A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My current situation is that I live with my boyfriend and my son from my previous relationship. He is great with my son and we get along really well the only thing that is bothering me is that he seems to think time with my son and me is our time together. I keep telling him no its family time not me and you time like to have sex or to just cuddle. I just have been feeling really unappreciated I just want to know if many mothers go through this type of thing. Its like we do everything around the house and get nothing in return.he goes to gymnastic training every monday and wednesday nights from 7:30 til 10pm and on the other weekdays he feels to tired and on fridays he goes body boarding and just complains he doesn't get his time and why am I being so clingy. And I also recently found out he has been watching porn which really bothers me because I have told him repeatedly that I do not like it and its my deal breaker. We have sex about 5 times a week so why keep doing it if your gf hates it. I just feel very unappreciated and im feeling sad about it everyday now. How can I get him to listen because he just wont talk to me. He has just become so self centred and im sick of crying every night. He has not even tried to compromise and I dont know what to do. I just want to know how I could deal with it. And if I break up with him how it will affect my son. They hav a close relationship after us living together for 6 months. What should I do? I really do love him tho which is why it hurts so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): You have sex 5 times a week? Consider yourself lucky :)Most females complain they get none, and here you have it good and don't realise it.Another bonus - he accepts and gets along with your son! That is huge!!!If your only real problem is private time alone to feel appreciated, schedule it. Get a family member or friend to look after your son, while you go to dinner and talk, or a walk, or movies, or whatever he likes to do so that he also looks forward to it.We heard what HE likes to do, what about you? What are your interests and hobbies? You must pursue those too, don't lose your identity! Not just mothers, but most woman probably feel the same: we pick up after them with their clothes; we sort, we organise, we clean, we dust, we vacuum, we do the dishes, we organise the meals, and sometimes, we even take out the garbage. Then we wonder, heck, why am I here? Sometimes, that is the disadvantage of being with a MAN ;-) however, the positive far outweighs the negative. We have a partner, we're a team, we have fun, we enjoy time together, and we know someone has our back. When your man goes to gymnastics - great! It means he has interests, he doesn't sit in front of the tv doing nothing. He is looking after himself, that is also good. Give him his freedom, and you will get better results! Instead of resenting him, encourage and support him. He in turn will be happier and will WANT to be with you, rather than because he HAS to. See the difference?Porn is a matter of morals, if you really can't abide it and it's a deal breaker, then you should have left when you first discovered it. However, I would only resent porn if my man didn't cater to my needs, but your man does! He probably gets inspiration from it to keep the flame alive, so you are "lucky" I'm sorry it may not seem like it, but as someone whose man has not given her anything in MONTHS, you are LUCKY! ;-)Try the outtings, seek quality time together, and if it doesn't change, let him know how you feel without accusing or threatening or crying. Just share with him, as his best friend, how hurt you feel, or frustrated. Remember to be grateful for many things too though! He sounds like a good guy, with interests, and with a big enough heart to accept your son and have a good relationship with him. Now you just need to work on the TWO of you - that is "easy". REMIND him why he is with you. Wink Wink. Get at least one night a week ALONE at home! Dress up, when he gets home, SURPRISE him, if you know what I mean. He will be eager and start coming home excited and want to be with you. Read the news, watch world events, so you can share interesting things with him, not just complaints, nagging and sad.You love him, so make it work, for YOU and for HIM, and your son. If none of the advice on here helps, seek counselling. You don't need to break up - nothing you have shared is that bad. You just need to feel appreciated again, and that can be remedied. Don't try to change him - change how you react, how you live. You are a good mother and girlfriend, now go and show it.
A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (11 November 2013):
"I also recently found out he has been watching porn which really bothers me because I have told him repeatedly that I do not like it and its my deal breaker."You have sex with your boyfriend 5 times a week, where does he even find the time to watch porn anyway. Is that when you are in the house? I don't agree with porn in a relationship either but porn when a girlfriend is in the house is bad by anyones standards.Does he compliment you? Does he make the first move?
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (11 November 2013):
You can't fault him for having a life, he's not doing anything wrong.
And, janniepeg is spot on with the porn thing. If it was a deal breaker you would have dumped him. It's probably very difficult to find a guy who doesn't watch porn, and, unfortunately, most of them won't admit to it.
He called you clingy, and that's what I'm noticing too. Forcing someone to stop doing things they love in order to spend more time with you is just not a good idea.
Instead of nagging him, you should plan date nights. Get a babysitter and spend some quality time together. This is good for most relationships, and would probably help you a lot.
The bottom line is this: you say he's a good guy and I don't see anything wrong with what he's doing. So it comes down to compatibility. Are you going to leave him because of it, or accept who he is? Nagging him and being upset isn't an option.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): I didn't actually read the whole question.
I just know, from experience, that if you're crying everyday, your relationship is not a good/healthy one.
If I was you, I would leave. That's what I did and I'm much better off now.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 November 2013):
 The title makes me very concerned but after reading this I don't think it's that troubled. I think you have a good relationship and your boyfriend is committed. While I understand you can't change your feelings maybe if you see that others have it worse, your mind can make some adjustment?
You had said that porn is a deal breaker but you still stayed. Maybe because you know that most men watch them and you can't just dump one after another? It gets very tiring isn't it? Porn can be a way men hide in his own space without having to leave home. He is seeing that you are taking away his space and controlling what he does when he is alone. Porn has nothing to do with your attractiveness or how much he loves you. He could as well be playing poker online and it's the same destressing effect.
Maybe the sex that you are having isn't as magical and fireworks as before, and it is serving him only because you didn't get enough foreplay? He didn't tell you how special you are? He didn't treat you to dinner? There is something missing in the relationship and that is appreciation. How would you like him to appreciate you? Can you accept that even though he is watching porn, even though he doesn't say it in words, he does appreciate you?
I think you are upset because you see that porn is his reward after a long day, and not you. When you cry it only makes him want to get away more. Also if you can understand the fundamental difference between men and women it might help. When men feel stressed out they need to disconnect and connect at a later time. But for women they want to talk it over and feel better. Of course there are sissy men and they are cold women but that's the basic incompatibility between men and women. Instead of forcing your men to become more emotional you just work around the differences.
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