A
female
age
41-50,
*excinlove
writes:I have met a wonderful man online in a chat room in October of 2009. We met face to face and hit it of so well we have moved in together and not been apart since. Sounds like a happily ever after story well not quite. His ex girlfriend left him almost 2 years ago he is still in love with her and don't know how to stop loving her. He says he is falling in love with me but yet he wants me to accept her coming in our home and sitting on our couch and visiting, she has a boyfriend and he comes too. I am not insecure i do not believe he would ever cheat on me. But my bf still is so emotionally hurt that when she leaves I can feel the pain. And I can't deal with the fact he is in so much pain. He admits he loves her and don't know how to stop. When she don't come around we are absolutely fine. He don't act if he loves her but that he does love me very deeply. I have talked to him and expressed my feelings but he tells me if I love him so much I would accept it. I do love him completely but don't think he is fair to himself. So I emailed her and very nicely told her to not call no more and to stay away. She emailed me back and said "we will see how he feels about that. I told him what she said but i deleted it i wish I had not so I could have showed him cause she told him she never emailed me. But about week and a half later she and her bf come over and my bf was outside at the time, he invites them in and when she comes in she looks straight at me and smiles. They sit down i got up and went in our room and waited for them to leave. My bf does not understand why I get upset when I try to talk to him I feel like I am talking to a wall he will sit there and not say a word. So I come up with a compromise I asked him if he wanted me to accept her presence then it would be hard but I love him and am willing to as long as he makes it clear that if I am here he doesn't answer her calls, if I not here she must not be asked to come back later when I am here. And he agreed I think. I went shopping 2 weeks later and while i was gone her and her bf were here visiting. I felt very hurt and felt very disrespected. I am not sure how to handle this I believe our lives can be great but I don't think it will happen if she has a presence. I don't want to, but I cant deal with the ex I never met such an evil woman in my life till her. And that's not stretching the truth one bit. So should I just deal with it or should I make it very clear its me or her? Should I stand firm and if he wants to keep this relationship should i just leave.
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chat room, ex girlfriend, has a boyfriend, his ex, insecure, moved in, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): I think the guy in question is obviously trying to have everyones best interests at heart BUT you can't always please everyone.
His girlfriend should be his number one priority, and he should not be trying to convince her to his point of view about being there to support his ex. In my opinion, that is asking too much.
As much as this guy thinks he should help out the ex - it is not his responsibility. The guy should grow some balls and be there for his current girlfriend and put her concerns first. He should terminate the relationship with the ex (at least for the time being until she doesn't feel the need to turn up) on good terms... I think he might be surprised, she might turn out JUST FINE without his help!
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (14 March 2010):
 Another late idea, can you print off this post, blow it up to poster size and leave it on the floor so she can see his declarations of love the next time she pops in to take up space in your life.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 March 2010):
Ah... I understand.. like I said before, I wish I had wrote before the guy joined in.
Dear agony man, is she allowed to damage this unkind lady, like maybe spill the tea on her lap, or trip her up as she enters the door. :)
Aaaahahaha!!!!!!! NUDE PHOTO'S HAVE TO GO!! Put them in the box where you put the stuff from school and all the old Christmas cards.
Sexinlove, can't you treat the woman and her boyfriend unkindly. He won't ask her to go, so why don't you make them feel unwelcome. A quick, "sorry, but we are just off to have sex on the kitchen floor, so I'm sorry if it's rude, but your time is up." If she's got problems with her man, you are welcome to tell her to come here to Dear Cupid for advice.
Again, I understand what you mean, it's impossible to stand by when the person you love keeps getting hurt by somebody that is not worthy.
Keep up the talking you two, but in the end, it's the guy who has to change, what you are asking for is not unreasonable. He's got too much manners, this lady has none.
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reader, sexcinlove +, writes (14 March 2010):
sexcinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really would like to say thank you to everyone!!! Please keep the comments coming. I do think it is helping us,we are actually being able to discuss these issues and with the extra input it is helping us understand each other better. I believe we will be able to overcome the issues at hand. i would still like to continue this forum for we are still in need of assistance. We are still trying to find a way to resolve this issue. I am not sure he understands quite fully yet. I am hoping he will stop being so darn stubborn so he can see the bigger picture. I do not believe i am gonna loose him to her by any means i am confident there. After all she has put him threw he be silly to give up on us. I am the complete opposite of this woman. And i believe i am the best choice in any case. So this is not a jealousy issue at all. It is a insecure issue for me I think cause I feel I have not done my job as a woman and a lover. He still has feelings for her I get that but what i don't get is why after being split up almost 2 years why he still carries so much hurt and pain. It is very noticeable when there is a presence of any sort. i.e. phone calls,photos (the nude ones on his computer ugggggg he needs to put on disc period if he insist on keeping them right?) even when her grandma calls him he get upset and goes in the bedroom and hides so he can cry or whatever. I figured I been here long enough that that should not be happening any more??? And when it does that is what makes me feel insecure. Now i have read lots of articles online as to how to help get over your ex. I have also shard these same articles with him via email. And as far as him saying there was only the incident with the foot massager and that I or her bf was always around when contact was made with the 2 of them well that not the case I was taking a nap and I guess she called and wanted a ride so he not wake me and he went and give her a ride ummm to a hotel. He spent money on her also which really upset me being that we are broke at the time. He says that her bf showed up as soon as they got there, but yet they had a conversation about how she was not happy in her current situation. And had thoughts of ending her life. If you ask me she is trying to get his attention and it is working to a point. So as long as she is around at all it is not ever going to stop and as far as him making a decision before i was coming around. Please correct me if I am wrong about this but that decision was then and this is now then there was no heart to be hurt. And now there is my heart that keeps getting hurt...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): "Sexcinlove is my #1 priority along with her beautiful children to whom I give my love to as if they were my own."
Praise the Lord........intelligent conversation!
Yup, it’s the boyfriend again, and you have restored my faith in the "agony aunt"... Miamine, you are a leader of your people and have earned my respect. Thank you.
Now that we have respected the relationship enough to not just discard it like it was the Sunday paper, I will add more input and details which will hopefully help us all to overcome this challenge and move on TO HELPING OTHERS RESTORE THE HAPPINESS AND LOVE THAT RELATIONSHIPS PROVIDE TO PEOPLE AND MAKE THE CHALLENGES WORTH OVERCOMING TOGETHER...NOT JUST WALKING AWAY FROM!
Wow...did I… just agony aunt? ;)
Okay, without further accusation of disrespect for the woman you now understand that I love very much, I would like to point out that (the un-invited and random visits by the ex girlfriend) this does not happen often, and that, with the exception of the foot massager request, which I did not provide to her because Sexcinlove said she did not approve, all of the visits to my home have included both the ex and her boyfriend. Never has she shown up alone to visit, or requested my presence without her boyfriend with her. Her random visits have not exceeded twice a month.
I understand that none of those factors change the fact that Sexcinlove does not approve of these events. Furthermore, I even know why she feels that way.
Sexcinlove and I have exchanged stories of our past; my stories have included the cruel and painful experiences the ex repeatedly bestowed upon me for my foolish generosity. Stories, which can justify Sexcinlove’s adamant dislike for the girl by any conventional standards. Even mine....especially mine come to think of it
.
***That is not the issue in question here, NOR IS MY LOVE FOR SEXCINLOVE***
That fact is my point, and what I need Sexcinlove and the rest of you to understand. I love Sexcinlove, and I do everything I can to make her happy. Sexcinlove is my #1 priority along with her beautiful children to whom I give my love to as if they were my own.
My choice to continue to care about and even provide for if necessary, the ex girlfriend is no doubt unusual and unique, but it is also a choice I have made before Sexcinlove came into my life.
Sexcinlove, I love you more than you can imagine. I will always have our best interest as my highest priority. Never will I allow the ex or anyone else to take away from my ability to provide for our family in any way I can. Therefore I would ask of you to please forget the stories of disrespect and hurt that I told you about her and try to support my choice to help her in her new relationship BY SHOWING YOUR CONFIDENCE IN THE STRENGTH OF THE FAMILY WE HAVE BUILT TOGETHER.
Only when you can stand proud in the position which she chose to dissolve her place from, will you be able to show her what makes you the type of (quality) person I truly hope that she can someday become, because I do want the best for her despite the history she and I share.
That is exactly why you should value my love for you with the highest regard. It is unconditional, but best to be appreciated as opposed to being questioned.
"Sexcinlove is my #1 priority along with her beautiful children to whom I give my love to as if they were my own."
Again, thank you for your time and understanding of the issues which we have both brought up.
Sincerely,
Agony, “the man in question”, aunt….
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 March 2010):
 To the female poster I can offer only this: You need to decide whether you would be happier with this guy or happier without him. From his posting it is obvious that he will continue dwelling on all his past relationships whether it hurts you or not. You will either have to learn to live with it or walk. I believe in working on relationships but he's not going to budge. It's not like you've spent years together, it's only been a few months.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Your ex presence in her house is like a thorn under her feet. If it is not removed, it will gives her pain every time she walks .
She will be reminded of it every time she see's her and you can imagine the emotional pain and mental torture you are inflicting on her.
You do not understand what goes on in the mind of a woman.Words or promises are just mere words .
The only place where she can feel at ease is being violated by your thoughtlessness. Surely she has a right to her own privacy with you alone.
You could arrange to meet your ex in some other places but why must it be in front of your present g/f ? Should you not respect her views?
What you are doing is akin to torturing her with those searing hot irons. How long will she has to suffer mentally ,emotionally and psychologically? Is'nt this a form of mental and emotional abuse?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 March 2010):
Had a better idea.. marriage counselling may suit you both and help. Marriage counselling is not just for married people, it also helps couples in relationships. It will give you both the space to say how you feel, and show you techniques to come to a fair compromise. I think this will be very helpful. I believe that if you try to settle this alone it will end up with the lady putting up with something she's uncomfortable with. Give relationship counselling a try, this way everybody wins.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (10 March 2010):
Ah, the man joins in... Thank you sir for your comments, you are exactly as I pictured you. I am one of the aunts who is reluctant to say just leave, because I believe in working things out and compromising when you can. Adult love is strong enough to take a couple of knocks. In reality, people don't leave the person they love, they usually hang around and try to fix things.
I also know what you mean about loving other people. We can love more than one person, and we can love them for different reasons, that dosen't mean we don't love and wish to be with our partners.
Now back to the original poster, Sexcinlove....
Due to the fact that your partner has decided to write back, my advice has changed somewhat. I was going to tell you to leave as well, but not forever, just to create some distance, so he could miss you, and possibly realise how important it is to make sure other people are not in his relationship...
mmmmm... After reading what he wrote, obviously the man is in love with you and is thinking of building a future with you. However he seems like the kind of person who dosen't dump friends he once loved. He dosen't sound like his relationships with anyone woman is a threat to you, however he also dosen't see how painful this all seems to you. He also dosen't see that it is disrespectful and breeds insecurity by being at another woman's beck and call.
Sigh, wish I'd replied before he answered back.
What is best for you. You love this man, you understand him, you and him are happy sometimes, you just want his "friends" to go away, so he's not continuously affected by the past. That's not going to happen. But it is fair if his contact with these other ladies are cut to a minimum. It is also fair to request that he not see them on his own. His faithfulness is not in question here. But as for the woman and what she may be planning, I really don't know.
The reason why contact should be cut to a minimum, it is not good for her or for him. Their relationship is ended, he has become an "enabler", he is feeding her dependence on him. She will never be able to go on with her life or meet someone else to love as long as she has him there to pick up the pieces. Same with him, he won't be able to put in the time you need to make your relationship strong and intimate. Having another woman always asking him to do things or wanting to spend time with him, dose take something away from the relationship. It makes you jealous and makes you insecure about your place in his life. This creates arguments and makes you feel bad, so it's clearly an issue that he needs to do something about.
You have tried speaking to her, but she won't be respectful, she needs a dependable man in her life, so she won't go. You are of course fed up with this, and it's a bit too much contact for any woman to stand.
He must cut down contact to more respectful levels, or as other's have suggested, moving out may give you back some confidence and self respect. He will find there are very few women that could put up with this. It's alright to be friends and even to love your ex partners, but to always be running over to help them, that's much to close for comfort.
Now you have both answered, and the advice from us aunts seems to be the same. This man must change and limit his friendships, it's making you feel doubtful about how much you mean to him and making you insecure. If he will not change, you can not stay because it hurts you too badly and you can find a partner elsewhere who dosen't carry this type of baggage around with him.
My answer unfortunately is the same as everyone else, there is too much being asked of you for you to be happy and settled in this relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): Sorry for the confusion i was meaning that the contact with her only be made when I am around. I don't like how she makes him feel it tears me up not only cause he is hurting but that I feel I must not love him enough to cover the hurt and pain she causes him when she is around. Plus when she does come around its is cause she wants something. I don't feel he should do or give her anything after all she has done. I was once told "We teach people how to treat us" and he has taught her its ok to use him. And that is not cool she knows all she has to do is call. I and my b/f got in a fight one night she called at midnight and needed a massager for her feet and ask him to bring it to her he actually was looking for it and gonna take it to her at midnight. I am a very loving person I express my love a lot to the point I may be smothering but I want him to know that I do LOVE him more than she ever did or could (if she ever did). He is a great man and deserves the best and in my eyes she is the worst she has cheated and lied from the start and he would tolerate it that I not understand. And all he is doing is torturing himself over this woman. I honestly think if she continues to come around i will have to leave. I refuse to be in her presence when he shows the hurt very openly. It hurts me makes me feel like I am not making him feel loved enough. I am not jealous over her I know i am very beautiful woman and have a good head on my shoulders. As beauty is in the heart and not in what we have. And she has no heart at all
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reader, Laura1318 +, writes (10 March 2010):
Your home is a sanctity for you and your b/f only . His ex presence would violate the sanctity of your house.
Either he breaks off with his ex or he goes somewhere to meet his ex. Allowing the ex to come to your house is trampling on your rights. You have become a door mat .
You need to stand your ground. Let no one take away your peace and happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): Since I am the man in question I can assure you that I love my girlfriend very much, and for her to "just walk away" would be foolish because she (and her children)love me as well.Nevertheless, the fact remains that I still love my ex girlfriend and my ex wife. When I got married almost 20 years ago I intended that marriage to last forever...it made it 12 happy years and 2 painful years before it ended. I see my ex wife rarely, maybe twice a year. To deny I still love her would be a lie...I do. There is absolutely no way we would or could ever get back together, and there is no attraction to do so either, but I still love her.My ex girlfriend, the person referred to in the question is an entirely different situation. We were together less than two years, and broke up over two years ago. Again with this girl,I love her. I don't think I need to lie about that just to appease my girlfriend or anyone else like the narrow minded and no doubt single women who answered and seem to believe that relationships and or love is disposable and any effort to understand the feelings of the other person is not worth the time to mend, and continue a loving relationship. Our relationship is a loving one and will likely last forever because we do care enough to work through our problems and not just give up like the two ladies who sit home alone with nothing better to do than give "advice" on relationships that they don't even know anything about or have one themselves from which to gain experience.Therefore, since I do have knowledge about this relationship, and do love this woman very much, I will highly recommend to her that she not take the advice given here, but instead bring the problem back home and try to understand why it is I do what I do and how to deal with it if I continue to do so. For the rest of you, I will provide more information which may help to shed light on the situation, my feelings, and the reason for which I do the things I do.Fact: I love my ex girlfriend. Early in the relationship I created a plan to become a happy family with her and her child whom she claimed to care about more than anything else on earth. I put into action the required method to make this plan become a reality and did so with the will power required to make sure it did happen. My plan was thorough and complete and the investment I put forth was 100%. Unfortunately one variable I could not account for was that this girl, who was 10 years younger than I, was not equally mature, and not willing to accept the necessary requirements to accomplish the goal. This unfortunately led to both our break up and her losing her child to his father since she had no means to care for him and became homeless.Since then she has found a new boyfriend (I am not sure she can fully comprehend love so I won't use that term). Together they have had one abortion and one child (which she gave up for adoption), but refers to as having "sold". The point I am trying to make is that I can and do love this girl...my ex...and I care enough about her to want to help guide her through life as she clearly is challenged by the obstacles which life tends to throw at us all. She is not a threat to me, or my love for my present girlfriend who asked this question. I did not clearly understand her "compromise", just as I do not understand it as written in her question, however I do not agree with her on the statement she made about "not (being) insecure". I would therefore like to impress upon her (my present and only girlfriend) that she need not worry about my relationships with anyone else, including ex girlfriends and or my ex wife. I love her very much, and will continue to do so for as long as I live...if she chooses to quit loving me...or as the two ridiculous comment's recommend "just leave" our love behind...I will still continue to love her just as I do now.Thank you for your time,Anonymously, the man the question is written about.Post Script:Maybe some of the people who comment or provide "advice" should try to find love for themselves and if they do, hopefully they will take the time and effort to make it work, because some of the things in life worth doing take a bit more effort than just walking away...but that is just my opinion...you can chose to make your own, please do.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (9 March 2010):
"So I come up with a compromise I asked him if he wanted me to accept her presence then it would be hard but I love him and am willing to as long as he makes it clear that if I am here he doesn't answer her calls, if I not here she must not be asked to come back later when I am here. And he agreed I think."
I'm confused by this sentence, what did you and him agree... is she not to contact and visit while you are there, or is she only to contact him when your away?
I know exactly what your saying and why you have come and asked for help. It's more than just you being jealous, you want this guy to wake up and realise how much his contact with this woman is destroying his future and making him sad.
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reader, sexcinlove +, writes (9 March 2010):
sexcinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You all for the advice but i must make clear she comes to our home with out invite. He only invited her in the house as to not be standing outside.
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reader, sexcinlove +, writes (9 March 2010):
sexcinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You all for the advice but i must make clear she comes to our home with out invite. He only invited her in the house as to not be standing outside.
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reader, adamantine  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 Leave. The only way he is going to stop loving her is cutting contact, and its apparent that he does not want to do that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Id just leave if i were you. He doesnt love you , hes just using you while openly loving another woman. Let them get on with it because hes using you as the doormat x
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 March 2010):
 Just leave.
He is supposedly around the same age as you and instead of acting like a mature man he is acting like a love struck calf, mooning all over his lost love.
His admitting to you that he still loves her is disrespectful of you and your feelings. If you force him into not inviting her into the house again he will become resentful.
You are in a lose/lose situation, just leave, life is too short for this sort of caper.
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