A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help! Everything's going wrong! I've been seeing my boyfriend since September (although we had known each other as acquaintances for six months before that). Things were just starting to feel comfortable and easier than when we first started going out when we were both a bit apprehensive having both been single for ages. And now Christmas seems to have thrown a spanner in the works. We both have quite a lot going on in our lives and have had to be quite organised just to make enough time to spend together, and have only been having sex for the past 4 weeks, and started to get closer. Two weeks ago I said I needed to decide what to do for Christmas. I normally go away as I'm not from the area, whereas he has always lived here. Practically I thought, as it is early days, prob best we both just do what we normally do this year, and had said I didn't really want to just hang around here with nothing to do and see him infrequently. But then a week ago he got quite romantic and said he'd like me to be around over Christmas and he wouldn't have that much work to do (he's self employed) and he would like to spend a lot of time with me, and I wouldn't be hanging around with nothing to do. It was quite romantic, and a bit exciting and scary, because it felt like things were moving onto a more serious level, but I said OK I will stay here and even said half jokingly, maybe he should stay over at my place for the week. Basically I made my decision and therefore didn't make plans to go away (it's too late now except something rushed and disorganised and dropping on people last minute). But then since the week-end he's been saying he can't commit to particular days during the period. Just seen him tonight and it's like he got cold feet. I said it's just Christmas getting in the way and causing pressure, but I got stressed because I'd decided to stay here and now he's getting cold feet thinking it's like commitment - ie serious. I said "it's the same for me - I freaked out a bit too when you said you wanted to spend more time with me - like being a serious couple when we haven't been seeing each other long". But we ended up falling out a couple of times but then made up again and now I'm confused. Everything's so busy and I can't prepare for the Christmas period (10 days of everything being closed as we live in a quiet area) because I don't know what I'm doing. I tried to sit down with a calendar and say ok what are we doing when and he wouldn't arrange anything properly. I don't want to break up with him - everything was so good - and I know he just got a bit scared, but I'm feeling really messed about and angry and a bit stressed too. I told him I hadn't made arrangements because he said he wanted to spend time with me and now he's saying no you do what you want and I might be free the odd day when you are around. And I got really annoyed saying, it's too late for me to re-decide - I decided last week based on what you said to me. I'm just so frustrated that if it hadn't been Christmas so early in our relationship, these things wouldn't have gone wrong. But if I end up having a lousy time left high and dry without proper plans I think I will end up falling out with him. I'm all mixed up at the moment, angry, upset, shocked, and feeling unreal - like everything was fine until a couple of days ago. Neither of us are spring chickens, and we've both being in long term relationships before, which is why it was starting to feel comfortable - a familiar situation - but also why it's strange because we are newly going out sort of. I don't know what to do now. Normally I would just wait and see how things go and we could sort something out, but I feel I don't have time, or I'll end up with no plans for Christmas and then I'll feel resentful towards him. Everything feels like a mess, and I'm swinging between thinking I've put him under pressure because I don't have a normal routine at Christmas and have to book travel and make plans if I go away because don't know that many people here, and that maybe I'm wanting him to help me decide what to do so coming across as too coupley. And also feeling he is just messing me about. I don't want the pressure of Christmas to break us up - and if we are going to break up over this I don't want it to be now! Or I really will have a lousy Christmas. Part of the problem is starting to go out with someone again when you are older. I'm not sure how to do it, and him too I think. We were just going with the flow and that was fine, but then the silly season cropped up. I cant really talk to him again till Wed evening as we were up till 3am and ran out of time and it wasn't a great goodbye. And he has to work tomorrow and the evening and Wed and we'll both be tired. Part of the conversation was normal - like usual plans - I'm supposed to be going to a play he's in on Sunday with him and it's kind of the first time we were going public with people he knows - and now I don't feel like going unless we are good. And can't concentrate on things for the next few days because I'm supposed to be planning Christmas. Feel like I have to make the decision on my own (which I'm not happy about) ie either just go away and say - look it's just 10 days or so - or decide to stay here and accept he's nervous and go with the flow and make a few plans of my own (if not too late!). But also feel like I need him to make some effort too. We were just starting to get close and now it's like he's running away. Told him it hurt me. He seemed very mixed up this evening. He does have an existing life here - family friends etc from before he knew me - more than I have - my family and friends are dotted all over the place. I feel so ridiculous and teenage and scatty at the moment and confused thinking - I'm a mature adult, it should be simple. But he was so serious with me last week and it felt like moving onto another level and like we were really falling in love. What should I do - I feel like crying but feel a bit numb.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): Thanks. I think we were both freaked out. He was the one that got all romantic last Monday and said he definitely wanted to see me at some point on Christmas Day and wanted me to be around, and I freaked a bit after that thinking he was getting quite heavy. Neither of us has much family, but he has a child with an ex girlfriend who doesn't like him seeing someone, so I knew he would have some commitments, hence I got nervous about committing to staying around in case I didn't get to see much of him and was at a loose end - but I did commit to it, then he started backing off. So i guess we both freaked a bit about what to do, but we ending up having the tiff because it doesn't give me much time to sort something else, or make up properly as we are both so busy in the run up, and it upset me too. On top of that that evening was interrupted by text messages from his ex telling him he had to go over at new Year. I've accepted he's not going to have much time and we can do our own thing, and I was happy to have done that in the first place, but am so stressed! I've hardly got enough time to sort myself for Christmas now, let alone see him before-hand, and now his ex bombarding him with messages about childcare arrangements has made him nervous about seeing me at all and it's like he is scared of getting close now - he's scared I might back off because of all the hassle, so he's backing off. Tried to reassure him by text that it's OK to make whatever arrangements he needs to with his ex and I understand, but haven't had chance to see him to 'make up' after our tiff. We sort of made up before he left the other night, but it was so late and he'd 'put the shutters up' on his feelings.I don't really care what I do at Christmas but it'll be hard to enjoy anything after the upset with no time for things to settle down again. It's taken all this time (3 months) for us to get trusting and comfortable, as he was nervous about having any relationship - this is his first since his ex got pregnant 2 years ago (she found out after they had broken up and he agreed to be involved in the parenting and is now very attached to the child). I'm really struggling to do everything this week, get myself organised a bit, give him space and yet still be ok with each other and trying to carry on normally. I'm still not clear if he wants me to be around on Christmas Day or not and no time to ask him without leaving myself in the lurch. Last conversation on that late the other night was he couldn't commit to plans due to unknown expectations from the child's Mother but in principle he wanted to see me. So am really confused. If I just go away he might feel a bit rejected and deserted, but I can't really wait to make plans until I speak to him again and that won't be till Friday as he is rushing around like mad this week and I don't want the conversation to go pear-shaped again. Basically, I have to decide for myself. I think he thinks he can't ask me. So I could stay and then go away just after Christmas, but am no longer sure about how he feels about me and might then feel under pressure to see me Christmas Night because I'm here, when perhaps he's wanting us to be more casual for a bit - it is a bit of an emotive day isn't it? I know we need to talk, but he's stressed and under pressure too. Just want to do the right thing so I don't make things worse. Not quite sure what's hit me. Feel like hiding under the duvet for two weeks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): Even though it's late, I would still try to make my own plans that don't include him. It doesn't sound like you will see much of him, and are going to resent him a lot for this. If you can do your own thing, and have fun, then maybe the resentment won't be so strong. It's still pretty early in your relationship, and many people see the holidays as time spent with family and cherished loved ones. Spending Christmas with someone he's been seeing only a few months is probably freaking him out, creating the illusion that the relationship is more important than he currently thinks it is.
His mistake was in telling you that you'd be able to spend a lot of time together, then changing his mind. You're exactly right thinking the holidays are coming between you. But they'll be over soon, and if you can forgive him for his cold feet and thoughtlessness, then you can take up right where you left off. Try not to hold it against him too much. People become attached, and fall in love, at different rates, and it sounds like you just became a little more attached a little sooner than he did.
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