A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have a question that I have been having a hard time with. My husband and I have been married for 13 years together for 17.His mother recently passed away he was in Florida to be at her side for 1 week I took care of our kids. He returned here with needing no comfort from me. None. He has been continually standoff ish and rude. I took that as him needing space. I do remember when my dad died he was the only person I needed. In my experience he is all I needed, wanted around. He has made me feel so undervalued in my role as a wife. I dare not say anything as I really want him to grieve in his way. I feel I have no value in this relationship other than being the mother , housecleaner, cook in my family. I don't want to seem selfish but I really would like some understanding to my value here for him. I try to start conversations for example I made a reference to my muscle tone( I have been working out) he tells me I need to be more humble and should not need to brag about myself. Same goes if I cook a meal I think is good I may say something like" I out did myself" the look of pure disgust in me is very mind boggling. I don't get any praise for my daily duties from him so I fish for them. I continually get nothing . Please help me understand. He has always been attracted to a powerful woman role as that is what his mother was, but I am just a stay at home mom. Please help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 February 2014):
 Your plea is to help you understand. First I need to check my facts. You have been together 17 years and married 12. I'm assuming you are a little older than your profile indicates but that you still married somewhat young. I'm also assuming an average number of children. I'm assuming that you have felt undervalued for quite some time and that this recent withdrawal has just brought the issue to a head.
So here comes some ideas to help you get a grip on what is going on in his mind. 13 years and an average family size could mean that your youngest child is recently in elementary school all day. This is the definition of the 7 year itch. You have more time on your hands and he feels less tied down. This could introduce a distance in your relationship. This is a time to step it up and build up the relationship. You are doing that, he is not. But it could be the death of his mother causing him to seek alone time to process it. You are doing well at giving him the room he needs.
Another possibility is that his undisguised disapproval of you is a symptom of a split already in the process. He could be using his mothers death as an excuse to keep a distance from you because he doesn't feel comfortable with you.
So what should you do? Regardless of what is going on in his head. He is attracted to strong women. It is not your pride that disgusts him it is your need to hear him say it. He thinks you should know how good you are without him saying so. OK we all know that he is wrong, but that doesn't change how he is. oops, got back to him again, Back to what you need to do. You need to do some things on your own, especially if I am right and you have all the kiddies in school most of the day. My first suggestion is a part time job. It has the added bonus of putting some personal money in your pocket. This does wonders for your self esteem. It also gives you a source of approval outside of the home. Now if that is hard to find (avoid the fast food industry as they tend to be very low on approval and esteem building) the next bet would be to find a regular volunteer position. Something that requires you to be there at a certain time each week. Cub Scouts, girl scouts, Schools, Libraries, or your communities Senior citizens center are just a few ideas.
This worked for my wife and many other women your age. This does not resolve your very real need to have your husbands approval. He needs to come to a balance between pride and self esteem. His actions are bordering on damaging. He needs some counseling. But there is much you can do for yourself.
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