A
female
age
36-40,
*cljn
writes:Ok, here it goes. I have been with "J" for four years. He has helped me raise my children (none of which are biologically his) pulled me from a dark place i was headed down and showed me what a hood relationship could offer. The first year wasnt EASY but no relationship is all the time. We both have issues with communicating exactly what we mean. Things got to be great, I had a best friend, a confidant... Everything i ever wanted. Then over the course of the past year and a half (so im told) we didnt talk the way we use to, we didnt make plans to go out just the two of us. He stayed in bed most days until an hour before work. Im not saying it was all him either. I was diagnosed with depression and am treated for it. He isnt, but it would appear (at least going by what i know) that he may have the same problem. Then the storm started to hit home about 2 months ago... He no longer made time for me, picked up overtime on days we were scheduled off together (which sucked because i work 3rd and he works 2nd shift). This woman (a neighbor and coworker, and again this is what im told) started telling him that i have been making him out to be a monster and that i say mean and terrible things, i never said anything to her about my relationship with him. He asked me to tell her to mind her own buisness (which i did albeit politely)...it kept going. Finally i tell her "the shit stops now" and she drops a bomb on me..."he has been having an affair"...i didnt believe her and still dont but once that little worm got put in my mind it bothered me. So i asked him, he said no never happened, and thats what i get for talking to this woman. Now he is no longer living here... Said he needed space...and I KNOW i should have just kept my cool and left him alone for a while, but all I want is tO be given another chance to prove I am NOT this "judas" he is making me out to be. Its been three weeks that hes been gone and not a single passing day has it gotten less painful for me. I need him in my life. He showed me how to be a better persOn. What i want to know is, should I just give up on him? Or do I keep trying?? Ive kept promises ive made, but again i should have given him his space... I know i sound pathetic and needy and just overall desperate... But I feel so hollow... I cant find joy in my daily life. I feel lost.
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female
reader, Acljn +, writes (10 June 2012):
Acljn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionApologies but i feel that i should clarify a little more... We were engaged to be married, their birth father is not in the picture(his loss) because of drug related and alcohol related issues that he does not want to work to fix, and he was someone who put my children in danger. Yes we were going to apply for adoption when we became married. I understand your concerns, hope this helps. We didnt even move in together until last june (and this was after discussing it with my kids :) )
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): "They are all in counseling as well but i thank you for your concern and they are all from one previous father. I dont make it a habit to just jump from one guy to another."From previous anon male poster: Appreciate the clarification, apologies for jumping to the wrong conclusion, hope you and your kids can get through this difficult time in your lives.BUT, at the risk of coming across as a moralistic judgemental old ^^^^, I must say that for kids' sake it's never a good idea for any single parent to allow boyfriend (or girlfriend) to assume role of surrogate father or mother absent any legal relationship (marriage, blood, adoption) given that bf/gf can disappear quickly and suddenly for reasons children can't possibly comprehend and never be heard from again, as in this case. Kids are probably blaming his sudden vanishing act on something they did wrong. Another unfortunate reality of bringing adult strangers into kids' lives: pedophiles don't carry signs, so any parent who gives unrelated adult unrestricted access to minor children may be potentially (albeit unwittingly) compromising their emotional well-being if not physical safety. Not sure if your kids' father is in the picture, but if I was him I NEVER would have allowed my children to sleep under the same roof as your boyfriend, nor would I have brought another woman who was a total stranger to them into their lives. Kids are always the ones who suffer most in situations such as this one, and the impact and effects of parents' behavior on children's lives is too often underestimated, overlooked, or completely ignored.
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A
female
reader, Acljn +, writes (10 June 2012):
Acljn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey are all in counseling as well but i thank you for your concern and they are all from one previous father. I dont make it a habit to just jump from one guy to another.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): Your kids need therapy as well.
You allowed them to develop a paternal attachment to a legal stranger (no relation by marriage, blood or adoption) who has suddenly vanished from their lives, presumably without explanation or possibly even a good-bye.
Perhaps you can find some joy in your daily life if you stop pining over yet another ex-boyfriend and start devoting all your energies to being a responsible and attentive mother to your children. Nothing more joyous than the laughter of happy, well-adjusted, emotionally healthy kids.
I'm not a professional and this is pure speculation so advance apologies if I'm off base, but given your stated age group and history, I get the impression that you apparently had multiple babies by multiple boyfriends before you turned 21. This suggests to me that you have deep-seated issues dating from childhood that are influencing and motivating your behavior in ways you don't fully understand. Hopefully therapy can help you make the connections and resolve the issues so you can move forward with your life. Your kids are depending on you, you need to overcome your dependency on men.
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A
female
reader, Acljn +, writes (10 June 2012):
Acljn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I am currently in therapy, and have a few close friends that I talk to, ive been working on finding a new hobby and cleaning my house to take my mind off this whole mess. I am also looking for a new job and home because i just cant live here anymore. It doesnt feel like home. Ive been setting goals for myself one day at a time. I know the decision is his, and ultimately i have no affect on it in any way. It just...sucks.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 June 2012):
 Are you currently in treatment for your depression? Do you go to therapy? If not then this would be a great time for you to start, because you need to talk through your emotions and let them out in a healthy and productive way. Getting desperate, doing things you might regret later, destructive though patterns.. well, we all struggle with being constructive in times of pain, but with your depression on top, and children to take care of in addition.. This extra stress might just be overwhelming. Talking to someone, reaching out to someone, will help you. I know you came here, to dearcupid, and that is one way of reaching out. But there is only so much we can do. A real live trustworthy friend would be much better. And not this poison-spreading woman who enjoys spreading rumours and putting her nose where it does not belong.
Do you have any good and close friends? Can you talk to a therapist about what is going on? Talking helps, it helps you see things better and find a path to go along, rather than feel "stuck" in a lot of sorrow and pain.
Your boyfriend, you can not control his actions. Whatever you decide to do, give him time or not.. well, what HE chooses to do is on HIM, regardless of what you do. If he doesn't come back, or just the fact that he left, is not YOUR fault. He decided to do that, you didn't force him by physically pushing him through the door. You can not take full blame on that one, it takes two to tango, and if you made mistakes then so did he.
Try to calm down, have a cup of tea, and deal with what is happening right now, and not go into thinking about what you could have done, what you should have done, what you shouldn't have done etc. Deal with here and now. What can you do right now, and what do you want to do from here on? Don't start with the "I want him back". That's not for you to decide, and that's not something YOU can do. Focus on what you can do, yourself, and then do what you feel is best given the situation. For example: maybe you should give him space from now on? Or, maybe you should take a couple of days without talking, to think things through for yourself (that's always a good idea) and then try to talk to him?
But first things first, you can't make him do anything. Either he comes back or not, but that's up to him. But you can choose how you will deal with his absence and this uncertainty, for now. It wont last forever, at some point you will have closure, at some point you will talk again, and you will hear what he has decided on. Until then you have the choice to either get desperate, climb the walls and bawl your eyes out. Or you can take a few deep breath, and know that nothing is settled just yet. The ball is still up in the air, and all you can do for now is try to calm yourself down.
Whatever happens, this isn't the end. You'll live, regardless of what happens with your relationship. You'll live, and you'll pull through. Give yourself some credit. He helped you, sure, but you are strong now, and you CAN cope without him, at least for the next few days until you know for certain what he has decided on. Take one day at a time, and don't think too far ahead into "what if this or that". Deal with here and now.
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