A
female
age
36-40,
*rmyofme
writes:Recently I have had cause to examine my relationship with my boyfriend, and I am left wondering if he truly cares about me. We are both in our mid twenties and have been together for almost two years. Though he is fairly secretive and the type to play his cards close to his chest by nature, we have always had what I at least thought to be a relatively open and honest relationship. However, when recently attending a function with him along with his friends and their girlfriends, it emerged in conversation that he has been going out on the town with the guys and said girlfriends, and going to some lengths to conceal the fact. This was quite humiliating for me, I felt like the only person in the room who didn't really know him all of a sudden! I was also very confused, as I have never made an issue of him going out with the guys, there would be no need for him to lie. When I confronted him about it later, his reaction was one of "so I didn't tell you I went out, what's the big deal?". After some discussion he said he could see how this might undermine my trust in him and he'd "try to be better" but added "maybe I'm just sh*t". This last statement is concerning for obvious reasons.I do love him very much, and I have been trying to tell myself that boys will be boys, secretive creatures and all, needing freedom and space... but I have knawing doubts. I have been hurt many times in the past, and I know that if I don't face facts at the right time, it will only hurt more down the line. He doesn't make a lot of time for me, we have hardly spent a weekend together in all our time together - he plays football and watches football on a weekend (though I doubt this now) and he sees me a few weeknights in the week. If I question this and ask for more consideration in his schedule he becomes very defensive and says I don't make allowences for his hobbies, and claims that I am "much more demanding than other girls" (his friend's girlfriends). Although we have patched things up superficially, I am left wondering who he really is and what he really does with his time. I am having a hard time trusting him.This happened one week ago, and since I have been taking more space, talking to him less on the phone, and have stopped seeking his time for dates in order to take some time out and hopefully gain perspective. I am desperately searching my soul for how to act on what I see.Am I overeacting to some harmless and standard male behaviour? Could it be that he just needed some space with the guys and wrongly anticipated this might upset me, went about it in the wrong way?Or is this simply a sign that he does not respect the boundries of trust, or in fact me.. doesn't care? I would appreciate very much any input that any of you can offer me. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): I think this guy has genuine feelings for you. He has being in a relationship for 2 year. Has he always behaved like this with you?It seems he has something to prove to his friends that he is 'one of the lads' and if they treat their girlfriends like its very casual and they go with other girls, then is he trying to show them hes the same.The only thing with that is, when he is out with them, is going with other girls? Each person in a relationship needs their own space and time with their friends and you accept that. I dont think you are making any demands on him. He seems to do as he pleases and does what he wants. If he hangs out with younger guys then he is going to be more immature and his parents running round after him 24/7 isnt helping.You need to sit this guy down and ask him where this relationship is going and if this is still what he wants, or he is he wanting a single life.
A
female
reader, armyofme +, writes (13 June 2011):
armyofme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all and thank you for your input - it's really helped me to see things more clearly.
I have spent some time thinking about how I conduct myself in the relationship, naturally I wonder if I am too demanding since I have been told by my boyfriend that I am - but I really don't think I am.
Our opinions clearly differ on this though - his friends are mostly from work (he works in industry with largely other men). Most of these guys are a bit younger than him, the majority have what I would call 'casual' girlfriends and conduct basically single lives besides, even seeing other women. If this is his frame of reference I think I may be classed as demanding by comparison, as I expect mutual commitment in my relationships.
He can also tends to be quite immature - at 25, he has never moved out of home despite the fact he's had a very well paid job for five years. His mum and dad continue to do everything for him - washing, cooking, cleaning - they even get him up for work in the morning if it means getting up 2 hours earlier than they would have otherwise themselves.
He has had one previous girlfriend - a relationship that lasted 4 years, but I get the impression it was fairly distant, I recall that they spent very little time together and slept in the same bed only a handful of times during that period. Again, by comparison I probably am demanding - although I'm the type of person that likes to have a lot of my own space, I don't see the point in having a relationship if there is no mutual effort to keep it going. In other words, I'm easy going in giving him plenty of space, but I'm not happy to be sidelined.
Sometimes he seems to be stuck between two places - on the one hand, he seems to have genuine feelings for me and wants to be a good man to me. On the other hand, I think he feels the pull of his friend's lifestyles, naturally wants to keep up with them and be 'one of the lads'. Since they are not respectful in their relationships, I guess he would realise that these two things are not entirely compatible, meaning he might feel the need to lie. Or perhaps he just wants to have his cake and eat it. I don't know! So stuck..
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): I know where you are coming from on this one. Do you trust this guy and does he trust you? My bf is the same as he says 'i keep my private life private'. He tells me he is going out at the last minute, i dont see him much, 1 night threw the week and a Saturday or Friday and he has a hobby which takes up most of his time.
It doesnt sound like you are the nagging gf wanting to be with him or asking him where hes at all the time. It sounds like the relationship is on his terms, he sees you when he wants, and he is still going to do what he wants when he wants too. Hes in control of the relationship!
I think you do need to think about this relationship as he is giving you reasons not to trust him. Which girl wouldnt! I know how hard it is when you love someone you cant just walk away that easily. I dont think your overeacting, i would be suspicious and wondering why he didnt tel me that he had being going out with his friends. It seems to me he just does as he pleases and your not high up on his list of priorties. Your there for him when he wants to see and spend time with you.
Trust is hard and even harder when you the one who has being hurt before. In my case my bf doesnt whole heartidly trust me as i am younger than him so he makes me insecure by being secrective. So maybe he doesnt trust you and hes trying to make you insecure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): if you're in a committed relationship for 2 years why does he even need to "play the cards close to his chest"?? if he feels he has to play his cards close to his chest, that means either he doesn't trust you, or that you don't trust him and he knows it.he shouldn't have to report the details of his every minute to you, but at the same time if he never once mentioned that he's been going out on the town, that means he's intentionally keeping it from you, and the question is why? if he wasn't intentionally keeping it secret, he would at some point casually mention oh by the way the other night I was out with the guys when ...blah blah blah.... if he wasn't intentionally keeping it secret then casual conversation with him would have revealed some of his activities at some point. the fact that you knew nothing at all means he's been deliberately keeping it secret. So, why?? it's fine and necessary for people to have their individual freedom that doesn't involve their partners, but this doesn't mean doing things that are "bad" enough to warrant keeping secret from their partner.so the question is why does he feel it necessary to keep his activities secret from you? why does he feel that he needs to play his cards close to his chest? isn't being in a committed relationship about trust and NOT having to play your cards close? is it cos he's up to 'no good', doing things that he knows will upset you because they cross the boundaries of relationships? or is it because you've been over sensitive in the past and prone to get easily upset by anything? since I don't know you or him, I"ll just leave it at here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Well I had the same kind of discussion with my ex more than once. Then I caught on and started doing the same thing. Long story short, he was not happy with our relationship, but did not want to end it with me. Well that made me unhappy and I started cheating too. I have never been a cheater before this and now that I am not with him I will never again, my thought with it was he is cheating so why not?! I can not tell you what he is thinking, no one can, but him. I will tell you one thing, I am now in the most open, honest, and loving relationship I have ever had. I am the happiest I have ever been because of the honesty. If he can not tell you why he went out and why he did not tell you then he is hiding something big. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): He doesn't sound as into you as you are him. Weekend time is partly for couples, well at least one night - and he's been out with his friends and their partners without you - that would make me mad - especially the humiliating way you found out.
He's not making you a priority in any way except in the week when he's free from football etc.Plus he's being disrespectful towards you
I would play him at his own game, make plans for the week nights when he wants to see you, be strong - don't be available. See how he reacts after a few weeks of this and you may have an easier task deciding whats best for you.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): If he's a caring boyfriend, he would make the effort to call you and spend time with you. He would not be secretive with you and would be open about where he spends his time. It's not like you're demanding to be with him 24/7. Or are you?
Some guys are naturally aloof, but they would still want to spend time with you. If they're going out of their way to hide things from you, they will always deny it. Someone who is trying to cover something will always try to defer the blame so that they don't feel any guilt. This is one thing to think about.
If he thinks that you're demanding, indeed you should back off. But if by backing off it means you guys are not having a functional relationship, think about it. You need to spend at least two days a week together. If you don't, it sounds like he's not giving enough than he's receiving.
It's good to write in a piece of paper the pros and the cons of the relationship. On one column, write the things that you like about him and what qualities of him that you think are valuable. On the other column, write your complaints. Compare them. Weigh them in relation to importance. It should be pretty clear to you after that.
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