A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I posted this on another thread. I was replying to someone else who had posted about their problem, and I thought I would start a thread about my own problem. I'm not sure what to do about this situation with him, and I would appreciate some advice.My boyfriend has Bipolar Disorder. I have been with him for 2 and a half years. Some people wonder how I have stayed with him that long. I don't know if we will stay together. He is being evicted from his home next week because he didn't pay for the meter in his house, and his house is in a bad condition. It is a rented property. There might be other reasons for his eviction too. I'm not sure if he has told me the whole story. He used to disturb his neighbours too by getting drunk and making too much noise. He is on medication now, but I'm not sure if he is taking it in the right way. I'm very worried about him at the moment. The night before last, he couldn't sleep ,and he said he drank some alcohol to try and get him to sleep. Yesterday morning, he took a double dose of his medication. I was at his house yesterday, and he was asleep pretty much all of the time that I was there. He said he didn't feel well. I left, but I wish I hadn't now, as I haven't heard from him since then yet. I have tried to help him find another place during the last couple of weeks, as he still hadn't found somewhere.However, he isn't making any effort to find another place close to me. We live close to each other at the moment. I have no idea what he is going to do when he gets evicted. It seems like he wants to be homeless. It isn't an option for him to stay with me, as I live with some family members at the moment and they don't even let him visit here, so they wouldn't let him live here. They are frightened by his Bipolar Disorder. There have been times when he has been embarrassing in public, and there were times when he would go for up to a week without seeing me or contacting me much. He has even missed appointments with people who were going to help him find a new place. The people who arranged those appointments were very annoyed with him for that. I sometimes wonder if I could have done more to help him. Maybe if I had helped him get his house in a better condition, or if I had gone to appointments with him , he wouldn't be being evicted. Also, if I had my own place, he could have stayed with me. He did tell me that the tenancy was up though too. I don't want to feel more like his care worker than his girlfriend.
View related questions:
drunk, neighbour Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 May 2014):
 OP, I'm sorry you are entwined in this mess with your boyfriend but
a. it's NOT your fault
b. YOU CAN'T FIX IT.
whether he is improperly medicated bi-polar who is using drugs and alcohol to self-medicate or he's an alcoholic does not matter...
what matters is, he's not under control and YOU CAN'T FIX him or help him.
YOU can't fix this. you need to let him find his own way. I know this is painful for you to hear but in the long run it's best for you.
IF he just started on meds, it can take months to get them straight and at the right dose...encourage him to work closer with the true care providers to gain help.
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (4 May 2014):
 "I worry that when he becomes homeless, he will end up In a bad way again." Sorry OP but he is already at that point. Big time!"Is there something I could have done to stop (him being evicted)?" Sure - you could have paid a fortune you haven't got to ensure his rent and bills were paid, you could have had all the stress and hassle of looking for a new place for him while he sits back and doesn't give a shit, you could go round ever day like a free maid/housekeeper and cleaned up after him and you could have kept on going round his neighbours house apologizing for the loud noise and disruption claiming it was you not your BF who was drunk and disorderly to stop them blaming him. Sorry OP but you need to stop beating yourself up over this. You're still quite young. You don't need all this at your age and, with the greatest of respect, its clear from your posts that you are not dealing with this well at all. Why, oh why, would a young woman like you, a caring, intelligent, kind person, want to have a relationship with a homeless addict, who lives in a tent? You have done so much and more to help him already, as have other people, and he has let you and them down, to the point of throwing it back in your face! Plus the fact so many homeless people go on to develop HIV infections, Hepatitis, drink and drug problems and further mental illness as well as becoming unclean as a result of there situation. I am not stereotyping homeless people, just being realistic. YES its an illness that in some ways is beyond his control, but so is having a drink and drug addiction, depression, anorexia, and so forth. Sadly a person suffering from any of those kind of problems can be very self destructive to both themselves and to those who care most about them. I had a GF who had an eating disorder. I loved her so much and wanted to be the one to "save" her...I needed saving from myself as her behaviour left me scarred, hurt, almost suicidal and lacking any self worth! It wasnt her fault, but it isn't about fault or blame...its about taking responsibility. Until your BF takes full responsibility and gets himself sorted out there is no way on this earth you can have any kind of relationship with this man. You are his carer, his cleaner, his apologizer and his excuse maker. Sorry to be blunt but there you go.During my relationship with a very self destructive person I lost all sight of reality. Sadly I think you have done the same. I'm saying this to HELP you not make you feel worse. You need to think about the reality of this situation. "I'm feeling so anxious about the day he gets evicted. He doesn't even seem worried about it." That's the problem with people suffering from these kind of issues. My brother once had an addiction to buying spending to the point where he ran up tens of thousands of pounds of debt. He wasn't in the slightest bit bothered. My dad had the baliffs banging on the door, had to find the money to bail him out, had all the stress and worry while my brother sat there arrogantly saying "How much were your trousers dad? Ha £30! mine were £250!!!" In the end my dad had a heart attack partly due to the stress. My brother laughed when we told him.Im not suggesting for one moment that people suffering from Bipolar or any other mental health problem or emotional issue should not be loved, cared for or supported. Far from it. BUT when you have a young woman, clearly very confused, hurt and unable to cope with a partner who is about to become homeless, wont accept help and probably has drink or drug addictions as well as other demons, the best advice is for the OP to leave this man. The OP can offer this guy all the love, support, understanding, patience and so on a woman could possibly give but, as I said in my earlier reply, if he cant love or respect himself, how can he return love and respect to the OP?
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 May 2014):
 You're blaming yourself for his illness. This is something you can't do to yourself. It's not your fault he's suffering from bipolar disorder. None of this is your fault. You're both grown adults. There's nothing you can do to make a grown man do something he doesn't want to do.
You have to learn to separate yourself from his illness. My partner suffers from depression, PTSD, as well as panic disorder. She's the coolest girl I know and I love her more than anything. But sometimes, she won't get herself out of bed for days at a time or she will miss work or not fulfill some of her responsibilities because of her illness. I've learned that there's nothing I can do to help her during these episodes. I've tried. I just have to let out run it's course. Now I just simply suggest she do certain things, but when she doesn't do them, I just separate from it all. I can't make her listen. And it doesn't change anything anyway. Eventually she will come out of it and she will straighten herself out. It's just the nature of mental illness. During these times, I just focus on me. I focus ony studies, spend time with my friends, work out, etc.
Being knowledgeable about his illness and what's going on and what causes these responses can help you to know how to handle them properly. For me, knowing that when she isolates and withdraws from the world isnt my fault and has nothing to do with me has helped me tremendously. I just realize that she's just in one of her episodes and I know how to handle it. She can't help that she's feeling the way she is. It's beyond her control.
Anyway, once again, if you feel it's too much for you to deal with and it's dragging you down, it's time to leave. For me, my partner and I have a very happy and healthy relationship. Her mental health issues don't affect us anymore. They did when I didn't know how to handle them or how to respond to them. But we've grown so much together and are very healthy now. But it takes a LOT of work.
You must stop blaming yourself. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): Sounds like your boyfriend is a drunk , being bipolar dose not make you a drunk . I think it's unfair to lump All Bipolar people into one category . Bipolar people are people too and are all affected differently you don't need to fear them for having an illness however when someone becomes violent from drinking sounds like he is self medicating I can see where you would get scared. I would suggest you tell him to get help for himself and his alcohol problem if he dose not then You need to decide if you want to move on and do what's best for you but please don't stereotype Bipolar people . I am bipolar and not a drunk , I take care of myself , take meds and with a healthy lifestyle and a Doctors care so can he . FYI some people have it worse than others just like any illness and another thing just because someone is bipolar should not give them an excuse to act bad we know right from wrong a Bipolar person could just be a bad person on top of that as well . NO stereotypes pease
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): Thanks for your replies. I'm even blaming myself for him being evicted .Is there something I could have done to stop this ?. I'm so upset, because he has only recently started taking medication, and it is good that he is doing that. But, I worry that when he becomes homeless, he will end up In a bad way again. He said he might live in a tent in some woods that are close to where we both live for a while ( he has lived in a tent before when he has been homeless. He doesn't think it is a good idea for him to go into shared accommodation, because of his illness. He could also stay with some friends. However, I also worry about that, because his friends that he could stay with drink a lot and take drugs. They are the only people he could stay with. I'm not sure if he could stay with his family. I think even his own family don't like him being around too much because of his illness. It's very sad really. My heart breaks for him.His friends and family don't live in this area, so we might not be able to see each other that much if he goes to stay with them. I'm feeling so anxious about the day he gets evicted. He doesn't even seem worried about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (3 May 2014):
The fact that your family are scared by his Bipolar should really tell you all you need to know about your boyfriends problem. If they are frightened, there must be good reason. You should be concerned of the danger you are pointing yourself in.
If he becomes homeless then what? Will you have a relationship with a man of no fixed abode, who wont have access to fresh water and a bath/shower and possible, if he hasn't already, turn to drink and drug abuse as so many homeless people do?
This guy cannot truly love you as he is not capable of loving himself. You deserve so much better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (3 May 2014):
 It sounds like your boyfriend needs an intervention and he needs to be hospitalized. A friend of mine had to do this several times with her boyfriend who is bipolar. When he was acting out of sorts to the point where he could not function, she would call the police to accompany her when she visited him. She also arranged for an ambulance to be at the scene ready to take him to the hospital. The police were there to ensure that he did not harm anyone, including himself, and to make sure he got on the ambulance. He was then admitted to the emergency, where he went through the triage process. Then he was admitted to the psychiactric ward. He stayed there for a period of one or two weeks, until the proper dosage kicked in, and he was able to function normally.
You should contact his family to alert them about what is going on, and you need to go see if he is OK. You should not do this alone. Make sure someone is with you for protection. The last time my girlfriend had to do an intervention, he had all the doors and windows open and it was the middle of winter. He was also taking all his stuff and throwing them out on the front lawn.
He is much better now and does not remember these episodes, and he's actually managing himself well. He has not been to the hospital in over 3 years.
My girlfriend broke up with him, even though she loved him. She just could not handle this type of relationship anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 May 2014):
Believe me, I can completely relate. Being with someone suffering, unmedicated, with a mental disorder such as bipolar, is extremely tough for both parties. He's suffering, too.
It sounds like he's in the depressed stage at the moment, where he's sleeping a lot and doesn't care about anything. Which most likely explains why he didn't bother to go to those appointments. During these times, it's so hard. I understand. Believe me, I do.
The thing is, there is nothing else you can do. You can't force him to go to the appointments or take care of himself. You can't force him to do anything. It's up to him. So try not to blame yourself for anything. None of this is your fault.
As for feeling like a caregiver, you are. In a sense. It's more like a supporter/sufferer scenario. When he's going through his ups, you're right there with him, but when he's going through his downs, you're right there, also. And you have to learn enough about the illness in order to fully be able to pull yourself through the downs and the mood changes in order to function as a couple properly. You have to keep in mind it's not him. It's his illness.
You have to be in the right frame of mind to do this. So you have to look at your relationship from the perspective of "he's ill and these are his symptoms and this is why he's behaving the way he is." Not from the "a normal person doesn't behave this way, and I wish he would just behave differently." You have to come at it from the realistic perspective. Things most likely aren't going to change much and these symptoms will probably always be around to some degree. And can you learn to deal with them and work with them in order to make your relationship work? And during the hard times, can you rember that it's his illnesses fault, not his?
If you feel this is NOT something you are prepared to do, you definitely need to get out now. Because it's only going to get worse with time. You may become extremely resentful. If you do wash to stay, try reading books or internet sites on the best ways to be a supporter for a sufferer of bipolar disorder. They can help a lot.
It's a hard path to choose to take. And I get why your family and friends don't like him. They are looking at things from the "he's acting crazy, why would you put up with that?" perspective. But you understand things in a way they don't. You know him and you know all about his disorder. You know it's not all his fault. But not having family and friends support sometimes can be hard. But keep in mind, they just can't understand.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. You need to do what's best for you. If overall, the relationship brings you more stress and pain than it does good, you should leave.
Best of luck.
...............................
|
