A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my fiance for about 9 months. I am a 22 year old college student and he is a 26 year old with a job, never went to college. This relationship has had a lot of problems, let me just say that to start with. When we got together, we were both just out of relationships and sort of clung to each other because we needed someone. i cheated in the beginning, had oral sex with an ex multiple times, but my fiance doesn't know this. He also cheated multiple times i know of. Slept with an 18 year old girl 3 times (he admitted finally). I know this for sure as I found texts and ended up calling her and finding out. Even after I caught him, I heard from her that he was still seeing her behind my back. He denies this and his ex wife even called me to tell me that he is telling the truth and she knows the girl and the girl is lying. But the girl told me the truth before about his cheating so why would she lie this time? Especially when he has proven to be the liar. I was able to get over this however because I was being unfaithful at the same time he was. It's not much of an issue in my mind. He then moved to be with me and moved in with me. I know you think I am stupid but I was very alone and needed companionship, no matter how misguided it was. I realize now this was probably a mistake. Anyways, like I said I got over him sleeping with this girl. However much worse was to come...A few months into the relationship I got pregnant and had an abortion. I wish to go on to graduate school and wasn't ready for a baby. This was a mutual decision between my boyfriend and myself. The day after my abortion, he drove home to our hometown (we are both from the same hometown where our families live and we have an apartment about 2 hours away in my college town) to see his daughter. He has a little girl from his previous marriage. Well that night instead of coming home to me when I was still emotionally shaken and physically shakey from the abortion, he stayed out all night drinking at a bar and shooting pool so he says. He ignored my many phone calls that night and finally came home at 5 in the morning. I was livid. He said he had been with friends, but when I looked in his phone, he had a text from his male friend asking his "what's her name." he stupidly left that text in there but ovbiously deleted everything else. he tried to lie for a long time that night that the text message was missent and he had no idea what it mean, that it was a mistake saying things like "you know how sometime you just get random texts and don't know what they mean." but eventually admitted to me he had been at a bar with another girl. We fought and i was ready to end it. The next day, when he got home from work, i looked in his phone again and he had called the girl he was with the night before. He maintains that they never slept together and they just shot pool and he came home, but his past history and the fact that he must have been texting about her to his male friend leads me to believe otherwise. Somehow i sort of forgave him for this. ithink i did it because I was so weak emotionally after the abortion. I felt completely worthless. He was so supportive and loving the day I got the abortion and then the next day, all of that happened. Things started going very well for a few months. He treated me amazing, flowers all the time, just very sweet, attentive, and he seemed genuinely sorry. A few months later after the whole staying out all night thing, I got into an arguement with his ex wife and one thing led to another and she called me a murderer. I didn't know what she meant so when I asked she told me that my boyfriend had told her we had an abortion. I saw this as the ultimate breech of trust. Something that should remain strictly between him and me, and he told her, his ex. Now I did tell my best friend and my mother. I also told an ex of mine who is a very close friend and who I trust very much. I was upfront nad honest about who I told however. I was so enraged when his ex told me this that I called him at work and demanded he come home. I asked him if he told her, hoping that she had found out some other way and was just claiming he told her to stir up trouble. He denied telling her, saying he didn't know how she found out. I made him call her and put it on speaker and ask her how she found and she said he told her the day he was at her apt. Ok I had the abortion on a saturday in february and he stayed out all night the very next night, sunday night. that sunday day that he went to our hometown, he told me he was at his moms house. I called his mom and he wasnt there. He eventually admitted he was at his ex's parents house to pick up his daughter. Well thats not what his ex said. She said he was at her house and thats when he told her about the abortion. He denied being at her house and said vehemently denied telling her at all. Eventually this was worn down to "well i must have told her because i don't know how else she could have found out, but i don't remember telling her." and then he finally admitted to telling her. All the trust he had been building the past few months was shattered. I was so hurt. He justified this by saying "well you told your ex about it..." My ex is a longtime ex, a good friend and would never use the info to hurt me. His ex is vindictive and hateful and they were divorced only a few motnhs before him and i got together. At this point we are living together in a new lease which isn't up until may of next year. I am financially dependent on my paretns and didn't want to burden them by having to pay two rents. I know, a weak and sad justification. But I forgave and tried to forget. I know people makes mistakes but I think what bothers me most is how he handles the mistakes he makes. Instaed of fessing up with the truth, he lies and lies and lies and denies and denies and denies until I pin him in a corner and he is forced to admit a little shred of the truth which I am by then so exhausted that I accept and somehow my mind goes into protective mode and I think "oh hes a good guy deep down, he won't do this again." Well again, a few months passed and he was very sweet, kind, and attentive. Everything was great. About a week ago, we were heading for a weekend away with his little girl and he got a text from a random number saying 'hey sexy.' he texted back and forth at my request and the person refused to say who they were claiming they were "hurt he doesn't remember them and they met at home a few weeks ago." I made him call the number and a girl answered and he asked who it was and she wouldn't say and then he asked her if she knew who he was and she said his full name. I made him call back many times but she wouldn't answer. He has never really explained this to me with substantial proof. I let it go because he hasn't been out of my sight to meet anyone really. I am in this lease with him until may 2010 as I have already said. I don't want to leave him, because other than these few disastrous events, we are very happy. All of this happened months ago except for the anonymous text/phone call which happened a week ago. Even when I go to class and he is home alone however I worry he will have someone over or something. I want to stay with him. How can I regain trust. I feel like, as I've told him mayn times, I'll never be able to forgive and forget unless I know the entire truth, no matter how much it will hurt. I've even thought about making him take a polygragh. But I feel insane for even thinking that and i would feel commitable if I made him do that. I don't even know if that can be arranged.He maintains I know the compelte truth about everything now. However I feel like he is lying. I feel like he slept with the girl he was out "shooting pool with" the night after my abortion. He denies this and says he wasn't even trying to sleep with her, she was just an old friend he ran into and he was also very upset about hte abortion and handled it terribly. If she was an old friend though, why did he ignore my calls and texts all night, but was texting his friend about this girl. I feel like he also slept with his ex wife the day he was at her house and lied about it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm living a lie. I am happy 90% of the time, until these thoughts creep in and then I feel liek an idiot, trapped and enraged. I love him and want to be with him. He does seem to have truyl changed since the incident with his ex. He has proposed, and spends all his time with me. He is so good to me since then. Please any advice. And be kind, I already feel stupid enough.
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abortion, at work, best friend, divorce, ex-wife, fiance, flowers, his ex, liar, moved in, my ex, oral sex, text, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (1 September 2009):
 Hey,
Glad I could be a help...wish you the best!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the poster. Thank you so much for your advice. You are right, I do become a doormat for him. I love him very much so its hard to stay angry. I guess I go from being very angry to thinking well maybe I deserve this (I feel like I should be punished for the abortion and for my cheating in the beginning) to just letting it go all too quickly. I will talk to him and tell him the truth, and I think you're right. Maybe if I show him that I can tell him the truth, he will feel like he can tell me the truth. That's what i really need to move on, the truth. We have both made mistakes and I can forgive him and eventually forget. Things have been wonderful for quite a while now. I just can't forgive and forget when I don't feell I know the truth. I can't move on when questions keep popping into my head about "what really happened?" Hopefully that makes sense.I appreciate you taking the time to read this and not judging me. I did say yes to the proposal, but I don't feel like the wedding will ever happen with the way our relationship is right now. I won't let it happen for a long time. I atleast want to be in graduate school somewhere first. I do want to marry him, but I will not marry him until I trust him and I have told him that. Thank you again, and your advice was wonderful!
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A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (29 August 2009):
First of all I will say this: no one that can cheat & lie to you is good for you and that goes both ways. If you can't trust each other enough and stay totally committed & honest to and with each other, then you really can't enjoy the benefit a TRUE & LOVING relationship and long as he keeps violating your trust, and giving you reason to doubt him and you keep accepting his actions and forgiving it without showing a "standard": then he won't change too much! Because he's comfortable with doing it, knowing that you'll be there to forgive. And I'm not saying that forgiveness is wrong at all, it is the TOTAL right thing to do, but not at the expense of becoming a "doormat", for lack of a better word. Sure you may have cheated on him before and you may inwardly feel guilty about it (and I believe that may also be a reason with the trust issue here also) but that is still no reason for you to stay & put up with what he's doing to you. Some of the things that you've mentioned concerning him lying to you about make no sense at all: some of the things are pointless, he's lying just to lie and he shouldn't need to do that. You deserve better honey and if you stay with him he has to do better, not being just someone who does better for a few months and then goes right back to acting a fool of himself a while later. You need someone who is committed to truth, trust & you: AT ALL TIMES, point blank. And you in return you need to give that to him also. And I'm not trying you make you feel bad but you can't wholeheartedly expect so much truth & honesty from him when you haven't been quite the angel in this relationship either. Yes you've gone through a few things and I don't make light of it at all (as I have experienced some of the same). But you have to give out what you want to receive and to get complete honesty & faithfulness you have to give that also. You both are at fault here & in order to make it work, if you two really love each other & can't see yourselves with other partners: then you both have to give to each other 100% of EVERYTHING!
You say that you want to build trust again, but you can't fully build it when YOU have "secrets" from him as well, it just does not work that way sweetheart. You both need to be honest toward one another. You both need to sit down like the ADULTS you are and discuss some things about your relationship with each other...honestly & openly. That is where trust begins to rebuild: through communication & ACTIONS THAT GIVE OFF TRUST,not sneakiness and secrets. And it does take time to regain the things that were lost, so talk with him, help each other to be honest and be patient. I also suggest that maybe you two should get counseling, if you can't really talk about certain things on your own, it could be a tremendous help to your relationship & to your future marriage (if you said yes:)
I hope I helped you in someway & I wish you all the best! :)
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