A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dont know what to do with my boyfriend. I love him very much, but at times (quiet alot of the time) he drives me INSANE. He is just soo lazy. He never cleans up after himself and just expects me to wash, cook and clean for him. I am 24yrs old. Those days are long gone!! I cant get him to do anything without us having a row, then i get called a nag. I really have to control myself not to hit him sometimes. I dont want to get so angry all the time and feel like this but he just wont do it otherwise and i am not his skivvy. HELP!!! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): I would be upset and concerned too, but anger won't get you anywhere. Did he have a Mother who did everything for him? If he did, then he's likely been conditioned to think the little woman (you) will step in do all these mundane, household tasks for him. Although he may be lazy to you, does the word "untrained" better describe you bf? Sadly, many men have not had that same training that women doing when they are growing up. .I think clearly, set out expectations need to be discussed here. Sit down and ask him what household chores he would like to begin doing and the two of you compile a list of what needs to be done daily. Negotiate and compromise. (Eg: my partner and I have a system. On the days, I make the meals-he cleans up afterwards and vice versa.In the spring/ summer months, he does all the outside yard and house maintenance and I keep the interior clean-sometimes we do it together). If he does star doing chores, appreciate all attempts at what he does to help...as I have a feeling, this will be totally out of his element for the first while. You may have to show him how certain chores are done or better yet, do a designated chore with him and have fun with each other. The whole key is to co-operate together...you'll get far further with this than berating/nagging him and it's simply less wear and tear on your nerves. Be patient, keep a cool head and hang in there. Don't turn this into a war at your home..you love this guy!. But really hun--his poor housekeeping skills is not worth the demise of this relationship. Communicate and compromise and do it lovingly and with purpose. Good luck, dear and I wish you both the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): Don't nag, don't cook, don't clean and throw his used towels out on a tree and he can go out there to get a dry one when he needs it, maybe when they start stinking he will do a load of laundry.
...............................
A
male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (28 January 2007):
 Counselling? For this? Thats kinda extreme... besides, she cant get him to listen to him about simple stuff like cleaning up after himself, I doubt she'll be able to convince him to go counselling.
The best way to deal with this is probably to stop acting like his mother. He's not 6 years old anymore so if he cant take care of himself, to hell with it. Once he realises that you're not gonna clean up after him, I'm sure he'll want to talk about it. Then just tell him outright that you're tired of cleaning up after him. If that doesn't help, go ahead and hit him:-P
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): Counselling. That you both seem to demonstate lack of effective communicative skills is apparents, put downs and thoughts of using violence to vent anger are not good signs of a loving and healthy relationship.
Counselling will show you how to speak to one another with a soft, loving voice and with purpose to work together and solve problems and not generate more anger and resentment.
Counselling will help you both on how to listen to one another and not re-act.
Counselling will root out what you both seek in a life partner and help you decide if you can be that for one another.
What is love to you? What is it you desire in a life partner? What do you see your role as being? What can you do to change this dynamic of your relationship?
Counselling will help you both answer these questions.
For now, take an hour break from the house and BF when you feel angry and unappreciated.
How about recalling one household chore that the BF can do and was good at and tell him how grateful you were when he did the chore and how helpful it was and kiss him. Shower him with compliments. May be asking a much as of now...but it does work.
Focusing and praising another's strengths helps build the trust and will build up the other person as well.
How about asking if he could help you with dishes once a week and how grateful you would be. IF he says no...says it's your job...say I would like it to be our job for awhile and this way, we can talk to one another and you would be helping me, I like it when you help me and hug and kiss him.
Counselling will be needed to open up the trust and communication as this is what the breakdown appears to be.
Best Wishes.
...............................
|
