A
female
age
41-50,
*613
writes:Hi everyone I'm a female seeking advise on whether it's ok my husband and my best friend have been texting anywhere from 5 to 30x a day while I only get 3 texts a day from both of them over the past couple months.during which time I found out my back was broke from my injury I received during my time in the military and I would need major back surgary. I couldn't do much of anything for a month leading up to the surgery and my husband and friend were taking care of the day to day stuff with our kids because they played some of the same sports. My husband would take her kids to the town recreation where he worked and my friend sometimes take my youngest to basketball if my husband had a coaches meeting. I have a 16 and 9 yr old boy and there both very much involved in sports and my husband coaches most of the team's our youngest plays in. He can do this because I'm a 100% service connected vet and receive my full retirement pay and disability. I was totally grateful for my friends help but I found out that they have been spending a lot of time joking around with each other and now recently have been talking about our marriage issues that I didn't even know we were having because I was in bed most the time.I feel they both crossed the line when it became, I feel flirtatious and discussed our private life. It's not like they were childhood friends either, my husband only became friends with my friend 3yrs ago when we moved next door. I just recently had major back surgary, the last of my 5 surgeries I needed due to my injury from my time in the military and spent 7 days in the hospital. My husband only visited for a total of 5hrs the entire time I was there and hardly text me at all but had time to text my friend. On my last night There I called my husband and confronted him about how his lack of caring made me feel he went two days without even visiting me so I asked him if there was something wrong and he said yes. He didn't want to tell me until after I got home but he told me he has been questioning our marriage for some time now and that's why he hasn't been there holding my hand or calling me,during the most painful surgery and recover I've had too date. I cried that last night in the hospital too sleep in total shock unable to do anything about the situation I was in. I couldn't believe he could tell me this over the phone and I had no idea he felt the way he did. I know it's not easy being with someone with the issues I have but I have come so far and was doing better each day so I ask myself why now it's been 7yrs since my injury. My husband now stoped communicating with my friend and we are doing better but now my friend isn't talking to me at all. It makes me believe I was right to think there was something going on and that she at least had inappropriate feelings. Not sure what to do from hear because my husband hasn't really taken responsibility for his actions but did stop talking to her and I don't know what to do about my so called best friend.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Your husband has a lot to answer for, and I agree with Honeypie in that you need to focus 100% on dealing with your husband and not your "friend". It's actually a form of denial to fixate on the friend and not deal with the one who did you the most wrong, and that is your husband.
Your husband was lonely and hurt, but he chose the wrong source of emotional comfort, and that was your friend. Unfortunately, it crossed boundaries it never should have. I don't know that they cheated, but the big boundary was discussing marriage problems with her. That should be reserved for counselors, support groups, clergy, and of course, you.
You've been going through your pain for 7 years, going through surgery after surgery. Everything in your husband's and children's lives has to do with your health, and he may have felt trapped and despondent that there was no end in sight. You've been focused on your health and your pain, and I can understand that! However, he's been dealing with it too. Two days away during surgery isn't a crime...he may have needed to recharge his batteries because he sees a mountain of caregiving ahead. He and your friend bonded over giving care to you and picking up the slack for you, as I'm sure you're feeling inadequate over not being able to be 100% there for him as a wife, sexual partner, mother, caregiver, etc.
To accuse your husband of "not caring" because of two days when he WAS there for you and the time spent helping you for the past 7 years and several other surgeries most likely made him feel unappreciated and that you didn't care for what HE was also going through. I have gone through surgeries as well, having end-stage renal disease, dialysis, kidney transplant, and a lifetime of dealing with the effects of chronic illness, I shower my husband with thanks for stepping up and being there when I was unable to be or in pain. I actually encouraged him to go out and blow off steam when it got intense, because you with your health issues...it's a marathon, not a sprint. He needs time to recharge, and your friend who was also there most likely seemed the only one who understood what he was going through.
Your husband talking about your marriage should be a wake-up call for you and for him, because it's a cry for help on his part. He may not have cheated with her, and I actually don't think he did, but if your only response to this is to make him "take responsibility" for not being there for you for two days and to only stop talking to her, then your marriage is in serious trouble.
You and your husband need help. Speaking together to a counselor would do wonders for you as well as getting your husband and you help in a support group like the one Honeypie suggested. Your husband feels alone. You feel alone. You dealt with it incorrectly by accusing your husband of not caring. He dealt with it incorrectly by having an inappropriate conversation with your best friend.
This isn't about his texting with her 30 times. This isn't about her loyalty. This is about healing the pain and loneliness in BOTH of your hearts, and dealing with it together. Your husband is cracking under the pressure, and you could either break his back by focusing on how awful he is, or you can be his salvation, treat this issue as adversity that both of you can tackle together and get help. The latter could strengthen your marriage exponentially.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Leave the friend be. FOCUS on your marriage IF you and your husband want to work on it. She is a FAR lesser priority.
Use your resources such as MilitaryOneSource and get some couples/marriage counseling.
My guess is he felt more alone then you perceived, as you were focused on your healing and your kids. That doesn't EXCUSE the flirtation and whatnot was going on between him and the friend, but it might explain it.
My husband is a retiree as well. With a 70% disability and some undiagnosed PTSD ( he refuses to accept he has it and seek help, I'm sure you are familiar with specially male soldiers having that problem). Anyhow, I have never cheated on him, but there have been time where I felt all alone in the marriage, even when he wasn't deployed. Because he was so focussed on himself and what HE needed. Not me and the kids. WE did work it out, but it took WORK, EFFORT and wanting the same thing.
Don't be so focussed on the "friend" she "owes" you no allegiance, gave you no vows. YOUR husband did, your problem is with HIM and maybe a little with yourself?
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