A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been living together for two years and we planned to get married this year.He was involved in a business deal before we met which last year started to go bad and for the past 6 months he has been using most of his salary (from his regular job) to pay off debt.The rest of it goes to child maintenance.I am left paying most of the bills, feeding and clothing him and giving him money for petrol.We have had to cancel all wedding plans and he can't at this stage say when he will have finished paying all this money.What is right in this situation - do I just keep paying up because we're engaged or is there a point where I say I've had enough?Is there any point to saying I've had enough when I know he'll be really struggling even with maintenance if he wasn't with me?That doesn't make me feel good or noble because I am so fed up right now.I don't have children or an ex to pay maintenance for and so it seems to me that it's a double whammy with me on the losing side.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): well what would he be doing now if he hadn't met you? If you weren't in the picture, would he be working harder to make more money, taking a second job, or budgeting money differently to pay off his debts and current expenses on his own? Would he be borrowing money from his parents (with the intent to fully pay them back)? Would he be taking the bus instead of driving? Would he be shopping at discount thrift stores for clothes instead of wherever else? whatever he would have done if you weren't around, is what he should be doing more of now. Yes you are engaged which means you need to be thinking of yourselves as a couple. But if he thinks being a couple means that he is absolved from personal responsibility, then YOU shouldn't be thinking of yourselves as a couple because his idea of couple-hood is destructive.These debts and expenses he has are individual to him, not debts incurred as a couple. Thus, it's wrong of him to be using money that comes from the union between you two, for something that has to do only with him. If it's a one-time small amount of money it's no big deal. but if it's a way of life that's very different. you feel that being engaged to him obligates you to make your money his because in marriage you're supposed to share everything. But did he make his money yours too? Did you have a say in what he spent all that money on which led to him being in debt? Did you have a say in how much money he put into the failed business? Did you have a say in his previous relationship which led to a child that he now has to support? No? then those are expenses that he should cover on his own because that's what Personal Responsibility entails. if you had no say in the generation of the debt, then you shouldn't be obligated to pay for the consequences. It would be different if you and him had discussed the business idea and you agreed that he should put in X amount of money into it, and you agreed that if the business succeeded you would benefit from it too, but then the business failed and now he's in debt. well in this scenario you were a part of that so then it would be right for you to step in and help pay for it. but in your actual situation this all happened before you even met him so he should keep it separate from you.As for his child support - well you obviously didn't have a say in that so I feel is his responsibility entirely and not yours. But if paying up child support means he now needs you to pay for everything else for him, that's essentially asking you to pay his child support. Like I said - whatever else he would be doing if you weren't in the picture, is what he should be doing now. Maybe he needs to get a second job, or to borrow money from his parents - meaning he will pay them back, which is different from you paying for stuff now because it looks like there's no intention to pay you back because it's YOU.this is the reason why so many marriages fail over money issues. It's because many people think that once they are married they dont' have to take personal responsibility anymore because they should have equal ownership of their spouses' stuff automatically. This is disrespectful, inconsiderate and rude and no wonder it destroys relationships.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): OP, I married a guy like this, and now 13 years later I am STILL paying off his debt because he never got caught up. that said, it seems to work out for other people. My sister's fiancee was very poor when they were dating. She supported him financially for years while he was in medical school. Then when he became a doctor he started to make a lot of money and so now they are married and very well off, debts paid off and all. All this happened because she stuck by him in the early years and didn't ditch him just because he was poor and she had to pay everything. I can't tell which way it will turn out for you. you have to look deeper than the quantitative value of the money and to what this says about your relationship. In my case, I always felt resentful and like I was being used for my money, which is still the case, because my husband was never honest with me about how much debt he owed (I kept finding out more and more debts over the years as well as the cover ups). My husband was and still is very secretive about his debts, does not take enough responsibility, so to me I feel like I have no real marriage because I'm kept in the dark and being used. this is a relationship problem, not a financial problem. In my sister's case, I guess they had a much more honest and open relationship with more trust and her husband was a lot more responsible and had better character and that's why it worked out.you have to determine what your money issues say about your relationship and your bf's personal issues (and yours too) that can impact the relationship later on. My guess is that your resentment comes not so much from supporting him per se, but from his being all too happy to accept this situation?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): Its sounding like your getting used. He has things in the wrong order. First he needs to be responcible for the child, then he needs to pay half the bills you both "share" then whatever is left over he can pay for the failed business on his own. He may need a socond job if he would like to pay this off sooner, don't make it your problem, it isn't. Make it clear men are supporters of the family. Do not marry this man or you will always have to do what he should be doing, understood. You have been given a sample of what is to come trust this. You have a child with him and he won't support it you will be doing that solely, while he supports his other child, court ordered I bet. Take care, make a good choice.....
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 How much does he owe in debt? There is a difference if he owes 10,000 grand or 50,000 or over 100,000. How much is he paying each month towards the debt? Look t how much he owes and how much he pays towards the debt and you can at least guess how long it will take to pay it all off. Don't get married at any point until his debt is paid off. How long have you been paying for most things? And how much longer would you be willing to do this? If it's building serious resentment and anger, then don't do it. His financial problems are not your problem. You're not married. You knew he had to pay child support when you dated, but with this business venture fiasco, it's obviously worse. Is he interested in getting another job? Do you want to him to get another job? Or are you at a point where this baggage is too much for your life?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): There are 2 things in his favour,he pays up his child support and he is working.Regardless of his situation he has to pay for his child/children and you knew that.
As for the debt, he wouldn't be able to clear it as fast if he wasn't living with you. Has he considered a debt management plan that could reduce the debt payments? I don't know if it would help as they may take your income into account.
If he moved into his own place or even back to his parents the pressure would be off you and the relationship, but surely you would still have the same outgoings pretty much,unless you rent out a room?
If you have had enough and have talked to him then only you know if this is a dealbreaker. Would he do the same for you if it was your debt do you think?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2012):
 have you discussed with him that maybe he needs a second job to help with the bills???
you need to show him what's going on... write out a budget and sit and talk about it and ask him if he can take on a second job or maybe take a loan from family to help pay off the debt faster and get a smaller monthly payback amount to the family...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 February 2012):
 If you are struggling financially because he made a bad deal and owes child support, you need to sit him down and talk to him. It is not fair that you should have to pay for his mistake and his child.
Do a budget. See how much you pay for rent, food, utilities, gas (petrol), phone (land line) and tell him you need him to help out. Being engaged doesn't mean you should pay all the bills. However, I DO think it's a good idea to put the wedding on hold til his debt is gone.
The sooner you talk to him, the sooner you can sort this out.
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