A
female
age
41-50,
*eatriceandjohn
writes:Well here I go... I have had posts about the same thing several times but my situation keeps changing so here I go...I am with a guy I love, he is the father of my only son... He's funny, witty, intelligent, loving, affectionate... He's not great with house chores but he's working all the time so can't ask him for more, really...This guy though has 6 other kids... Now we don't see them at all but I used to have them around every single weekend as I wanted to strengthen the bond between them... But he never done anything with them. He used to lay upstairs playing on his iPhone while I played with them... I was ok with that until I had my own son and then it just became too much... It took me months but finally, thanks to my counsellor, I managed to tell him I wasn't up for it anymore and that from that day on him and only him would be the one responsible for their care and that he could go and visit them at his ex cause I needed that time just with my son John.... Since then, that's 6 months ago, he hasnt contacted them... I know he misses them though...This guy has a mum who I don't get on with and he has stopped seeing her as well...Don't get me wrong, I'm happy he's focusing on me and my son but I kinda feel bad about him leaving everyone behind...I just want to focus on myself and my son, I have done enough for everyone else and feel now it's my turn to be happy... Could I have your views on the matter,please... Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): Something smells a bit off here OP, he doesn't see his own mother because you don't get on with her and now he's not seeing his kids because you've stopped bothering?
Why is that? Because I must say if that's something you think he's doing for you or you want him to solely focus on you and no one else then that's incredibly unfair.
Sure it's good for you to focus on your family but he has to focus on all his family and not just you and your son.
You did a lot for his other kids and you tried, no one can fault you for dedicating your time to your child instead but he needs to step the hell up and take care of all his kids and see them. The same goes for his mother, which I must say is weird, no girlfriend of mine would ever stop me seeing my mother I don't care how much they hate her. Plus unless she's a complete bad influence I don't think it's fair to deny her seeing her grand children or very fair on your son to miss out on having a loving grandmother.
This situation is quite complex OP but he seems to prefer burying his head in the sand and doing nothing, and then the only time anything happens when you do it.
"He's funny, witty, intelligent, loving, affectionate"
You may aswell take the last three of those out of that sentence because he's hardly loving and affectionate to his kids or mother, he's hardly intelligent for bringing 6 kids into this world and then sitting on his phone all day rather than spend quality time with them. I know fathers who would kill just for an extra hour a week with their kids, whose hearts break when they have to drop them back to their mothers place.
By all means do what you have to, to make yourself and your son happy OP, no one can deny you that, just make sure you haven't inadvertently or intentionally become this guy's sole focus, he has other responsibilities here and he needs to step up. It's not for you to make him step up but if he can so easily dismiss his kids and mother like this then should you ever break up your son may too be just dropped from his life and left without a caring father.
Honestly OP to me that would be a complete deal breaker, once you have kids they're your life and you have to do everything in your power to raise them well, love and be there for them, I have absolutely no time for people who don't. No one is funny or witty enough to paper over that kind of glaring chasm in their personality. now that's obviously not a problem for you and you should only really feel guilty if you think you're directly responsible, in other words you have somehow told him not to see them or forced him to stop seeing his mother, anything else is not your problem but I would damn well let him know that I don't think that's right at all. If can so easily dismiss 6 out of his 7 kids then if this relationship doesn't work out your son can kiss goodbye to having a loving father too because just as much as you can't force him to interact with his other kids you won't be able to do that with yours either. Any time your son is with daddy he'll just end up sitting there for a couple of days watching tv or something.
Good luck OP, this guy may seem to be a nice guy but when push comes to shove he's very lazy and irresponsible in possibly the most important role he has in his life, being a father. That is far bigger a deal than you seem to think it is.
A
female
reader, Beatriceandjohn +, writes (3 September 2012):
Beatriceandjohn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe said after coming back from work it's too late and as I'm not willing to have them in ours because that would mean me doing all the work the relationship has ceased now, he says he is making me and my son a priority
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A
female
reader, Beatriceandjohn +, writes (3 September 2012):
Beatriceandjohn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo not an awful lot he pays cs but I think it all comes to £7 a week? He was married before he got with me so h had three kids to his ex, before that he had 2 unplanned ones to a former ex but he didn't plan to have them and he has a baby he pays cs for he doesn't even know... Yeah that's what I will do, I'm gonna focus on me and my son, thanks x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 September 2012):
The thing is, all these kids. He must be paying a LOT in child maintenance? How does that affect your finances? Are those other kids "ooops" children or were they planned? Has he explained WHY he doesn't interact with his other kids?
You can't MAKE him have relationships with his other kids. You tried and you tried hard, but he didn't even pick up the ball from you, he just let you do all the work.
What would I do? I would try and focus on me and my child. IF he wants to be part of that then I would let him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): I feel your pain I have two children by this guy and he has five other kids by this other girl they get all the attention he shows mine none.I could never understand that for the life of me.Only thing I can tell you is keep doing for your own son and one day when he comes around it may be to late.Children do grow up with or without him.Good Luck:)
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