A
female
age
30-35,
*nnocent.sin
writes:I'm going on a date with a guy I really like. He is almost ten years older then me but that doesnt bother me at all, however he has indicated that he is interested in me sexually as well. I feel the same spark as he does and would do it in a heart beat but Ive been told that guys dont stick around or take you seriously if you sleep with them too soon, so how soon is too soon and How do I indicate that Im interested without giving the wrong idea.
View related questions:
spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): Yeah Quirk Lady made it make sense for you......and Blondy you don't have to be snippy, I don't know you, I simply asked a question and tried to give my opinion just as you are......I don't care if you get married or not, you are not my kid....but possibly the reason it worked out for the two of you is your young ages, you adapted to each other more easily than someone of a more mature age and stature......people change quite a bit by the time they are 25 and 30, not the same people they were when they were only 19, so I think it makes sense for you to wait considering your young ages. I hope that you can continue to grow together as you age instead of apart, it is a good skill to have....but having sex too soon does matter to a lot of men, it is a double standard but to pretend it doesn't exist is not reality....
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (24 May 2009):
 There are guys out there who will not judge you if you sleep with them on the 1st date. There are guys that will judge you and drop you like a hot rock if you do. The kicker is, the judging guys will NOT tell you what they think before you have sex. With those guys there is absolutely such a thing as too soon.
I think if you want more than a casual relationship you should play it safe and wait until the 3rd or 4th date. If he's interested in you as a person, he will respect your decision. If he doesn't, well, there's other fish in the sea.
...............................
A
female
reader, Blondy +, writes (24 May 2009):
 My boyfriend has proposed to me and has bought me 2 rings on our one and 2 year anniversarys, so yes we do want to marry eachother. We aren't married yet because we are both only 19, he doesn't want to get married until he is 21 and he wants to have dated the girl he marries for at least 3 years. We have been living together for 1 year and I think we are on the right track to marriage, getting to know eachother deeply and all that wonderful stuff. Some people want to wait longer than 2 years to get married, we both do. We will have been dating for 4 years when we get married and I think that is a long enough amount of time to date someone and really get to know them good enough to know if you want to spend your entire life with them.
I am looking for happily ever after and I am looking for love and that is what I have found in my boyfriend. I'm not stupid, I know SOME people are looking for nothing but sex out of a relationship, neither of us are looking for just sex. We weren't friends first and we weren't coworkers first and we built our foundation as we were having sex. It worked for us, maybe it will for this person too. We have talked about marriage, we both want it, we both want kids, we are compatible with eachother. Bottom line is we are 19 and don't want to be married yet. Is that ok with you?
To the original poster: The point I am trying to make is that you can build your foundation with this guy (if that is what you want) regardless of whether or not you have had sex. I don't understand why people say you can't build a foundation with a person if you have sex with eachother 'too soon'. I don't see any relation between the two, but this is all my opinion and maybe I am a special case because I was able to build my relationship all the while having sex with him. Maybe you guys can too. I hope I have helped you here.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): Blondy, has your boyfriend of two plus years asked you to marry him? Do you want to get married to him? You only mention the length of your relationship.
I just broke up with my boyfriend of two plus years and he did speak of marriage....I didn't have sex with him right off the bat either, we were friends and coworkers first and we built a foundation first. The reason we broke up is financial and he is not as responsible or mature enough for me, so perhaps I outgrew him and he did not want to change or could not change for me.
Usually it doesn't take a guy more than two years to decide if you are the One he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He has got the sex and a comfortable girlfriend so what is going to motivate him to move things to a decision to marry? Not saying it won't happen, but he is still just dating you isn't he?
Of course there is no hard or fast rules about when to have sex, but if he is just looking for sex then he won't stick around if you ask him to wait now will he.
What you want to do is try to be sure that he is the right guy for you otherwise you just sort of fall into a pattern of sex before you know you are compatible, have similar values and life goals....if all you are looking for is fun then I guess none of it matters, but most of us are looking for love and happily ever after if we are honest with ourselves.
...............................
A
female
reader, Blondy +, writes (24 May 2009):
I had sex with my boyfriend on the first date and we have been together for over 2 years now. So no it doesn't mean he is going to leave the second he has sex with you. He was oh so hot and I wanted to do him, so I did. In my mind, we were just speeding up the inevitable. You can get to know eachother if you've had sex just as well as if you haven't had sex. This guy could just be looking for sex with a girl 10 years younger than him, or he could really like you and want to build a relationship. You are the one who knows him, so you are the best judge of his intentions. You are both sexually attracted to eachother, so go ahead and have sex. I don't see why people say you can't still date and get to know eachother, you'll just end the date with sex. Refraining from sex doesn't make him respect you more, it doesn't change who you are as a person, you're still you and if he really likes you why would he not want to continue because you had sex? Everyone is different and some people can have a good and long lasting relationship who had sex 'too soon'
Theres no such thing as 'too soon' all people are different and you need to try and find out what he really wants. If he is only looking for sex and you make him wait...would that change his mind about you? I don't think it would. If he wanted an actual relationship and you had sex right away...would that change his mind? I don't think that would either.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): He wouldn't be asking you out if he didn't find you appealing and you wouldn't go out with him if you weren't interested so that part is covered. If he's making it known that he's sexually interested in you verbally, it sounds like what he's after is more casual than long term. If that's not what you want, then let him get to know you slowly and if he doesn't stick around, that confirms it. You can have sex with him but same result except he'll cut out earlier if that was his original intent.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): If he is already telling you that he is interested in you sexually he is telling you he is looking for a casual fling and it sounds like you want that too, but want him to stick around. He will stick around as long as he gets what he wants from you and then when he loses interest or meets another fling he will be gone.
If what you want is a relationship, then you should wait at least 90 days or longer to build an actual friendship/relationship first. Relationships with men that start out with sex have a weak foundation and sex does not bond a man to a woman, but for women the opposite is true. We are biologically hard wired to bond closely with the man we are having sex with, and if he doesn't return your feelings then you will be hurt.
If you go into it wanting casual sex, then be prepared for him to treat you casually. You have to set boundaries early in a relationship with a man or they will be nigh impossible to set later on....Meaning you teach people how to treat you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): It really depends on the people involved. Haha, this is going to sound horrible, but both times I slept with a guy "on the first date," it turned into a serious relationship.
Before any of the more self-righteous posters on this site scream "OMG! Slut!!", let me add that at age 22 I have only slept with those two people, and that I dated one for nearly two years (longer than it takes some people to get married) and am still in a committed relationship with the second. Yes, there are many stereotypes that go with "putting out" too soon in a relationship, but they don't necessarily apply to everyone. Only you can truly judge your own situation, so do what feels right to you. Good luck. xxx
...............................
|
