| A
female
,
*ikki866
writes: We broke up last night.I didn't see it coming. I did, but I didn't. He came home from work around 7:30 (this being Saturday evening) and said to me with no notice, "You're not going to like what i have to say, but I really HAVE to paint the condo (his villa that he wants to put on the market) tonight. I have been putting it off, and I work 12 hours a day 6 days a week, and my only nights off, my only sundays off, are always spent consumed by you and with you partying and nothing is getting done at that condo."I felt badly because here it was almost 8:00 on a Saturday night and he hadn't called ALL DAY to give me an indication of not being with me on Sat night but that was okay, I agreed he should go and work on it. Then I said, "are you going to do it tomorrow too?" and he said "probably should...."So I felt very disappointed but tried to hide it because I didn't want to rock the boat or come off as being demanding of his time, since that was a bit of his resentment, I felt.So he said, "I'm sorry if I ruined your weekend... you can come by and hang with me while I paint...." and I said no, because i didn't get the feeling he really wanted me to go or hang with him. I felt he wanted to be alone. So I declined and he said, 'are you going to go out? because i can't stop you but if you go you will probably get hit on...' and i said, "no, i'll stay home, i don't want to go out without you. maybe i'll drop over later to say hey." and he said all right. (I wanted to make him feel that the one night he is going to paint and leave me here, I wouldn't be rushing out to a bar to pick up someone, you know? I wanted to be reassuring.So then I said, 'are you coming home to sleep tonight?' I ask this because he has a bed there. He said "yeah i'm coming home when i'm doing working there tonight but i don't know what time it'll be, and i can't call you, because i don't have a cell phone anymore." Then he proceeded to put on his paint jeans, his rattiest white hanes undershirt, (he always wears these old holey shirts for painting) and his paint-splattered work boots.(remember, when he quit the other dealership last Friday, he had to turn in the corporate cell phone he had back to them. He hadn't replaced it.... said he wasn't going to get another cell phone since i was the only person who called him anyhow and we lived together so he didn't want to spend the money on one...So he leaves on his motorcycle.About an hour later, I'm missing him. I'm bored. I spend every day here alone. i look forward to seeing him. he is the light of my life and he's working 1 mile away. and after all, he did say if i get bored to stop in....so I go over to his place.I knock on the door. No answer.I turn the knob.I open it and step inside. As you step inside the condo, it's a 2-story and you look straight up 12 steps to the 2nd floor. I see Joe standing at the foot of the landing at the top, talking on a cell phone.his cell phone.I hear him say pretty fast, "I'll talk to you later" and hang up.Before I can say anything, he says, "That was Joey" (his 25 yr old son)I ignore that. My heart has sunk as the realization hits me that he was talking on a cell phone. One he told me he didn't have. One that, looking back, he must have had for awhile, and kept hidden in my camry since he was driving my car to and from work....I say, "You have a cell phone?" I look puzzled and confused, and very sad.He looks away and says, "I just got it today."I look at him. He is wearing a red polo shirt.He didn't leave the house wearing that.he had on an old tee.I say, why did you change your shirt?he says, "this is an old shirt from the dealership. i didn't want to get paint on my other shirt."I am reeling in my head between the shirt thing and the cell phone. I'm at a loss for words.... the shirt change didn't seem important at that moment, even when i realized that he had TUCKED IT IN. (he only tucks in his shirts when he's going out)I said, you lied to me. you told me that you couldn't call me tonight when you were done painting because you didn't have a cell phone.He said, eyes averted, "I was going to call you."I looked at him and said, very sadly, "Well, this is it. I've had enough."He looks at me and says, "I understand. I'm sorry."I turn around, walk down the stairs. He calls after me, "are you driving my car or yours?" I ignore him. He asks again. I answer, "my own car" and with that, i left. I shut the door behind me, start my car, and leave.5 minutes later my cell phone rings as i'm driving.I am crying. I say "Hello?" He says, "Hey, guess what -" and that's all he could say, because I hung up on him.He calls back. says 'don't hang up on me... can you meet me at the house so I can get my stuff? Can I get into your house to get my things or can you meet me there?" I say i cannot believe how heartless and matter of fact you are. he says, "What do you want me to do?" and I yell as loud as I can, "I WANT YOU TO FIND THE LONGEST, HEAVIEST, FATTEST POLE MADE AND SHOVE IT AS FAR UP AS IT WILL GO" and I hang up crying.he calls back. Asks me to please meet him at the house.I tell him fine. He has moved out on me 3x now in 6 months citing commitment reasons, doesn't know what he wants, but it is nobody else. it's just about him. no other women. This is a 45 yr old man.Jesus. I meet him at the house and slam my car door. I'm beyond talking. I'm crying in fits of sobs and for the first time i am actually helping him move by tearing his things out of the closet, carrying his clothes to his car trunk, etc. He says, babe you don't have to do that... come on..... and I am crying saying how can you just come here again and leave me again.... you never loved me. he said paula, you need to find a guy with kids. a guy who will give you what you deserve.... and i said, "Do you really want me to find someone else????" and he said, "NO" I asked again. He said no again. Then I cried in the bathroom and was hysterical and he hated that I was like that, and he said paula i will call you tomorrow, please just calm down and we'll talk. i was destroyed. He was making his way to the front door saying, "please, don't yell and act like this; I don't want the cops to come." And then he said, "let me get home. give me 20 minutes to empty the trunk out...and i'll call you. maybe we can talk and meet for a drink tonight."I am just crying. He leaves. I don't wait here for his call. I leave too. I go out, and he doesn't call me until 2 hours later. He says, "I just called to tell you how sorry i am. I'm about 50 miles out of town on my motorcycle and just wanted to stop quick an tell you I feel terrible about all of this." I said, "well I went out." He said, (a little sarcastic) "I figured you would." I said, well i knew you wouldn't call me and I wasn't going to sit home waiting on you anymore." And he said well I just wanted to say sorry. I said is that all you have to say? and he said yes just that i feel awful. I said why wouldn't you just come out and tell me you didn't want to be with me anymore? I HAD JUST ASKED HIM 2 NIGHTS AGO IF HE WANTED TO MOVE OUT BECAUSE HE WAS ACTING CONFUSED AND MORE DISTANT AND HE TOLD ME NO. I SAID ARE YOU GOING TO STAY OR LEAVE, AND HE SAID, WELL I'M SITTING HERE AREN'T I. I said why wouldn't you be straight with me? Why did you lie about the phone? He said, "I just didn't feel like being bugged by you tonight."It was like I was stabbed in the chest when I heard that.I cried more and yelled and told him i had never been treated so callously or lied to by someone like he had done to me. and that I was very insulted and hurt because I have done nothing but been a GREAT girlfriend to him for a year.I have listened to his ex-wife problems when he was "confused" about her. I dealt with him complaining about his job. I listened to his commitmentphobia and accepted all of his excuses. I never cheated on him. I stocked the fridge with beer for God's sakes.I loved him better than I loved myself. and i suppose that was my downfall.So I said to him, "Well you don't have to worry about me BUGGING you anymore because we're through!" and he said to me, "Paula, we can still be friends! We can still go to play poker and maybe hang out." Then he said to me, "Maybe we'll be okay a year from now"I was just so distraught you don't even know.And last night he hung up on me when he had called to apologize at midnight, because i couldn't calm down and was sobbing and yelling. I called him back and got his voice mail immediately. He had shut his phone off.I left him a message basically just saying "I loved you Joe, and I don't understand why you had to lie about having a phone... we live together. I should have been the first person to have that number but now i know you don't want me in your life and i won't bother you anymore. i'm sorry for everything but you were my best friend and i didn't deserve this... i always gave you my best and you don't do this to a friend." and i was crying and hung up.this morning i called and hung up (it rang once)this evening (7 hrs later) I did it again.he hasn't called me.I wonder if he will ever call me again. He has, in the past, always called feeling terribly guilty for hurting me. He has done this kind of thing before to me. But last night; to find out he didn't want me to call him to the extent of not giving me the phone #..... of not letting me know he had the phone..... that mixed with the fact that he was wearing a nice shirt and was TALKING TO SOMEONE on the phone just breaks my heart.And if I had not walked in and saw it with my own two eyes, he would have come home and not broken up with me. I think he wanted to let me be the bad guy. I said to him, "I don't know how you can be so heartless and feel so indifferent about me" and he said "i don't."but actions speak louder than words.I'll try not to call him anymore, but i wonder if i will get over him and then he will go and call me.... citing he wants to be friends... i'm wondering if he's not calling right now because he wants to let me cool off and be able to talk rationally, or if he is never going to contact me again.I'm just so lost. you know the old adage, you don't know what you got til it's gone? He always told me every time he left me in the past he would miss me too much and come back. but this time, i don't know.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): Okay, well, I'm glad he responded and your reply was certainly appropriate.
From what he said, it sounds to me like he did value what you had together, does care about you, but also very clear that its at an end. He just wishes he had handled it better and not caused you pain. (Note: nobody WANTS to hurt anyone. Ending a relationship is usually not an easy decision, and not arrived at without much thought - unless of course, the whole thing has been hell-on-wheels, but can hardly be done without the "dumpee" being hurt and disappointed.)
I do hope you will find the strength and resolve to let it go now and move on with your life. Also to see what you can learn from it, especially what you want, and don't want, in another relationship!
Hard as it is, as the other poster told you, it will get easier in time, and you may have a very different perspective six months from now. And IF then, after he doesn't hear from you and possibly decides to contact you, you can reconsider. Strange as it may seem, its possible that by then you won't even want to! Been known to happen!
Anyway, focus now on what makes you happy and what you can do for others - enjoy your life!
A
female
reader, Nikki866 +, writes (18 April 2007):
Nikki866 is verified as being by the original poster of the question He finally wrote and answered me. He wrote a very long email apologizing that he is the one messed up, and it is nothing I did.
here's what he wrote.
i got your emails and i've been thinking about how to respond all day long
.......... first let me say that im very sorry for the way it ended .... you
and i if nothing else were always great friends and you didnt deserve to be
treated that way ....... the problem is totaly with me .... there is nothing
wrong with you or your beautiful kids or your great home .. theres nothing
wrong with your parents or friends ... nothing wrong with your job ,, no
money issues ,, and none of this has to do with me being involved or wanting
to be with another woman ........ i've told you many many many times that im
a mess ............. we got very hot and heavy and things just kinda took
off on thier own ..... i know i talked a great talk and we made great plans
and it may have all worked out great ............ but it always comes back
to me being a mess ............ i really dont know where im going or where
im going to end up .......... im just at a point in my life where im kinda
lost ...... but again no matter what my problem is i know i should have come
to you as a man and ended it in a better way . i'll always wish i handled it
better .... as i said you deserve better !!!!!!!!!! ........ i still dont
have the reason or answer your looking for as to what went wrong with me ...
and i say me because again you have no fault in any of this ....... this is
truly my loss and it will most likely be something i regret for the rest of
my life .......... you and the year we were togeather is something i'll
never forget as long as i live .... i know i fucked up many times along the
way and i really dont know whats wrong with me ........... i dont think the
grass will be greener or i'll find a better partner ............ i have no
excuse for the way i handled things in the last year but i know i've hurt
you and again the pain of hurting you will be with me forever .......... my
life is not better for losing you .......... and again all i can say is that
im very sorry for the way things turned out .... please forgive me if you
can and please know that you will always be in a very special and warm place
in my heart and my mind ........... im very very sorry for everything
I took a moment to write back that it was all right, that i loved him and wanted him to find his happy spot, whether i was in the equation or not, and that i hoped we would remain friends but that was his call.
and that's all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nikki866 +, writes (17 April 2007):
Nikki866 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you. I will now. I did all i could do. i went over the top.
i know it's time to let go. it's just hard.
i loved him so much.
but i know it's over.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nikki866 +, writes (17 April 2007):
Nikki866 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you. I will now. I did all i could do. i went over the top.
i know it's time to let go. it's just hard.
i loved him so much.
but i know it's over.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): Geez, you just can't leave this alone, can you?
Or CAN you? You have called or emailed this man FIVE times since he ended it over the weekend. And has he responded? No. Shouldn't that tell you something?
The first email was FINE. I mean that. It was nice: you said you were sorry; you told him how much he has meant to you, and said you were going to leave things alone. It was enough.
This second one was way over the top. If he needed more convincing that he was right to end it, I'm afraid your excessively long, very needy, repetitive email, was liable to provide proof positive. I don't know about him, but many men (and women if they got a letter such as that) might well think "Oh no, not again"!
Please, show some dignity! You do not need this guy, especially since he's making it abundantly clear he no longer wants you in his life. By being so obsessed with him you are making things much more difficult for yourself than they need be.
Talk to a counsellor if that will help. Focus on your own life (as you said you are going to do in that final(?) email and learn from this!
I hope you can come to terms with this ending and find some peace and healing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nikki866 +, writes (17 April 2007):
Nikki866 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the world's biggest IDIOT. I wrote him again! Then I called him to tell him to please read the LAST EMAIL I WILL EVER SEND YOU but I didn't have a chance because he answered his cell but was talking to a client in his office and all i heard was the financing conversation and he hung up the phone... he used to do that when i would call if he was in a meeting as his way to let me know he couldn't talk.
JESUS I wrote the below email and i hate myself now, but you know, I HAD TO GET IT OUT and now IT IS ALL OUT and yes, he will see me LIVING MY LIFE NOW. I am going to get out and MAKE MY LIFE FOR MYSELF NOW. And maybe, someday, he will contact me at least for a decent resolution. Here's what i wrote. i'm sure he won't read it through anyhow...:
Here... so you don't forget what i look like. so you don't forget who me
and the kids were
I'm having a bad time. I know I shouldn't write. I tell you i won't write
or call you ever again yesterday and now i'm sitting here writing... i
figure you think oh yeah she's really gone... she can't stop contacting
me.... well, it's hard Joe... but I know this has to be the last time I
reach out to you and now i'm getting my feelings out and I'm done. After
this email, I've said all there was i could say, and i'll bow out.
I was reading this old email i attached, and i started crying and laughing
at the same
time when i got to the part about the razor without a blade....at the very
bottom of this email letter... i still can't believe i was shaving without a
razor in the thing. jesus that was funny i almost pissed myself in the
shower laughing and even now i'm still smiling at the thought of you
dripping and pointing at me in hysterics screaming WHAT are you doing!!!! ~
Even now I smile at that memory,... I smile at a lot of our memories... even
though I'm a tangled mess inside. my eyes tell too much. I don't want to
meet eyes with anyone. I was at Rumrunners the other night where I met that
girl I told you i found and we were talking, and the bartender in there
looked at me and said, "your eyes look so sad." I mean, I didn't realize I
looked so pathetic sitting there... i walked into the bathroom and the girl
looking back at me in the mirror was an exhausted stranger who had nothing
behind her eyes... it was like my eyes looked dead and vacant and i was sad
and everyone could tell and i was so embarrassed and pissed at myself
because I couldn't hide it for long. But I had a smile and a wink for that
girl i met and
we talked, because I didn't want her to know. In the bathroom though, I
cried. I cried because I can't change anything except the way I react to
what's happening, but every time i try to change it and act strong and
positive, I just have to look in the mirror and i see the truth of the loss
in my face. I look like an orphan who's dog just died.
I guess I smile at a lot of our memories because you were a priceless gift I
had for awhile, and no, I don't think you were perfect, not even close, and
neither was I.... but every memory ~ good or bad doesn't matter ~ every one
will be held close in my heart.... every plan we made, every crazy escapade
we got ourselves into. Sometimes we were like Lucy and Ethel. :)
Sometimes I felt like it was you and me against the world, and other times,
it just felt like laying with my very best friend; the person who knew my
head and heart better than any other person on the planet.... and that was a
huge comfort.... to be next to and loved by the person who really knows your
mind,.....We were two peas in a pod. like the email said, not having you is
like jumping rope
with no rope.... bittersweet but it's true.
I see where I fucked up. Sometimes you can love somebody so much it's like
you're smothering them. PLEASE don't think that's what I'm trying to do by
writing this today. I just have to purge a lot of stuff. I don't expect
you to answer me. I'm writing and sending this for my own healing... so I
know that I gave it my best and at least tried to explain my feelings and
what i'm going through.... so you know what you really did mean to me.
I loved you in a way I never loved a man... it was stronger and more
sealed... there wasn't a question in my mind about it. I guess I did the
relationship wrong because I never had another one like this to gauge it
against... i never had another love like you, so i probably did things i
could have avoided or done different but I had no model to follow... you
were one of a kind.
But I see the mistakes I made, over and over, in that I tried to protect the
relationship from any problems so much that I overlooked a lot of things, I
didn't set any boundaries, and toward the end there were times I accepted
behavior from you I shouldn't have... you got stone-cold busted and I
haven't gotten so much as a phone call from you or an email since. I guess
I have to face the facts of what that means... it's easy for you to forget
me and go off in a new direction...
I never wanted to act like Joyce and be a pest or have you view me like i
bugged you. yet i'm here writing again. Please don't see it as a weakness.
I'm trying to heal from my loss in the only ways I know how. You will never
know how much you were truly valued and appreciated by me. i loved you
dearly and love doesn't just go away when one person leaves... you can't
choose who you love. I even told you on the couch the night before you
left... that i knew every day with you was a gift. But you weren't a
God.... you were just a man, and one I loved who really couldn't do much
wrong in my eyes. Now I see the mistakes you made and continue to make, and
it doesn't make me love you less; i just accept you now as you are instead
of who I want you to be. I still accept you without you changing a hair on
your head, but I'm going to take care of me too now...
there were so many funny times we had. you touched my life Joe. I know I
wasn't supposed to love you, but you were the man of my dreams. how could i
resist you. I mean Joe you fell off the hotel bed with such a weird thud, i
never saw anything like that in my life. a comic couldn't have fallen more
densely between the two beds... i'm smiling here with a broken heart that
feels sliced open and i'm still smiling at that fall with tears in my eyes
because you were such a goofball. it's so funny when you lose somebody
important to you how the weirdest little memories touch you and you're
reminded of strange little moments that, when they happened, you didn't
realize you would carry them inside of you forever and revisit them.... You
said you knew my heart. You told me you knew what I needed and wanted in my
life, and that you were the man who understood how to protect, sexually
please, guide, communicate with, and love me... You said so many times that
time would take care of everything... that we were in a circle storm that
would end with clear skies at the other side. I held out a lot of hope for
us, especially when you came back over Christmas and even last month when I
heard you tell Joyce, "i'm just having a hard time saying goodbye to Paula
and letting her go..." It was like you admitted to yourself that you
weren't able to walk out of my life anymore.... I really felt like I knew
you couldn't ever really leave me forever... that no matter how many times
you walked out of my life, you would be back in some respect... as a friend,
lover, whatever...... I felt like we were destined no matter what fallout
I'd have to deal with in the meantime. I felt like whatever didn't kill us
would eventually make us stronger.... i don't know anymore though... I'm
starting to really question what was real to you and what was wishful
thinking on my part. I know my feelings were real though, and I was with
the right guy. I knew I was done. I felt so easy and relaxed
around your family and friends.... Just 2 weeks ago, I met Sue and her
family and held that baby. And we were in her house, and we were very much
partners and together, and everyone knew it there.... like nobody knew there
was a problem with you. I didn't even know, really... that it would be so
easy for you to walk away from me and forget me.
I would have been an exceptional partner and
woman for you. I would have given you my honest opinion on things... like
the Corvette you want? Get the cadillac and let them pay for it. That got
me thinking too... I said I wanted a Camaro or firebird and I remember you
saying, "you don't need a car like that; it will attract the wrong kind of
attention." and I thought, but you want a vette... I mean, I could call you
on stuff you'd say cuz I'm a smart girl.... I could put myself into your
situation no matter if it was about another woman, or your job, or any
problem you were having, and I could easily, with a little time to figure it
out, find a few good solutions for you. I was a good thing to have your
life. I would have been devoutly faithful, supportive, and I would have continued to love you unconditionally because I'm an
old-fashioned girl in that way, and I would have let you run the show,
ultimately.... even the cell phone thing wouldn't have been a deal-breaker
because women are just women.... you always said that you could find another
woman, but she wouldn't be me. and that i was unique. I guess now you'll
find out, because something is definitely up this time... i don't know
what's going on, but there's something going on, and I know it. At this
point, it's none of my business anymore though. But you know what, when it
comes down to it i'm not even threatened by other girls. Go find them, see
them and sleep with them.... it doesn't matter. I've already proven myself
to you and I know I can give you something they can't. I know it's me you
always wanted to talk to when there was an issue in your head... you knew i
would have the stability to really listen to you and try to work towards
solutions. I was able to put myself in your shoes every time, and I never
judged you. That's what I can give you. I accept you exactly as you are
and i'll let you run the streets and get it out of your system, and when you
get weary, tired and confused, i'm here with my arms open cuz that is love..
But right now, I have to accept it's over and forget everything. I have to
look at it like this time it's the real thing... the grand finale. It
probably is.
it's like last november.
nobody can bring me out of this. it just hurts so much it's hard to eat or
sleep.... it's hard to talk or function. I wrote this great email to you
that was so mature and graceful, and it sounded so strong. I really tried
to say what I could to exhonerate you and let you feel it's ok to go without
feeling badly.....and here I am typing this and the truth comes spilling
out. What I would give to go back to the fun days of the beginning now...
when my only care in the world was those nights of adventure in passion in
the bedroom when we'd make hours of it and end up a sweaty mess. I didn't
have any concerns about what tomorrow would bring. I was living for the
moment and laughing every second of the way with you and we were chewing on
pork rinds and oinking at each other and you were falling off beds and we
were sitting in bathtubs eating chinese food and talking about life..... In
hindsight, life was really great for us back then. I wish we could have
done the malibu grand prix thing... and i wish we could have hit Vegas. i
really do. I was ready to live life too... i was ready for adventures and
to learn about the car auctions... i wanted to do a flea market business or
something cool. I thought we were compatible as hell, but what did I know..
Now I think the best thing for us would be a 2-day trip off to the Keys
someday...to get away from everyone and remember what brought us together in
the first place.... a trip to purge the bad shit and renew our friendship
and the fun we once enjoyed so easily together.... but i don't know.... i
think if you were to take a trip it wouldn't be with me... i think you're a
little bored now, and i think something happened and i have to face that you
may have designs on something else right now, so i need to step back and let
you go figure that out... explore it, and see. maybe you'll realize i
really was unique and good for your life and maybe not. but i need to step
out and let you go so you can find out for yourself in your own way and in
your own time.
I can't change my circumstances, and you shouldn't have to change your
dreams
for your own future to blend into my world. I want you to experience all
life has to offer you. Grab it and run with it Joe. Live all your dreams
and live them for me too. When you travel, please think of me when you see
something really special or cool. See it for me. Remember you're taking my
heart with you on every single journey you venture on, whether you want it
or not. It's just with you, and that's how it is..
I don't feel like i have closure here.. I just can't believe this is how it
ends... that all the words, all the love
and all those good times together were for nothing. But I guess I'd better
start believing it. I can't believe next month, May 18th, will be nothing..
just another empty day. it should have been a party.
knowing there will never be a weekend in key west, or boston, or Vegas.....
knowing we'll never go to see mom and dad again. i will never meet your
brothers; i know that now. i'll never see Jason again, or Joey. I liked
them.... i liked everyone you introduced me to...knowing i'll have to face
my future without you in it. my parents will get sick and leave me too.
we'll never get the house with the outside shower. we'll never host a poker
party or go to the malibu gran prix or get that cadillac in the garage.
You'll never see Marisa go to her prom. Dom wanted to teach you the Risk
game... I haven't told anyone what's going on.... I don't know why I'm
trying to protect the relationship. It doesn't seem like there's even
anything left to salvage from the way things went down last weekend... you
left without blinking one eye at me... you just were there one hour, and the
next hour you were gone forever.
And with your departure went my sunshine.
No more i love yous and no more
tucking myself into your armpit at night.... you don't know what you brought
into my life. All my hopes for someday went out the door when I saw you
talking on that phone Saturday night, dressed up with that red shirt tucked
in. Then I knew everything that was, and wasn't, in your heart for us. I
knew you were out. All I have left is 'what ifs'. I feel like a snowflake
that's fallen into the sea and is quickly melting, lost and alone.
I feel like I lost a part of me... like my arm. or my heart.
i woke up with lyrics in my head this morning.....
remember that song, 'i can't tell you why'....
Look at us baby, up all night
Tearing our love apart
Aren't we the same two people who live
through years in the dark?
Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can't tell you why
When we get crazy,
it just ain't right,
Girl, I get lonely, too
You don't have to worry
Just hold on tight
(don't get caught in your little world)
'Cause I love you
Nothing's wrong as far as I can see
We make it harder than it has to be
and I can't tell you why
every time i try to walk away, something makes me turn around and stay...
that's that part that gets my heart in a knot
I wake up and as soon as I get conscious I realize you're gone. I looked in
the closet from the bed and I saw how empty the top shelf is. That's how I
remembered it was real. You really were gone. Sometimes when I wake up I
don't realize it's real because I'm still in your bed, and I'm still
surrounded by your things. Even your clothes are still in the laundry.
That oscar fish is staring at me every time i walk by... he's so aggressive
he head-butts the glass practically trying to get my attention.
The thing that makes it real is that the closet's empty and so is the
driveway...and so's the bed and my heart. I know this is right for you, but
it feels awful to me. You know how I know it's right for you? Because it
seemed like it was really, really easy for you to do this... almost like you
were waiting to do it.... Marisa asked where the money jar went. She's so
smart. Then I said well it's not here anymore and she immediately said,
"Where is Joe mommy?" I didn't answer her and she came up to me and said
'mommy don't be sad he's probably just busy at his new job right now...'
What Marisa doesn't know is that she's right, but your 'job' is your 'life'.
You're busy in your new life figuring it out...
So I guess I should do the same thing....finalize the divorce with tony... i
have to go to court next Thursday morning, and go from there. Focus on me
and take it slow. I should have been doing that all along with you. For
what it's worth, I see where I messed up with us now. Doesn't matter
anymore, but if i had it to do over again, i'd sure worry less about the end
destination and enjoy the journey with you a lot more. I'm sorry I scared
you away.
You left without even batting an eye. You acted so indifferent Saturday
night. No emotion, just logic. No sense of loss from you..... God Joe, how
could you not care at all ????????? If you don't love me anymore, ok. But
how could you just not care. You haven't even written or called. You've
disappeared in every way, and I get the hint finally..... it's time for me
to pull out too.. But I did deserve the closure and at least an effort on
your part to say goodbye to me the right way... you are just faded out again
without even looking back.... we were worth more than that.
I should have listened more to what you were saying
to me. I shouldn't have had selective hearing and only heard what I wanted
to hear. The signs were there, and I should have encouraged you to move
back to the villa when you had suggested it. Looking back, it wouldn't have
made a difference, really.... we'd see each other a few times a week or
whatever, and when we would, it would be quality time and we'd have a blast.
It sure sounds like a good game plan now, but I think you're off doing
something else at this time, and I need to respect that and let it run its
course.....
And Jesus I did not want to write this to pull guilt from you or make you
feel bad. I just had to write one last time to tell you what a difference
you made in my life and that i know i have to really let you go now, so you
can get the one that's meant for you, or the destiny meant for you, or
whatever it is you need to find. and that's the last favor I can do for you
is disappear. I'm so sorry again baby. I know how things are now, and you
don't need to worry about me continuing to pop up and beg or cry....
whatever grieving I do from today forward, I'm not going to put you through
it with me....I do not want you to see me like this and I don't want to
cause you any guilt or problems. I'm praying lately. God knows i'm in
trouble if I'm talking to Him... I'm asking Him to take this off of both of
us... off of me and you too... and to take care of it for us, however it's
meant to be. And I think God would want me to assure you that you're
free.... You need to know that you are in charge of your own destiny and
that THAT IS OK by me, even if I am not part of it.... I always wanted to
make it easy for you to leave IF THAT WAS WHAT YOU WANTED because I don't
want to cause you any grief or struggle against you....
it's like the story of me walking my big puppy without a leash in the park.
He'd want to run and frolic, and finally I'd take his leash off and stand
up, hands on hips, look at him and point away saying ok, go.... and my big
puppy would just sit in front of me wagging his tail, and i'd say shoo
shoo!!! and he would sit there with a cockeyed head panting at me.... and
we'd go home.
Sometimes my puppy would run, but he'd find his way back home again when he
was tired or lonely or missed the comfort..
Well, on Saturday my puppy ran away, but this time I don't think he's coming
back. Maybe he thinks he found some greener grass..... :(
The saddest thing is, I know where my big puppy is. But he doesn't want to
be found.... and i have to let him go now.
i have to not write you or contact you anymore. It's obvious you've already
moved on. you're already on a new agenda and I just feel totally like you
already forgot about us... so, I can't initiate anymore contact, Joe... I
know you don't want to hear from me anymore ~ that was obvious on saturday
night...
i have to face the fact that you didn't tell me you had a phone because you
didn't even want me to call you. I have to keep reminding myself of that...
that's the only reminder i need that you don't want to hear from me anymore.
you set things up so you could leave... you know how to reach me, and it's
not happening, so i've got to let this go and pull myself together. I don't
want to be a pest in your life or a pain in the ass... mostly i don't wanna
be in your life if you don't want me there anymore.
Someday, maybe you will figure out what you want... when you figure
it out, let me know. I wonder what Cathy would tell me to do (your ex)... i
think she would say, Paula i know him better than anyone. Honey, let him
alone and give him all the space in the world. Let him figure it out. he
knows you love him. he knows you're good for him, but he's got to come to
his own conclusions. Let him be... he'll talk when he's ready.
Right now, I absolutely HAVE to give you space, and it is excruciatingly
hard because i miss you terribly. My heart breaks for you every day.
But I'm going to give you what you want. I'm serious.. I won't ever contact
you again. That's why I'm sending you our pictures. So you don't forget
who we were.
You can officially consider me gone.
Paula
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): No, that was a very nice email you sent him.
And now that you have sent it, don't contact him again. Obviously what happened was very traumatic for both of you, but I really do hope you'll think about the way you respond another time, whether its with him or someone else. I said yesterday that dramatics are very hard to take. I wasn't chastising you, but responding to what you told us. It doesn't really matter what I think: the point is it went over like a "lead balloon" with him. Nor am I saying he is blameless in all this.
Anyway, you surely don't want him to think you are pining for him and wondering if he'll ever come back, do you? Seriously? Because the truth is as the other poster told you, you WILL heal from all this in time, and if there is to be any chance at all of him coming back in the next few months, it will be much better if he sees that you are getting out and about and having a good, happy life without him. If men (or women) think their partner is going to blow up on them when something unpleasant happens, and go on and on about it, well, nobody likes it.
I too have gotten angry in past relationships and refused to let go.......we all have to learn how to relate to one another. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nikki866 +, writes (17 April 2007):
Nikki866 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGEEZ I EMAILED HIM. I felt so terrible about the way it was left between us. Please, no flames for me. I know it was weak, but at least read what I wrote before chastising me... I didn't know if he would ever initiate contact again, and I loved him a lot. If there had to be a goodbye, I wanted to do it right. So I emailed him. Here is what I just sent:
I came across this old email from last year today. (it was an email I found where he was telling me did not want to lose me and knew he was making a mistake walking away from me....but was confused, etc.)
We've gone through this for a long time. If you forget everything else about me, remember that I love you, and that I want the best for you. My anger's subsided. Now I just feel ashamed that I didn't handle the other night with the maturity and grace I know I'm capable of. I should have handled everything a lot differently. But the anger's gone and is replaced by wanting to know you're happy. it's always boiled down to that for me. I hate thinking you're there and we left things on a **** note. i miss your smile. and i guess i miss laughing with you and all of our private jokes and things we did together. you were my best friend
and nothing's going to change that. I understand everything now... what you're feeling and going through, and I won't contact you again. Please don't think it's not that I don't care, but it's cuz I think you need time. I'll vanish and fade out. If there's ever going to be contact again, it should be your ball...maybe i'll see you at pokersometime though I don't know when i'll ever really get there... or at one of the hang outs...i wish i'd really listened when you told me things were getting too serious, because i would have focused on having more fun with you and put a hell of a lot less pressure on you. i should have listened when you said you should live at the villa and we could date.... i think it could have been a lot of fun after all... some of our best times were there. If I'd listened I'd still have my best friend.
If there's someone new, enjoy her and be good to her. If it's joyce, do
your best. But most of all, be true to yourself. I always said, do what's right for you. You can't go wrong that way. There's nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you and caring about you. I always told you I loved you unconditionally, and I truly meant
it. Go explore a little. Find what you're missing, and make every day count. i hope everything works out for you just the way you want. I know you'll figure everything out in your own time. All my best forever.
Thoughts on this email? Was it awful? I tried to be mature and caring, as I had been throughout the relationship. NOW I WILL SIT BACK and see if perhaps he will miss me.... time now will tell.
...............................
A
female
reader, trueheartconfused  +, writes (16 April 2007):
Hi ;
You will get over him, yes you will. Because many people
have done it , you can too.
Don't call him, don't act like you can not live without
him, sure you will miss him , but you will find someone
some day who is right for you and treats you like a queen.
The fact he is not calling you is actually a good thing,
you can not start healing without distance, don't call him
or see him, promise yourself that .
Please remember this, your love is precious , don't give
it to someone undeserving.
good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): First, let me say I'm sorry to hear how hurt and upset you are. I agree, he shouldn't have lied to you about the cell phone.
I notice you said you feel bored with him not being around. You REALLY, seriously need to find other activities to do and other friends, maybe some of your women friends, to be with! Any man or woman who gives the impression he/she is relying on his/her signficant other for their social life, is not very appealing!
Secondly, all this drama! I'm sure he does in fact feel badly about not seeing you any more, and does care. BUT being bugged to the extent he is, is very hard to take!
Look: you sent him that email and told him you were not going to bother him again. But then you called him twice more. It doesn't really matter that he didn't pick up because if he has caller ID he would know you had phoned. You proved his point, you know.
Clearly if he has left you THREE times in only six months, there is serious trouble in your relationship!
I don't know, but possibly the two of you don't have a lot in common, and are not well-matched. That happens. But all the drama and cross-examining him doesn't help. Its detrimental, in fact. NOBODY, but nobody, likes to be around a person who is that obsessed. Scares the hell outta them - and rightly so, sorry to say!
Try to think of other things now, and do whatever it takes to get your mind off him. See what you can learn from all this and work on ways to relate better. IF he eventually does come back, and you have done your "homework" (maybe seeing a counsellor to assist with it) you will genuinely be more relaxed and easier to be around. IF HE DOES NOT come back, then you'll STILL be in a stronger position next time you meet someone, to have a good relationship!
In any event, don't try to remain "friends" if its over. Staying friends with an ex (though if a child is involved, there must of necessity be some contact) is generally not a good idea, because neither of you are really free to heal and move on with your lives.
Again, so sorry for all your pain.
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