A
female
age
41-50,
*hloe9
writes:Sorry this is long but I had a hard time cutting the fat from this thread. Here's the whole story. After I wrote and proofread this I realized I don't feel better at all. I'm sure you will have no difficulty understanding how that is.On Thursday I asked my bf to delete profiles from websites he had been on prior to our relationship. It should have been done months ago when he offered/promised to and the issue first came up. I let it go because I trusted him at his word. Even though he hasn't been on them, I still don't think its right for him to have a profile when he's in a committed relationship.The profiles were sexual in nature seeking discrete encounters and although he insists he never met anybody on there I have no doubt he used webcam and other methods of contact...Besides, what guy would admit he hooked up with random chicks after I was totally winded by finding this out? (For the record he went on his e-mail using my PDA and forgot to log off. I got an alert and opened the message from xxxblackbook.com where I discovered one of many profiles. I wasn't snooping or invading his privacy). He hasn't been on them since we've been dating so I forgot about them until he left his e-mail open and alerts from these websites were in my face. Nothing in the nature of communicating with girls just news alerts and upon checking I confirmed what I already knew. He hasn't been on them while we've been dating. Nonetheless he deleted them after I confronted him but it should've been done months ago.He has a history of one night stands, threesomes, and has admitted to never being tested for STDs. I have asked him to get tested but he's never taken action.Then this Friday something else came up that really lit my fire so he's feeling defensive and under attack but its not stuff that can be swept under a rug and forgotten about. Its not as though there is nothing substantial for me to be alarmed. He has given me reason to raise questions.In May I offered to watch our friends' kids for an hour (they left at 9:30) so they and my bf could attend a bday party at a club. 1am later they did not return and we had a row because I was told they were going to be an hour and then we were all going to hang out together. My bf's wife came home at 1am asking where the boys were! They were supposed to be at the birthday party with her! Well I was pretty upset because the two boys went to play pool at a local pub so Todd (my bf's friend) could get away from *Lynn (The friends' wife). They figured I am always so easy going that I'd get upset but get over it quickly. I was mad as a hornet! The only reason I was upset that evening is because they changed venues and broke their promise of being back after making a cameo because his friend wanted to ditch his wife and they never told me. I felt taken advantage of as a free babysitter when we had plans together. I didn't ask what club they were at or who was all there. I never really have asked those questions because I trusted my bf and I never felt a need to ask too many questions when he goes out. The next day there were photos posted on a social networking site of my bf sitting at a table with an attractive woman at the birthday party while our other friends were nowhere near. He told me she had a bf and they went to school together and they were just catching up. I trusted his word and let it go.Not long after he was on his Facebook profile and we were playing games. Then we were having fun rating his friends until the girl came up and he selected that she was attractive. He saw I wasn't too happy and just shut it down.A month later we were at a friends' house when she was walking by with a guy. She came up to say hello and greeted everybody but me. She not only totally ignored my presence but gave me a dirty look. I didn't like the way she smiled at him or looked at him and told my bf what I observed and what I thought about it. He didn't notice and said it was strange because he hardly knows her.Fast forward to last night and he was adding a girl to his MSN messenger.He said that it wasn't a good idea to add her and I asked him why. He said that I'd probably get upset but added her anyways. He said she added him and he only accepted but I watched him send the invitation. I am computer literate and wasn't born yesterday. He also told me she added him on facebook and he didn't know how she got his e-mail. He also told me the girl he was adding was somebody he hardly knows but they went to school together and I have nothing to worry about. I communicated that I was uncomfortable with him making friends with other women outside of our relationship like that and that many cheaters end up engaging in infidelity by initiating and accepting such communication. We ended the conversation but I had an uneasy feeling. He was dishonest about which of them added the other, which I believe was nothing more than an attempt to avoid conflict. If he wasn't doing anything wrong then he would have no reason to be ambiguous.I logged onto the computer the next day after he promised to delete her and his MSN automatically signs on. There she is on his MSN messenger after he offered/promised to delete her. I didn't want to snoop through his stuff so I logged his MSN off and went to the social networking site we are on (I logged onto my own profile) to find that she is NOT a friend of his on there anymore. She is not a friend of any of his friends either. I looked through the history of adds and recognized a pattern. All the people that he sent adds were not on the history but all the people that sent him adds were (even if they weren't still friends the feeds were still there). She was not on the history which suggests to me that he added her and not the other way as he would like me to believe. He now insists that he just doesn't remember if it was her or him that sent the friend request. WEAK! He also informed me that despite the fact they attended the same high school, they never actually knew/met each other until the party in May. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach and looked at the pics I had seen from the party we got into a fight over in May and guess who that girl was???? Yup! You guessed it. Its all the same girl!I don't believe that he's cheating or looking to cheat. She is married but that doesn't mean anything to some people.I believe that he's acted without thinking and getting upset for getting called out. He thinks I'm paranoid for no reason and that he has done nothing wrong. I think he is lying about who added who to avoid an argument. He admitted the first night that if it were the other way around he'd be upset but thinks I should trust him and let it go. He said that my getting upset and reacting when he's innocent is paranoid. However, I am bothered by the fact that he hasn't pursued contact with other men or women its just this one same girl.I have had complete trust in him but this situation has me concerned. I am so livid I can't even think straight. I messaged him yesterday telling him not to come home after work because I was so upset. I didn't know what to think or believe. I don't believe he's looking to cheat but his dishonesty and breach of trust is very upsetting. He came home and we talked about it and I thought that we had this all sorted out.Today I turn on the computer and of course his MSN pops up. SHE WAS STILL ON HIS FRIENDS LIST! I thought we talked about it and he was serious about deleting her. He was so serious when we talked about being contrite.This all tells me that he's not into this commitment as seriously as I am. It also makes me believe that even if he believes the girl was married and it was innocent, there is something wrong when he's pursuing contact with a girl he hardly knows.Am I overreacting? Its not like I don't think he should have female friends I just don't think he should be trying to make them when we're living together and have committed to each other. I don't think he should be doing it if he feels that he has to lie about it.He deleted her and blocked her but that was after the third time it has been brought up. My heart just isn't accepting his apologies because he's been apologizing for three days, telling me what he thinks I want to hear, and he should have deleted her three days ago!=He physically hasn't cheated but I feel betrayed and don't know what to think or feel. As of tonight I am feeling paranoid because I just don't know if this relationship can go on. I don't even want to look at him. I have trusted in him completely and I don't know if there is a way to salvage our relationship. He was only communicating online and his profiles precluded our relationship. If there is a way to salvage this I'd like to at least try. How do I talk to him? What are reasonable resolutions?
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facebook, infidelity, msn, one night stand, std, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): I understand how you feel.
I think you should just end this and move on. It may seem like a trivial thing to him, but if he can't respect you and your wishes then there really is no point.
Also, if this continues to happen, you'd probably get obsessed with trying to find out what he's up to and sometimes jump into the wrong conclusions.(I'm not trying to be rude here, I'm just stating a possibility!) That'd just be a lot more troublesome. Ultimately, you'd be the one at loss here.
So I suggest you end this. That's just my opinion anyway.
Take care xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): I have been in this same position and i can tell you that at first it seems impossible but you have to think about yourself and your own emotional health and this guy obviously doesnt care about you or your feelings and needs....I say it's time to move on....show him that he doesnt have the right to treat you like that
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A
female
reader, Shanpe  +, writes (1 September 2009):
Hi - well I read right through to the end - and it is obvious you are upset and worried about the situation. First of all I do think it is important that he gets checked out for STDs - for his own health's sake if not yours. Please also take care of your own health. He sounds quite immature to me, and not (sadly) as committed to your relationship as you are. There are many definitions of infidelity and cheating, and in my book, if your partner, loved one, hides things from you regarding another person, then there is probably 'something' going on, whether that is a fully physical affair or an emotional connection. I think you need to try and take an objective view of your relationship - and I know that can be difficult. If this was happening to a close friend of yours, what would you suggest she do? Keep calm and keep talking to your man - I do hope it works out for you but you must, please, put your health first and also start thinking of yourself first rather than your man. Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): Tell him to stop messing around with other girs and tell him that if he carrys on comunicating with that girl that you and him are over. you trust him and he repays you with not deleting her of msn. Its not good enough you need to have some words with him be firm and tell him your not having it. Agree or disagree with me either way am just trying to help.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 September 2009):
 Hi,
That is such a long list of grievances, I'm afraid I could only make it half way through, but I think that's all anybody needs to do.
I will say one thing, you have no trust in him and he seems very evasive and secretive.
So at the end of the day, you dont trust him anymore, and it looks like he is very skilled at playing little games.
No relationship can survive without trust, there is zero in your relationship
I think you need to end this and move on.
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