A
female
age
51-59,
*iss W
writes:Suffering low self esteem and married to a bully eventually we divorced. I have two girls, one of whom had cancer - and now well! My husband was my first and only partner until I met Nick at a singles party, who told me he was recently seperated. We hit it off instantly and he asked for my phone number. One week later he called and asked to see me and I was over the moon! We dated, both excitedly asking questions about our 'past' lives and I believed he was telling me the truth. After three months, millions of 'i love u', your my soulmate...my sister emailed me that she had found out on the internet search site he was still married, were he really worked, what his real last name was and I confronted him. He confessed that he was still living with his wife but the relationship was dead, always had been and he had lied to me because he thought I would run if I knew the truth. I was devestated but he basically twisted things to make it sound as if I 'must have known' the truth and why cant we still see each other as he was considering leaving her but wanted to get to know me first!! I now think I must sound really stupid, but I was really in love and for the first time felt wanted. I constantly felt guilt and sadness, not for his wife but for what I was accepting from him. Time went on and we talked on the phone everyday, saw each other at least 4 times a week all the while he would probe me about my failed marriage, if id loved him, what sexual positions we had tried, if we used protection...it was nuts. He claimed he did not have sex with his wife, susie, and had told her he was impotent. A big part of me didn't beleive him, but I went along with it. A million times I walked away, in tears, saying I couldn't do it anymore as i was nothing but a mistress and he wasn't changing his marital situation, but he would chase me and convince me to stay. The would say 'i am working out a way for us to be together' and other manipulative catchphrases to keep me hanging on. I would question him over and over about why he was cheating, why he was staying....eventually he said he couldnt leave because he felt he owed children to susie and the clincher 'i couldn't live with a woman who has children to another man!!!" he would say how would we survive financially, who would look after me, he would say, id be embarrased to be seen in public with 'his' children, he would be laughted at by others who would think he was a fool for leaving a childless wife for an 'anglo' single mother!!I was devestated, confused, sad, overwhelmed, you name it. All the while he was also saying, but I love you and couldn't live without you. Now, he is trying to have kids with susie and Im here thinking, when she is pregnant I will say goodbye once and for all. Oh my god!! I sound so stupid and feel so alone, scared, unwanted. He has told me that no man would want to commit to a single mother. I am studying to be a teacher, have a good deposit for a house, Im slim and my friends say attractive. Im so unsure of myself and wonder if that's what men really think. I should add that I have been having counselling over this and it takes up alot of my time as I have made him the centre of my world, right next to my girls. What do I do??
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divorce, I love you, mistress, self esteem, soulmate, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, elsie  +, writes (16 April 2007):
 i totally agree with every bit of advice youve had so far.you are a strong,good decent woman.these sociapaths get inside your brain and rot your senses.we cannot change into them(nasty liars,sociapathic bullies)anymore than they can change into us(decent, caring,loving)they havent invented personality transplants yet and until they do we have to transplant them back under the stones they crawled out from under.you can do it.i bet before you know it youll meet someone more deserving of your love and this fool will be a blot on your memory.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): Men like this belong in jail, but instead you are in jail in a prison that only you have the key to. You have put up these walls to keep real love out, you think you do not deserve it and made yourself vunerable to the first man who gave you some attention and a song and dance.
Never date another married man who tells you he is seperated....tell him to contact you only after the divorce is final.
One red flag you missed is his questions about what sexual positions you performed with your past husband. This guy is on a complete ego trip and is trying to outdo other men....he is hung up about his sexual prowess and is so threatened by other men that he can't be seen with someone else's children....He sounds like a sociopath to me....he is completely self absorbed, everything is about him and he does not really care about the feelings of others including his current wife. He says he owes her children, that is a load of crap, what he wants to do is procreate his own children with a woman that has only his children...because he sees them as extensions of himself, not as children of god, or children born out of a union of love....just little mini me's!
I am so sorry that you are so vulnerable and lost, men like him can smell this in a woman and they make a bee line to mentally take advantage of you so they can have their way, keep you under control and take you out and look at you when they feel like some entertainment. He is using you, get rid of him. Don't waste one more tear or one more thought that you aren't good enough for this egotistical jerk.
Unlock the prison, you can decide to protect yourself, make better choices and let people in who earn your trust, not the other way around. You have a lot going for you, remember that, any decent guy would kiss the ground you walk on and thank his lucky stars that he found such a self sufficient, smart and kind woman, and her kids would be part of that package and he would love them as his own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): You know what you have to do. Get him out of your life and stop believing his crap. Why is your self esteem so low? why are you getting ill over this nobody? You are studying to be a teacher and you have a deposit to buy your own home. Please continue to do that, please believe in yourself especially for your children's sake. Put your children first not this loser.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (14 April 2007):
 RUN!!!! Run away as fast as you can! This is a highly manipulative and abusive man. There are lots of wonderful men out there who become step fathers to other mens children. They are not laughed at or critisized by others for having done so. He does not 'owe' Suzie children and that will only ensure that they are tied together forever, both financially and emotionally. He is manipulating and controlling you and if you stay with him, I have a horrible feeling that it will lead to isolation and abuse. He is already mentally and emotionally abusing you. If his marriage were truely over he should leave Suzie because it is the right thing to do for himself, not find another woman and test the waters to see if she is worth leaveing his wife for! Be thankful you found out now and still can get away easily. Please, for the sake of those beautiful little girls, get the hell away from that man! Never have anything to do with him ever again!!!
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