A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 38 now and a gay guy. I have not had many relationships. Have tended to shy away from them after a rejection years ago. The last I had was 10 years ago. Last year, I met a guy at uni where I was doing a postgrad course. He was 19.....ok I know I am alot older but guy says it did not matter to him and despite age gap had similar interests in alot of things. We were studying together a lot and seemed to be forming a good friendship. He wanted to board at my house and I said I didn't think it would be a good idea. I eventually told him why..that I was gay. To my surprise, he called me alot and wanted to catch up. He had broken up with his girlfriend. He even took me to his old school and we met all his ex teachers! He had me over at his place with his mum and all there for dinner. Things grew close. Then he started initiating things like getting close and touching my shirt collar and jackets and occasionally playing with my hair. Then, he'd back off from me before initiating similar stuff again. I became quite attracted to him but didn't initiate anything as I was worried he might say he's straight and disappear. Finally, he started making comments about bisexuality. A few days later, I confessed I had feelings and he came round to my place and gave me a hug and said he felt the same. We kissed and was intimate one night...nothing over the top...just kissed mainly. But there was plenty of evidence of attraction. Two days later, he told me he was "repulsed" by me and backed right off. I was so hurt by it all. The word "repulsed" really stuck in my gullet. I avoided him but then he started calling me again saying he wanted to catch up. I met him at a bar one night and ended up at his place yet again. He wanted us to go there and leave my car in City. This time after 45 mins he kicked me out without anything happening dropping me back at my car. He kept calling every so often. When I'd leave him a note he'd never return my call. He'd brush me off when it suited him but then call me I was his long lost best friend another time. One night while drunk he called me at 1.30 in the morning saying he was stranded. I drove 70km to pick him up and when I got there he was not. It was either a prank or I don't know what he was playing at. I finally cut all ties with him but still he tried to contact me. I ignored his attempts. I have not seen him in a while. My question is...Did this guy have feelings for me at all, is he confused and what was with the games he played with me later? I'd really appreciate your advice as I was fond of the guy but upset by how little he valued me in the end. I am trying to move on from this but I am baffled by the whole thing and blame myself. Many thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): i think this guy did fancy you, but as stated this was new ground for him. A good friend of mine started off in straght relationships, he later thought maybe he was bi so went with a man. he said the first few times he felt disgusted and repulsed with himself and would leave the scene very soon after any gay expierence. He said the pull go keep returning for more was huge. He finally accepted he was Bi, turns out he now identifies as gay and is happily gay and has been for about 18years noiw. He said it was difficult to accept who he was. Maybe this young guy is on the same journey. My hope is that he continues his search to find himself and actually returns to you when he's happy with who he is.
good luck mate, as for avoiding relationships because one 10years ago was painful, mate get back out there. We all need somebody to love and be loved by, yours is out there looking for you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): Hi everyone
I have just got a chance to sit down and read the advice you have all sent me. I will write a more detailed response tomorrow but I wanted to thank you all for replying to my post on here. Your advice is most helpful and supportive. I will read more carefully and provide you responses.
Kindest regards
to you all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): I'm so sorry you had such a bad situation, but I can relate. I had a similar situation with a girl that was in a straight relationship with a guy but whenever i was around (I am bi-sexual) she used to literally throw herself at me.
It happened one too many times to the point where I used to take her to one side, nearly every weekend, and tell her I wasn't going to be the one to introduce her into the world of bi-sexuality.
After about 8 months of this, she came over to my place and told me that she had finished with her boyfriend, tried to get me as drunk as possible and told me she found me sexy and took all her clothes off. I initially told her it would ruin everything, but she was so insistant I gave in and ended up fooling around with her. (or rather she fooled around with me). She left early that morning.
2 weeks later I still hadn't heard from her. I figured that she regreted what happened and I got on with my life. (It wasn't like I hadn't told her a thousand times that I wasn't interested. I was flattered but just because I am openly bi-sexual, that doesn't mean I have no feelings). That day I saw her at my local supermarket, hand in hand with her boyfriend. She ran up to me (when her boyfriend was in another aisle) and said that she told her boyfriend what happened and he was upset so she was trying to make it up to him and she couldn't see me anymore.
I just walked the other way.
People like this are basically bi-sexual but are too afraid to admit what they really are.
Please don't beat yourself up over it, you sound like such a sweet guy and this guy was obviously Bi-curious and thought you could be his experiment and he could flirt with the idea of being with another guy, and when it all got a little too much for him and he realised he liked it (and felt guilty for liking it), he took it out on you by acting like a jerk.
He obviously has a few issues he needs to work through. Don't feel bad. You know who you are, this guy used your kind nature and openess to experiment with his sexuality. You were probably left feeling very confused after what happened but just learn from the experience and move on. You did nothing wrong.
Initiating things like touching your shirt collar and playing with your hair is obvious flirting. He knew what he was doing. By doing this and then backing off he was testing the waters, so to speak, trying to get close and seeing how you would react.
Being hesitant about telling this guy your feelings shows that you wern't keen on starting anything without this guys permission, he obviously pushed and pushed.
I don't have to patronise and tell you that you don't chose who to be attracted to, it just happens. Therefore this guy obviously liked you, found you attractive and toyed with the idea of bi-sexuality (or homosexuality) and couldn't handle it.
Please don't blame yourself. Its not your fault that you fell for this guy! It happens. And I really understand it must of hurt like knives when he said what he said, but don't worry about how he valued you, worry about how you value yourself, thats much more important.
This guy was young, temperamental and very confused. Please realise that you were nothing but yourself. You have nothing at all to feel ashamed of.
I know you're probably feeling pretty bad right now but realise that this guy probably feels bad also for the way he acted, which is why he tried to contact you.
You did the best thing by cutting it off with him, you don't need the drama this guy was bringing to your life.
Hope my comments helped.
All the best.
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