he will realise what i mean to him and how much im hurt.
i know looking through his things was wrong, i know if i hadnt i wouldnt have to be feeling like i am now. i hold my hands up and admit its my own fault but i dont regret it.
i gave him the option to leave me if he wanted someone else and he stayed. a friend told me there is one thing keeping him here and that thing is me, that if he didnt want to be with me then he wouldnt be.
i just need to keep telling myself that advice
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Changing your email password does NOTHING to prevent spam… what a bogus excuse. He changed his password and does not give it to you because he has stuff he does not want you to see.
The fact that you don’t trust him and snoop on him is not a good sign. Also to be honest, you could NOT have been in love with him since day one… love grows over time…we come to love someone… it’s NOT a magical wake up and “I love you” from the first date kind of thing….
The fact that you both took actions to block each other’s ex partners is disturbing to me. This clearly is NOT a trusting loving relationship.
You and the boyfriend have been together well over a year now… having sex every day is part of a NEW relationship… sex 2-3 times a week in your age range seems pretty normal for a long term couple. Maybe even more than normal but then you don’t live together so I am sure you both take it when you can get it.
FWIW I look at my ex husband on facebook… NO I don’t want him back.. it’s just curiosity for me… to see the train wreck unfold in front of my eyes….
This question is about how you feel about yourself…. Losing 4st is no mean feat and I send KUDOS to you for that hard work and effort… learn to trust that you are the most awesome thing out there as far as he is concerned and relax a bit before you ruin it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): Are you sure you are in the 30-35 age bracket, because your actions and emotional maturity seem to be a lot younger. Maybe I'm wrong - I'm sure you'll tell me.
You're perfectly capable of sorting your own head out. You're not a silly teenager - you don't trust him and whether your lack of trust is justified or not, it will eat away at you and your relationship. He says you have to stop doubting him if you want to be together forever (more of this teen speak?!) Okay, perhaps it's time for an ultimatum, time to turn the tables, take control of your own future and responsibility for the relationship you are in! Tell him if he seriously wants to be with you then he has to ditch Facebook. Tell him you'll do the same. Afterall, it's only supposed to be the two of you in this relationship, right? Good luck.
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Well, in my opinion. . .IN MY OPINION. Looking up ex's through face book is no big deal. I've done it plenty of times for the exact same reason your boyfriend has stated. I wanted to see where I stood in life compared to where I was back then. I also wanted (and I regretfully admit this) to see how much better I became in life than she did. That was a personal thing, though. I was kinda holding a secret competition to become better than her because she had cheated on me before we broke up. I had no feelings for her, just an urge to be better.
I wouldn't really worry aboout the looking at ex's photos thing. But I would worry about him looking for naked pictures of her. That is something I've never done. . .while in a relationship. I don't think it constitutes as cheating but it does bring concern to the relationship. Maybe he's becoming less attracted to you?
Don't worry yourself too much until he starts talking to them. Then you'll have a real problem on your hands. Good luck.
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