A
female
age
41-50,
*ostinlife
writes:I need some advice, I've been in a relationship for the last 11 years I've dedicated myself to my boyfriend always there for him putting up with so much abuse and financial distress. Within the last year he has really changed for the better, but now the problem is he gets furious at the fact that I help my very dysfunctional family and demands that I pick him over my family or it's over between us. Am I doing the wrong thing by bonding my family or should I be telling him bye it's over? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (19 April 2007):
 Great to hear it!
A
female
reader, lostinlife +, writes (19 April 2007):
lostinlife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much your advice it was excellent and helped me discuss the situation with my boyfriend we came to a agreement that there will be boundaries but if the need should arise I will absolutely be there for my family and he understood and accepted it and will try to be more pacient with my family.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (15 April 2007):
 If you are going to dump all of your energy into ONE family which one would you choose? The one that will drain you of every last bit of resource till your last breath or the one that will carry you when you are in a time of need?
Unlike the previous two posters I believe you do have to make a choice, especially when you decide to marry. At that point you will be starting a family of your own, and if I were your fiance I would not marry you if you chose me over a bunch of soul-sucking relatives.
If you aren't married then you can defer the choice, but if live in the same town as your "dysfunctional family" then I recommend you and your boyfriend move away from them. You need some breathing room and a chance to set up the boundaries that will become the foundation for your own functional family in the future. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (15 April 2007):
 Families are important, you know that and he should know that too. To make you choose between him and your family is a low thing to do.
As long as your time with him is'nt affected and you are not negleting him I dont see what his problem is.
If your family is in that much strife than he should be more understanding if he loves you. He must be able to take the rough with the smooth.
Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go but your family is there forever, dont forget that. You obviously value your family, how is he with his family? Would he not want to do the same if the shoe was on the other foot?
If he loves you, he will see that this is'nt something which should hinder your relationship. You need to make sure that the time you spend with your family does not stop your relationship with him growing; if it does than you need to think about your priorities.
All the best with the family..x
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (15 April 2007):
I am in the very same situation with my family. My parents are in financial distress since they emigrated and lost all their money when there solicitor sold their house and ran off with the money. It left them with the clothes on their back.
I have been helping them for the past 9 years and things have been very tight.
My boyfriend like you, was understanding to a point, but after that says they should be able to stand on their own two feet. I agree with this to a point too.
They are my parents and come hell or high water, will NOT see them stranded or worse off than they are now!
If he made me choose between him and my parents, there is no choice! I love him to bits, but if he is pressurising me into a "choice", he isnt worth it. He would be history!
My parents have and will always be my parents. They have stuck with me through good and bad times!
I know its difficult, but if he cant understand how important to this is, and he isnt prepared to back you 100%, then I am sorry, but its not meant to be!
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