A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met and fell in love with someone who I thought was a wonderful man. He came from an interesting family - his dad lives in another state than his mom (everyone thinks he lives a double life), but my man SEEMED to have a good head on his shoulders anyway. Initially, we lived about 2 1/2 hours away from each other, so we could only see each other on weekends. But right off the bat, he was very serious. Talking of a future together, how he wanted to find that someone to get married, kids, etc. After about 6 months together, he asked me if I'd want to move in with him when my lease was up. I agreed - after all at this point we were head over heels in love, spending every weekend together, holidays with both famimlies, etc. Well, instead of our original plan of moving somewhere between our jobs, he got a job in a new state. I was really upset at this idea at first because I had already subletted my old place. He didn't think it was a big deal for him to change our plans like and when I told him he had made a commitment to me already, he thought I was talking crazy like we were married or something - which we had discussed because I wanted to know this was going somewhere before moving in. Needless to say, I decided to move with him; it was bringing us closer to our families, so I was okay with moving "back home". So, after a year of dating, we moved to a new state together in Oct. 2006. I thought it was great at first. But, after only 2 months of living together, he all of a sudden told me he didn't want to celebrate Xmas with me. It was bizarre, we had celebrated the holidays when we did NOT live together, why would it change now? I was very upset at this and his reason was "it's not like we're married?!" (again even tho we had talked about that). We came to a compromise and that was that.A couple months after that I could tell he really wasn't happy - so I asked him if he was okay. He admitted to just not being happy, but told me it wasn't me. However, one night he told me he wanted to break up. It was random, totally out of the blue, and so I asked him point blank "do you love me?" he said yes. SO I asked him why would he want to break up with me? I asked him what he was afraid of or what was on his mind and he said the future. I told him not to worry about that until we get there! So...we continued.Then, he got randomly really sick. He had no symptoms, and then woke up one day deathly ill. I took him to the dr and they had to give him an IV cause he was so dehydrated (which is so bizarre cause all he drinks is water). A month or so after that I ould tell he was still really unhappy - in fact, he was depressed. This time he said he thought it was us. Truthfully, I told him I wasn't happy either. He had been SO emotionally distant for so long, I had no idea if he was happy / sad / having fun / bad day at work / etc. Every day was a guessing game for me and I was getting tired of playing.He started distancing himself but really gave me no explanation of things. He went on a couple of business trips and both times when I called he wouldn't answer. Granted he could have been busy, but I know for a fact one of the times he was just out drinking at a bar with perfect strangers that he met on the trip. So, we got into a big fight and I told him I just wanted to be a priorty in his life - he told me he doens't have any priorities. He also told me that I was too dramatic and everything was a big deal to me - like the time I asked him to come to the hospital with me when my dad was in the ER (apparently, he felt there was no reason for him to be there). I was crushed.But, we continued on. Finally, he aksed for a week break, but he told me he loved me and that he'd want me back at the end of the week - well week came and went and at the end all I got was "I can't do it" "i'm not ready". I was CRUSHED. He played mind games for awhile after that night, telling me how he thought we'd break up but still get married one day (although I later found out he told an ex-girlfriend of his how he didn't think we'd ever get back together). Anyway, he moved out, but only himself, he kept ALL of his stuff there for a month. Finally, I made him move out, then for a month after that, he kept calling/texting/coming by - it was brutal and finally ended in a bad drunken fight.We didn't have much contact after that, sans the closing of the apartment we once shared. A month after that was done and about 2 months after we had really stopped talking, I had to get in touch with him regarding our security deposit. He was SO mean and SO difficult about it! In fact, he was downright BITTER - he wanted to charge me for EVERY dinner he had ever bought me!!?!?! It's been 2 weeks of annoying hell trying to sort out those finances (i feel like I've gone through a divorce). In the process of doing so, I have found out that he's talked about me behind my back - calling me "an effin' piece of work" "unreal" "snobby" "irresponsible" (although I have no idea how, esp. seeing as I was the one who did all the work for the closing of the apartment) etc. etc. it all hurts so bad (why be with someone for so long that you don't respect as a person in that case?!Finally, all I needed was one last email from him waiving the remainder of our security deposit money to me (it was all mine at this point). I asked him to copy me on the email - well he sent it but didn't copy me on it. SO I called him and asked if he could forward it to me - he refused. Firstly, I am REALLY confused as to what happened?!?! Many people say "commitmentphobe" I am not sure if I even think that exists - but after reading up on them, I have to say he eerily fits the descriptions.Secondly, if he is the one who broke up with me, why is he so bitter? I mean, why talk about me behind my back? and why after so long refuse to be a man and just get the last of our ties done with? It's like he wants to keep hurting me and hurting me...Lastly, how do I move on? It's been months and many many mean things that he's done to me, and I can't seem to hate him or move on . . . HELP!!!
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at work, broke up, crush, depressed, divorce, drunk, ex girlfriend, fell in love, get back together, money, move on, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 December 2007):
 What happened in the relatinship? You may never know. He may never know. The issue is his. He seems to be in a downward spiral-don't let yourself get tangled up in his problem. I think he is truely depressed and has decided to take things out on you. He isn't acting rationally-in fact his behavior is passive agressive-another indicator of mental instability. Perhaps he still has feelings for you and is just trying to convince himself he made a good decision by talking you down. You may never know why. But you don't need to know why either. He will bring you no happiness. Consider yourself lucky to get out of this relationship.
It sounds like you have a financial issue to resolve and then you are free of him. Move and change your number and don't let him know where you are. I don't think it is committment phobia, I think there are some underlying mental issues he has to deal with. I hope he is doing that. Thank your lucky stars and don't look back.
A
male
reader, auvi  +, writes (2 December 2007):
it is a bit complected. he wanted or love you deeply but i guess he moved in with you a bit early. so after moving in he started to freak out. probably wasnot sure if he wanted to get married, but staying with you under the same roof made him feel more like a married couple. which sort of scared him even more.
do quickly forget him, try to drool over the bad memories of later lives... hatred is a good eraser.
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