A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend sees marriage as a long term partnership. He's very logical in his views of it. We were having a discussion last night where he told me the reasons he was with me (but taking out sex and that) - because he enjoys spending time with me, we have a laugh, because I understand him (mostly!) And because I support and also put up with him (he's highly ambitious) and he knows that we work well together. He also threw in there that my skills benefit his work skills and work is very important to him!Obviously he loves me as well.. he tells me everyday. He's affectionate and sweet and we have great sexual chemistry. But emotions do not hold a huge amount of weight with him. He doesn't believe in fairytale love ... he believes in companionship and partnership in the long run. I'm an idealist and I still hold onto the ideal of romance!! I say this.. but of course i always think of the practical sode of things too! He does not believe marriage changes anything fundamentally speaking and I know when we get married that he's doing it for me because I want it... this to me does mean a lot but I guess it doesn't live up to my romanticism! Is it bad that he thinks like this? Do other people think like this!? I'm thinking that his view on the situation is very pragmatic and therefore he has a greater grasp on reality of life and I'm just holding onto the intangible idea that romantic love can last forever because I see it in films and on TV. In your opinion ... which way do you view marriage or long lasting commitments when it comes to love and partnership?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): OP here.
Thanks for your advice.. made me understand more! To clarify, when I talk about romantic love I guess I mean I see marriage as being where the man loves you to the point where he is proposing because he doesn't want to spend his life without you. Whereas my boyfriend says it is simply an added layer of commitment. That kind of thing!!
I have grown to view his own ways as being a good thing but I guess I'm thrown at times.
He is Scorpio and I'm an Aries.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband and I are the same . It's hard to put ones finger on and explain because other tend to look and say 'what is the problem' but it's about love styles and what each of us need
For me , there was lots of practical ways he showed his commitment but I never felt loved because there was no PASSiON - and that was important to me
In the end we split because after twenty years I realised it was something I really needed. I saw a therapist and slowly came to realise that it was nobodies fault that this was important to me and its neither right nor wrong, it just is
At the end of the day you just need to know whether what you both have will be enough for you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): Is your BF a VIRGO? Lol My BF IS a Virgo.I am Sagittarius. So our views of love definitely CLASH. I am an idealist, a dreamer, a die hard romantic who loves to live in fantasy land. The sign on my door would read: "Gone to Paradise. Never coming back." Whereas the sign on his door would read: "Where is Paradise? Hold on, let's find the directions. How long will we stay? Can't stay too long, I have to get back to work. Yeah, it's nice here but there are other things in life besides Paradise."We compliment each other with our differing views though. I learn something from him and vice versa. In fact, I think our differences attract us to each other. And we have pretty intense sexual chemistry. If he wanted another person like him, I am pretty sure there would be NO romance. The differences are what create the spark and attract us to each other but ironically the differences could also be what irritate us the most about each other.I think just keep being you and being romantic. I think it will rub off on him. He will take your cues and your lead and respond. Mine does. I find I am gooey and flowery in my language, I am very open and he is practical and logical and sometimes it drives me NUTS!!!! I just want to shake him!!!! But I manage to take him to my Paradise and he really loves it there. Problem is he won't live there like me. Generally he answers my questions too logically. Example. I ask him if he thinks he will ever find another woman like me. He said Yes, in time if we ever broke up he would eventually meet someone. That is his expected logical answer. Not what I wanted to hear though. When I expressed surprise at his answer he backtracked and said, well logically he would find someone eventually just like I would. But ROMANTICALLY he will never meet another woman like me. I also asked him if he had to move away and never see me again, could he live the rest of his life without me in it? He said practically, yes, but emotionally, no. So he is learning! ;) But I get it. We women like the fairy tale. The Knight in Shining Armour not the retard in tin foil! LolSo just try not to hold too much weight to this. It is just the way he is. It does not mean he doesn't love you. Just that you are both different. Maybe you can try and meet each other half way. But to me it sounds like you have a good, solid relationship WITH sexual chemistry. That's a good thing! Just go with it and try not to question too much.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 Oh and P.S. I think your boyfriend's logical view of this is amazing and romantic and that someday you'll see that. You are in your 30s? What the hell are you waiting for, woman?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 April 2015):
You'd have to define romance here. What your boyfriend describes sounds like a lovely romantic guy to me. What does fairytale love mean, to you? That's a very vague term.
If it means he buys flowers from the gas station to bring home to you, is that fairytale or romantic?
You'll have to define what you mean by romanticism. Otherwise, we'll just make assumptions that don't fit in with your views.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): HiHe enjoys spending time with you, you laugh, you have great sexual chemistry, he's affectionate and sweet and tells you every day that he loves you. It sounds as if what you have is more real than anything 'romantic'. I understand if this is missing for you, but it sounds as if everything else is there and in a very real way.My last partner was the most romantic partner I've ever had, kept everything I gave him, wanted me to choose what he wore and what he smelt like, only wanted what I wanted, we were 'soul mates and each other's destiny'. Great until he started threatening me with violence, flirting with other women in front of me, then denying it etc etc. Better that you have what you have and it's real, than a load of romantic bunkum. When I read about your boyfriend I thought, wow, you have someone special. By the way, I no longer believe in romantic love either...wonder why...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 April 2015):
 Your story reminds me of the story of an Engineer who was married to his college sweetheart, and they had children who were in their teens.... One day, out of the blue, the wife said, "You know, Hunchy-Bunchy, you never tell me that you love me."
The Engineer was taken aback, and startled. Said he, "But, OF COURSE I love you. I've brought my paycheck home to you every month for the last 16 years!!!!"
Some people have peculiar ways of demonstrating that they love someone....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 I think at the end of it, you both agree with each other but you would prefer he talks in a different manner, such as you are his soulmate and you are destined to be with each other. The first time he saw you he knew you were the one. Today you are just as beautiful. He can buy you roses, take you out watch the sunset. But he is right that those intense, life and death moments only come in rarely and has to be waited and cherished.
Marriage is both. I believe old couples could still be romantic. He wants romance too, he just doesn't want the pressure that it has to be everyday. It has to be natural, not as easily available as you can pick up romantic novels from a store.
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