A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How appropriate is it for a man who is divorced for 5 years to go round to his ex's house to fix the cooker/replace a fuse/figure out why her car won't start when he is in a new relationship? She isn't seeing anyone and they have 1 child so obviously there must be contact but I think that's going to far or have I got it wrong? She can call the plumber/handyman/garage like I do - what does she want my boyfriend to sort out that stuff for? He won't stand up for himself because he's afraid she will make things difficult between him and his child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): I can't see a problem, it costs a fortune to have these jobs done by a professional and it is his childs home.
What he could do,IF he wanted to is show her how to do the jobs herself. However it would mean he wouldn't see his child as much as he misses that extra opportunity when he pops to do the jobs.I know men that do this for years because of the children and the mother of their children. She will probably meet somebody one day and they will take over the jobs.
If he did this before you met then its not because he's dating that she's calling him. Have you talked about it?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): You know what, after giving this some thought I can actually see the reason in it. I was initially inclined to agree with you and still do think *she* should try to rely on him less. But, if she does ask... he is the father of her child. The instances you have described affect, if indirectly, the well being of the child. She needs a car to take the kid to school and/or the doctor; loss of power to the house puts his child in the dark as well as her, etc. I cannot see a good father refusing to do these things if she has no one else. You didn't mention her financial situation, but if she is not well off then asking your boyfriend, who was FIRST her husband and the father of her child, is a valid resource in my opinion. I know it's not easy to accept, but imagine being the kid and being told or simply believing that his/her father didn't care enough to help. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 December 2011):
 Not appropriate.. maybe in the beginning when they were first divorced, she might have not know who else to call because she was used to him doing these things. But after 5years it's time she moved on and sorted out some workmen or took up DIY. Of course she can call him sometimes if she has difficulties with her house. If the house falls down or is unsafe, it puts the child in danger. But her ex shouldn't be her first call, she should only ask him in an emergency. She's too dependant on this man, when she should be dependent on herself and building a life where she uses her own resources.If your having trouble, best to argue it this way. Point out that she's the one who suffers most because she won't be learning the necessary skills to cope on her own, and she won't be able to build a relationship with a man if she's always calling up her ex-husband. He is standing in the way of her finally finding love, romance and a proper builder.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (13 December 2011):
 hmmmm
perhaps there are other reasons she calls your boyfriend.
As they have children together naturally he has a responsibility to help ensure that their child grows up in a safe, warm home.
If she calls a handyman/plumber etc every time something needs fixing then perhaps the alimony/maintenance may increase (or simply that it would be spent on the household maintenance and thereby the child doesnt benefit as much as he does now).
I dont know if this is the case but its a possibility that hasnt been mentioned yet.
If its purely because she is taking advantage, then no its not appropriate. However the only person who can change this is your boyfriend. Have you spoken to him about this? What did he say?
If he is afraid of losing contact with the child, then there are laws out there to protect a fathers rights to contact. I find it absoloutly unforgivable when women use their children as weapons.
Sorry I cant be more help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): It is NOT appropriate by any means.
How I was rasied, my Mom and Dad had a family/marriage rule that we not be alone with opposite sex. It was a numbers rule. This was to prevent gossip, drama, and even a possible temptuous situation. As I was older; I totally appreciated the wisdom.
I had the same issue with my EX and his Ex Wife. Well, she made it clear that he had to choose between Me or Her. In the long run, he chose me. YEP, she turned his sons against him.
So I can see his fear. Its a controlling/abusive dynamic. He may also be a bit of a people pleaser which My Ex was/is.
http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/
I'm going to suggest Counselling so you can vent your concerrns, then with a counsellor, you and BF can come up with a plan, also talk to a lawywer to know what His rights are in regards to access/custody/visitation.
Some sort of legal document should be in order so his rights can be enforced. So she cannot USE child against him.
If she does, counselling to combat the effects of the emotional abuse.
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