A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I was going out with a guy for a year, i broke it off with him after a painful 3 month decline, i tried to talk, talking didnt convince me for the better, and eventually i walked away one day and told him in an email exactly why. i felt there was lack of communication, he was keeping me at arms length and didnt feel a priority.He seemed genuinely gutted, but i had to walk away because i wasnt getting what i needed. i deleted his number, deleted him off facebook, and we went cold turkey. I went on a holiday, i went out with friends and threw myself into new projects. But I would still be very sad, i really missed him. 2 months later, i get a text message from him, pretty much saying he cannot go on without me, he tried, he loves me, and if he doesnt do something about it, he will regret it for the rest of his life. I was shaking, but parked it for a bit, and pretty much responded, ok, but what do you suggest kinda thing. So he came back like a man possessed in love, he told me he wants to explain the journey he has been on the past 2 months, and said he wasnt being honest with himself, he was scared to 'let go' and explained about his ex's situation and how he hasnt been able to open up since that break up six years ago. said he is going to be open and honest with me completely all the time, he said he clung so tightly onto keeping his friends exactly as they were, (which made me feel second best) as his safety net, because he never wanted to feel 'that' hurt again should i hurt him like his ex did. but said he is sorry that it took something like this to make him grow up and realise. we had a handful of coffees and I got an 8 page love letter. I was convinced. I was happy for him, to hear his breakthrough but had to think to myself, am i willing to open my heart again after i got so hurt first time.im taking it slowly. and he is already being a different more open man. but as im not used to it from him, im just being very cautious of my feelings I guess. But I made a promise to myself to just speak to him about whatever is on my mind and im not going to keep any doubts and concerns to myself. and we can just see if we can deal with them or not.I still feel like he has a fair bit to go with maturity. although that was a big step he overcame by himself. I get an inkling that he needs ego massages from females, or that he needs more attention from me than he cares to admit, which is fine, but these thoughts make me feel suspicious, and if i get suspicious, i start listening hard for evidence. (as i caught him 'bantering' before with a girl). which i spoke up about this with him just recently. he says hes not, and i responded that i believe you, but i struggle with those thoughts in my head sometimes and i want you to be aware i do, i hope if i talk it though with you, eventually it will disappear. I guess I'm looking for any wise owls advice on if these things ever work out happily ever after, of im in a second disaster waiting to happen? I guess im wondering if im being a pushover, or if people do deserve a second chance? I tell myself so long as i am feeling happy, and not being consumed by negative thoughts, then keep going.Thanks for reading my post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): Everything seems to be going fine for now OP. You have understandable doubts and he seems to be willing to keep going and to prove himself to you, you seem to be willing to let him try so I see nothing wrong here really OP.
I personally am not a second chance person. One year is enough to know whether I'd be right for a person and if it didn't work then I don't see how it can.
The thing is OP I have given second chances before and I've seen plenty give them and what happens is generally the same thing.
You go through a second honeymoon period where everything seems great again, the person has promised they'd changed and for that short while they do because they're trying to win you back, but people always revert to type. Once the second honeymoon is over they go back to who they are because who they really are is the person they became when the honeymoon ended and only a hopeless romantic would believe that someone can just change who they are in the space of a few months.
Look as I said before everything seems to be going okay, maybe this will last longer than the honeymoon period but the only way you're going to find out is when you relax into a routine again only then will you truly see.
I wouldn't have given the second chance but you have so I say keep going and see what happens.
Stay guarded though OP, you didn't give any specific reasons as to why you broke up, but I generally find those things don't go away. Sure a person can hide them better for a while the same as they did at the start of a relationship but they always return. People don't actually change who they are fundamentally, they just change behaviours and only when they have to.
Once he's settled into having you again then everything you think he'd changed will rear it's ugly head again once the winning you back phase is over. Once a guy stops making the effort to impress, that's the real guy and that's the guy who you can expect to be with.
Take your time, stay open and honest with him and see what happens but keep a close eye out for the things that spoiled this the first time. Do not ignore even the first hint of those being still the reality. It's very easy to say you've changed in the short term and talk the talk, it's very easy to be different when you're trying to impress, the proof of the pudding is the long term.
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