A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months. We have a great, honest, loving relationship. He's been in a few more serious relationships than I have. I know he's still not completely moved on from 2 of them. He doesn't talk to them, or see them often. He saw one of his ex's today with her new boyfriend. It has now upset him for the day. He says he isn't in the mood to talk, and he gets all down about it. I know it's hard to see someone completely move on and get over you, and I try to be understanding and he gets over it in a day. But I'm just hoping this doesn't mean that he's not fully committed to me and our relationship if just the sight of an ex gets him all blue.Advice anyone?-Sarah
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female
reader, Beckto +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Don't worry. His feelings don't have anything to do with you. This is just something that he's going to have to figure out on his own. It make take him a day or two, but he'll get a handle on it.
Even for us old folks, running into your ex, especially if they have a new partner, can be upsetting. This can be the case even if you have moved on to a great new partner! There's an old (though, it's not old to me!) movie called "When Harry Met Sally" that shows that experience perfectly... Just let him do what he needs to do, and he'll bounce back soon enough, I bet.
Take care! And don't worry.
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (19 July 2007):
 I know exactly how you feel, Sarah, as my boyfriend hasnt gotten over his past loves either and it is destroying our relationship. He has had 3 major 'loves' in his life. The first was 23 years ago and he is still in touch with her and sends her and her daughters (from her marriage, not from my boyfriend) money (lots of it) and gifts and goes to visit them every few years and says he will always love her. The second was from 17 years ago. She was his 'one true love' even though they only spent one week together and spent the next 3 or 4 years lamenting how they desperately wanted to be together but couldnt until she got married. He still talks to her, too, and says he loves her. I know if she showed up on his doorstep tomorrow saying she had left her husband and wanted to marry my BF he would drop me like a hot potato. The third was from just a few years ago. They broke up over 3 years ago after a 1 1/2 year relationship and even though she cheated on him and left him for another guy he still idolizes her and says how wonderful she was. Last September she was coming to town (with her new BF) and he talked to her for months about seeing her when she did. She decided not to see him at the last minute and he almost drove an hour to where she was staying to just drop off a sea shell that he had picked up 6 months prior to that that he thought she would like. I stopped him and told him that that was pathetic. I will point out that all three of these women were long distance relationships (we are in Ohio. The first girl is in British Columbia Canada, the second Florida, and the third France) so he never really got to spend any significant time with them in the real world. He only saw them for a week at a time on vacations, so doesnt know the 'real' them and can idolize the fantasies that they are.
I am sorry I dont have great news to report and make you feel better. Just that I can understand how hurtful it all is. But you should know, as I do, that has nothing to do with how wonderful or not you are. It his own inadequacies that cause him to hang on to the past to the detriment of his current relationship. He needs to let go of the past give his all to this current relationship is he really wants it to work. Same as my boyfriend. My boyfriend is not willing to do that, hopefully your cares more about you than mine does about me.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (19 July 2007):
There lots of men and women who have been in affairs and they got emotionally stuck. And they just can't seem to get out of that emotional rut. Love can also become a mental addiction in the lives of people who have had shattered relationships. And that is no doubt the state of your bf's mind at this time. As for his committment to you,a man as well as a woman can love others, But should you consider marriage,will there be any more of a committment then than now? I would see his Relational hang-ups as being detrimental within your ongoing Relationship. Guess, If he closes you out, he wouldn' be up to help from other's either. As they say, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". Lots Of luck, you'll need it.
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