A
female
age
41-50,
*uinell
writes:Hi all, I am not one to quit. Therefore in a relationship why do I feel like I am giving 100% and my partner is not. I have been with him for 3 and 1/2 years. I am 8 years younger than him and feel like his mother. We both work. I pay the bills while he saves for our house. I look after the kids (two of them from his previous relationship that aren't even his). Make sure everything is done before he gets home. All except the lawns. We have worked through a lot of barriers. I understood when I met him he was in a bad way. But now I am feeling drained. I have told him many times how I feel. It's like he forgets within the day and he is only thirty. His words never match his actions. I try my best everyday to make him happy and he tells me he has never been more happy in his life. I want to feel that way too. With him! I just feel emotionally overworked. Don't get me wrong I do back down when I feel like my needs aren't being met and he knows it from my actions. Are there more options out there to help him realize my hard effort into the relationship?
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (18 October 2010):
 You are being way too nice. It is time to stop being last in the list of priorities in your household. You are trying to be all things to everyone - a housewife, a worker, a babysitter for his kids. I think the way your finances are worked out is basically unsafe for your own future. If one day you have had enough and walk away...what do you get? If you pay the bills and he saves his earnings in a separate account then he gets to walk away with the cash while you walk away with the debts. I think you need to restructure finances in the home - you both share the bills equally, and what is left can be saved (in separate accounts that can be used for a house at some stage possibly). If he is not changing after you talk to him there is a reason. He doesn't feel that he has to. Not surprising he is liking his life - you are his personal slave who pays the bills, cleans the house etc - who wouldn't love that?!? Long term relationships are equal partnerships. If you keep picking up the tab financially and emotionally then that is what will happen in the future albeit resentfully. He doesn't think you will leave him if he doesn't change so he has no motivation as he is a selfish person. There are times when being a quitter is not a sign of weakness - people run away from lots of bad situations to start over, it is healthier than being stuck in hell. I am not suggesting you throw the towel in on him just yet. He probably should be given the opportunity to change. For a start you need to draw up a timetable for household tasks and organise the finances in a fair way. Stop doing the jobs that he should be doing and let them pile up...if you give in, he wins. Stop spending so much time with his kids. It is nice to bond but you need free time for you - go out of the house away from them and treat yourself. If he really doesn't change after all that, consider where this is going and what is going to happen to you in the end. You will end up burned out with the stress of overwork and won't have any financial stability to show for all your hard work either! Get tough and assert your right to a happy life - only you are going to look after you.
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