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female
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*issElle
writes: I met my boyfriend in MD. Within 2 months time span we fell in love and he separated from the military and moved himself and I to where his family lives in AZ. Everything was perfect as we were trying to start a new life for ourselves. We've been here for about 6 months. Things have changed drastically. He now is very depressed because of job searching with no luck and failing in online college classes. He blames his life now soley on me. He puts his hands on me more often every day and in front of his 6 year old son he had from a previous marriage. He constantly calls me derrogitory names and want control of all of the finances even though I bring in more money then he does - he puts it all in his bank account..witch i have no access to. He has changed into not only a bad boyfriend but a truly evil person. He says he is really depressed so I want to get him help but then, when we fight he says that this is how he is now so i have to "deal with it" or go back to MD. This is not the guy that I met and moved here with. Please, I need an outsider's non-prejudice view of our problem.
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female
reader, xLEAHx  +, writes (18 October 2006):
 I seriously think this guy needs help..and if he doesn't want it ..then you must get out of the relationship,although you love him his not the same guy you fell in love with ,tell him you will support him if he wants help ,but if he doesn't your stuck in a rut in an abusive violent relationship which can lead to serious issues if not dealt with.
A
female
reader, Acaringear +, writes (18 October 2006):
Ok, whats happened here is that he has become controlling.
And believe you me - i Know about controlling men.
You are now living somewhere else where you probably do not have support and probably feel isolated as its just his family around. I am also in that situation. Without support and if you are vulnerable it can sometimes be easy to become dependant upon somebody and controlled if you have the wrong person in your life. So do not blame yourself whatever happens. You do not have any support. You have allowed him to take control of the finances, even though you earn more. This guy obviously wants the control. I can understand depression can come on when you are job searching and times are hard and depression can be a horrible thing. I have been in that situation to - but I ended up with somebody controlling me. I say he is totally in the wrong. His threat for you to just leave and go back to MD makes you feel vulnerable and its very uncaring. It is difficult with limited information but.. I would suggest straight away that you need control over your finances the relationship cannot continue if you do not. That is absolute control. Regain that control. IF he will not let you - you need to leave even though it is very hard.. I am in a similar situation. Ok.. then we have the question of his depression and the way he deals with it. If it is his depression that makes him this way - he needs to get help as it is just getting worse. He obviously has some serious self esteem issues and is trying to get some control. He needs to seek help or understand that life is tough for him at the moment and you will help him through it but you will not be controlled. I am not sure what you mean by puts his hands on you in front of this boy.. do you mean in a sexual way or violent way?
I think the things you need to consider are:
You must have control over your finances and equality over the house etc.
You need respect and kindness
You can help him if he is going through a hard time but not if the above are not in place.
You need to ensure this but also think about ways to leave if this is not going to happen.
Do you want to go back to MD?
Can you stay where you are and just move out?
You are lucky you do have the earning power..
You are strong and need to regain control over your finances.
You need to tell him this. If his answer is to move to MD then you must move out and rent a place and stay there until you chose to move to MD if you want.
Be strong and do not take this from him.
I know things are hard.. I am in the process of leaving my boyfriend.. the circumstances are different but there are similarities.
Tell him straight .. regain your money control.. and start on the other things or you will leave.
You have options.
Take Care
xx
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