A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am in a long term relationship with a wonderful man in almost every way but one. Our sex life is non - existant. We have had sex one time in the last 4 years and that was only after I told him that I was unhappy about our lack of sex life.A bit of history. My guy is 52, in good health, fit, well controlled diabetes and high blood pressure. I understand that the medications and the conditions can cause eretile problems, but this is much more than physical. He has never been a sexual dynamo in bed, but once every two weeks was average for the first year, then it started happening less and less often. He has some sexual hang - ups which he blames on his Catholic upbringing, but it still seems more than that.When I confronted him, he swore that he desired me, found me sexy, but he just is NOT INTERESTED in sex. We are affectionate and loving, but not sexual. The problem is that I am resenting him for imposing celibacy on me. I have tried suggesting therapy, medications and things like vacuum pumps to assist him maintain an erection. And even if he cannot maintaine one, I su=ggested that there are othewr ways to please me, none of which he has shown much enthusiasm for. I am a very sexual person and as much as I love him, I have considered finding a lover. But I don't do casual sex anymore and need the love involved. But at this point, I don't know if I can feel sexual about him anymore, as he obviously has no desire for me. This causes me a great deal of pain, but it is very, very difficult to discuss, as he gets hurt and defensive and I would rather pull my arms off than to hurt him. In trying to save his feelings, I am suppressing my own needs, and am getting increasingly hurt and angry. I need some help.
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female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 It sounds a little one sided. You would rather pull your arms off than upset him, yet hes neglecting you sexually and youre suffering because of this....and he does nothing? You are a very patient lady. Having sex with you once in 4 years is not very giving of him. I would light a fire under him and ask him out right if he ever wants sex or not. Hes keeping you on a line for his own reasons. If he doesnt want a full relationship, as seems to be the case, he should allow you to find a lover.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): It sounds, to me, like he may be embarrassed that he can't please you or, possibly, keep an erection which can be a big blow to a man's ego and his sex drive. You talked about what he could do, why not ask him what you could to make it more comfortable for him since he is the one with possible erectile problem. As for a lover, I would not recommend that course at all because try as you might, it is almost certain that eventually he would find out. His sexual wants and needs do not necessarily reflect his desire for you, because as you said you are loving and affectionate. Finally the reason he gets defensive is again, probably because of embarrassment. You might try opening with a different way of asking a question like this method; step one, start by observing him and saying something like, "I can see that you don't really want to talk about sex."; step two, try to put your self in his shoes by saying something like, "I imagine that you feel embarrassed (frustrated, confused, disheartened any good adjective that fits) for whatever reason you don't make love with me."; step three, tell him how you feel basically, how you described how you feel to us; finally step four, tell him what you want (NOT SEX, avoid using the word sex in the address to him if at all possible) try something like, "I want you to be able to talk to me about why you won't make love to me any more for, whatever the reason maybe (then finish with a big suck up). Because I am you wife and I love you so dearly, you mean the whole world to me and I want nothing more than to help you." So in the end you helping him with his problem, helps you with your problem.
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