A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy who has been suffering from depression, last night after being out he texted me asking me to stay the night whilst there he said to me he liked me but wanted to protect me from being hurt and admitted he was trying to put me off him he told me he would let me down would be unreliable drinks alot and gambles and some days just does not want to talk he said not trying to blow me out as really likes me but does not want to let me down either (like none of the above did not break my heart)..he even told me he was still in love with his ex girlfriend (wonder if another ploy to put me off) and did not want a relationship as he could not look after his self.I was very understanding told him i would look after him take him to the doctors even pay for consellers said i did not expect a relationship but just asked if we could see how it goes and let me into his life..he did agree to try this after alot of talking..he even asked questioned about guys on my phone and when i asked if he was seeing anyone else which he said he was not (did find some messages from girls more friendly stuff but i do wonder about some if getting to know texts as one seem to be at his house recently) then he did ask me the same and we agreed we did not want each other seeing others..this makes me think he does care about these things..i have recently finished a relationship and he also told me he thought i had gone back yesterday due to how i worded a text and i had wondered why not heard from him, he also said he did not want me to go back but would not stop me either as its my decision...i did all i could to reassure him and to make him think i cared, told him how happy he made me etc...We cuddled all night with him holding me so tighly and kissing me softly every now and then, we never had sex...i then woke up this morning and asked him if we was ok now and he just said again did not want a relationship i said but can you just see how things go and he said no then i said why and he said going for shower..whilst in shower i left..i felt humiliated and did not want to beg him after all i said last night..he did not contact when i went and i sent messages since and he has not replied however, we work together but not same office rather worrying...I just dont know what to do if he truely cares i want to fight but if he is just trying to get rid off me then i need to leave him alone..please help someone cause im starting to feel depressed now myself i so want this man in my life as never felt like this about someone in so long but how can i do that without it being all about him, this drama has already been going on for a week now as he reckons i dumped him a few days ago when i said would you perfer to be friends, again he ran off and ignored me then contacted and asked me to come and talk but said he ran off because he was hurt i had blown him out but i did not i just asked a question....Please please please someone advise cause im going mental and got noone to talk to and he wont talk to me either very confused hurt young woman is it time he needs or just not me xxx
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 I think you should give him time and space. If he is saying he is still in love with his ex then I think you are fighting an uphill battle.
I kind of went through a similar thing with a guy who was having issues. He didn't want to talk, didn't want to get together, etc. After a few weeks of me trying to be reassuring to him I decided to let it go and let him make the next move. It's been 4 months now and no word. It was hard and I was driving myself crazy. I too really cared for the guy, still do, but when someone doesn't want to be with you and you try to help but they don't want your help, you have to walk away. The one poster said the guy seems to want to wallow in his own self pitty. That is a good way of putting it. This guy does seem like he will only take you down with him eventually.
Realize it is not you, it is him. You can not fix him, only he can do that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): Depression is a terrible thing, both for the person who is depressed and for the partner of that person. I have gone through some bouts of depression during the past year and it has been difficult for both my wife and I at those times. I finally looked at all of the symptoms that started at around the same time and found that they all were symptoms of low testosterone levels, including the depression. I went to my doctor and he had me tested for some hormones and found that my testosterone was low. Now, his depression probably has nothing to do with hormones, but it could.
Anyway, back to the depression. I got so depressed for a few days last month that I didn’t even care if I was better. I didn’t care about sex or kissing or holding my wife or if I ever did it again. That was just before I started on testosterone replacement. I just didn’t care about anything at the time. That was easily the worst I have felt at any time before or since. Any other time that I was depressed I would want to fix the problem, but this time I didn’t. The thing about depression because of a hormone problem is that it is up and down because ones hormones go up and down when the problem begins. I could be really sad for a few days and think badly of everything and then be happy as can be for a few days or a few weeks.
When a person is depressed they can’t think in a rational way. They don’t know what they want. They think they have done nothing with their life except to make mistakes and make the wrong decisions. They are afraid to make a decision for fear that it will be wrong. They are not happy with their partner. It sounds like this is where he is at.
You say that he drinks a lot. I think that depression can lead to drinking. I have not done that this past year, but after my first wife left me, I was very depressed and drank a lot for a few months. After I started to feel better, I stopped the drinking. Except for those few months, my normal drinking is a glass of wine with dinner a few days a week.
It sounds like you are being a very loving and caring person. I just hope he can realize what a find you must be. When I was really depressed, I would think badly of my wife. When I was happy, I would realize that I had a wife that most men would die for. You sound like that type of person. It was difficult for my wife during those really sad periods. She was there to support me as much as necessary, at least until I would tire her out mentally that day. This was before either of us realized what was causing my depression. I have been on the T replacement for about 3 weeks and my lows are much better than before, but I still have them. They don’t last more than a day though.
It sounds like he does love you. When I was in or getting out of a low mood, I would want to just have my wife hold me. Sex was not nearly as important as affection. I just needed her to show me that she still loved me. The only thing that was important to me was that she still loved me.
I don’t know if he is just trying to get rid of you or not, but I’m guessing that he is not. I’m guessing that he is afraid that he is going to hurt you. I’m guessing that he is very confused about what he should do with his life. You said that he told you that he still loved his ex. Well, for the first time in our 22 years of marriage, I all of a sudden had a desire to have an affair. I couldn’t explain it. My wife and I talked about it several times. Why would I want an affair when we were having good sex 5 times a week and she cared about me like she did? I still can’t find a reason. Perhaps it was because I needed confirmation that someone else would want me, as I was feeling like a failure at times. I still don’t know. Who knows why he still says that he loves his ex. Perhaps it is because he has no confidence in himself and he needs the security of another woman.
The more I think about it as I write this, the more I think that he should have his hormones checked. A lot of doctors don’t know much about this subject so they just prescribe anti-depressants to men with depression. They treat the symptom instead of the cause. I have no idea how much that happens, but I’ll bet it is more than we know about.
Time will not heal his problem unless it is medically or psychologically addressed. It is up to you if you want to stand by him and help him. I don’t know how much you love him and how important he is to you. It has to be your decision. I’m sorry that I cannot be of more help to you, but I can’t really know yours or his feelings. If you want to read about depression, especially that linked to hormones, read some of the discussions on healthboards.com. Check the “Men’s Health”, “Sexual Health – General”, “Sexual Health – Men” and perhaps the “Depression” forums. Good luck and let us know what you think after reading some of the advice that gets posted to your question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): I think if you continue with this relationship it will just bring more confusion and trauma. I think you should let him go, to be honest; as it seems that he really can't commit to you at the moment even though he seems not to mean it in a harmful way. I am really sorry but i think you should just wait for him to call, and don't contact him, just end it.
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male
reader, jimmycrackcorn +, writes (15 June 2008):
I have been on medication for the same thing for about 8 years. When I get off the meds, I too feel like the world is collapsing around me...life sucks for me and the people around me. I dont think some people really ever get over their depression...it is just the way they are built.I suggest he talk to someone about his problems. Even simple things like exercise helps alot. But why put yourself through HIS shit. Get someone else. You dont have to be miserable just because he is...he obviously likes to wallow in his self pity....let him.
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