A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am having some troubles with my fiancé.I am 22 years old and we have been together for four years now, we also live together and have a mortgage on our own house. Over the pst few months he keeps saying things like "I need some space" and "I want to have fun", which I have never stopped hm from doing. I keep telling him to do whatever he wants, go out and have fun, I've never stopped him!But the other week out of the blue he told me that he "doesn't love me anymore" which I was obviously so upset and confused by. So he left the house for a day and when he came back he told me that he didn't mean it and that he had just been a little unhappy but we could work things out and he wanted to be with me. So we have been better than ever for the past two weeks and we have been honest and open about all of our feelings which had been amazing. He admitted on many occasions that he has been "happier than ever" with me and we have discussed our future plans etc.However, last night he once again admitted that he was "no longer in love with me" which I am so confused about as over the past few weeks he has been telling me how happy he is?I am so confused and I don't know what to do. I want to be with him more than anything and I feel that he wants to be with me too but he's juts confused or something. Surely if he wanted to leave he would have done the first time? I don't know what to do in order to get him to listen and understand. whenever I try and approach it he says he "doesn't care" and that he doesn't care about me anymore and wants to be away from me. I am so confused and I would advise anyone else to give up on him, however he has been such an amazing boyfriend and I know that no matter what he is saying he definitely loves me and always has done. Everyone around us has said the same, he has always acted like he was smitten. But he has even admitted that he has never been in love with me and that he was lying the entire tine. Im so confused, I feel that maybe he could be suffering from some king of mental illness or confusion which I want to help him with but he keeps insisting that we are over and theres nothing i can do.I have always been a lovely girlfriend and he has even admitted that I'm "perfect" but he just doesn't love me. Im so confused. please help! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2017):
 You need to listen to what he is saying to you sweetie. He is confused. You have both been together a long time, you are engaged and living a happy life in your own house. It seems he has gotten scared a long the way. Scared off making such a huge commitment so early on in life. He is afraid he has not been single long enough to enjoy life. I understand you are not stopping him. But in his head he wants to be single and do as he pleases and not worry about a person at home waiting for him. Now this is going to be hard for you to accept but you need to listen to what he is telling you. He does not feel in love with you any more. Off course he still cares and probably still loves you as a person. But for him the spark has gone. He needs time to be alone and see what it is like being single. He may see that the grass is not greener but you do need to let him go. If he needs that space then as hard as it is you need to let him go.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 January 2017):
 This isn't about you per se. (I know that might not make sense but bear with me)
You two have been together for 4 years - from your later teens to now early 20's. For some, this is a time if a LOT of maturing and growing, for other's THIS is the time where we make mistakes, do stupid stuff, spread out wings, travel, party, study etc. BUT you two settled down in domesticity like a "married couple".
Having a mortgage? AT 22? With a guy, you are not married to? Who is on the LEGAL mortgage/loan documents here? Who's name? Basically, WHO is the owner of the house?
What kind of arrangement did you two make when going IN on this mortgage in case of a split up? Or did you not make such a plan? If not, that was naive. I understand hoping for the best and that things will continue as always, it's sweet but not super realistic at 22.
SO what you need to is figure out HOW to end this in a way that works for both of you.
Being "perfect" doesn't guarantee squat (and FYI... no one IS perfect).
Sit down, split your assets, if the house is in BOTH your names I suggest EITHER of you buy the other one out (if possible, perhaps with a monthly amount - BUT Get that or ANY arrangement NOTARIZED so it's legal and neither of you can come back and say no it's mine!
If neither of you can afford to buy the other one out (basically if NEITHER of you can afford the mortgage on your own, selling might be a better option.
Now you may have noticed I'm not talking about how you can fix this with him. Because YOU can't. He has made up his mind. Those two weeks of being super sweet and attentive were because he felt relieved that he finally TOLD you he wanted out. And he didn't want to just toss in the towel. Hence two weeks.
There is NOTHING wrong with him. No mental illness - he has just decided (probably wanted to end it for a while but didn't know how). My guess is he feels he is missing out on the things people in their early 20's do.
THUS, you two need to sit down and work the financial side of the break up out.
You might even contact Citizen's advice and see what kind of legal advice you can get when splitting assets like this.
And I'd advice for you to NOT get a mortgage with a guy you aren't married to in the future (for legal reasons). IF you can afford a mortgage on you own, good, but don't share it.
So accept that it's OVER and BE practical now. GET your legal and financial DUCKS in a row.
Sorry, OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): He has made it very clear to you that, at best, he has extremely mixed feelings for you and, when he is in his most cruel mood, that he no longer loves you at all. Wake up and smell the roses! He says you are perfect, but he doesn't want to be with you. Which is like "it's not you, it's me" in breakup speak. an EXCUSE. He wants to be rid of you. Sorry but that is how it is. He has been thinking about it since the "I need space" comments, and you should have seen this coming. So in future try to be a little less forgiving and naive, and a little more wary with your head on your shoulders. Go out and find a good man who deserves you! Do NOT stay with a man like this you will never be happy as he will never be happy!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 January 2017):
 Break off the engagement, for starters. If this is going to work, you need to back up off the marriage train and get couples' counselling.
I think he's struggling to be upfront about not wanting to stay together, as you've invested in a joint mortgage and he probably doesn't want to upset you. I don't think he's confused, though; it seems like he knows he doesn't feel the same, but isn't sure how to actually end it.
Sit down and talk it out, but don't take his "I didn't mean it" any more - he means it and a break up is inevitable, especially without counselling. Personally, I think you need to call it quits, give the ring back and get legal help to sort out the mortgage. I'm sorry, but loving him isn't enough to stay when he doesn't feel the same.
...............................
|
