A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I was hoping that someone may have some advice for me here as I have not been able to find much anywhere else. I met a guy last week at a friend's party. I thought he was cute, so I approached him and started talking. He seemed caught off guard, but was very friendly and seemed interested in me as well. We exchanged numbers before leaving and agreed to hang out again. We ended up meeting up the next night and got along really well, although I did feel there was something a little "off." Regardless, he seemed happy and interested and so was I, so I didn't think much about it. We had discussed previously that I am a therapist working with children with autism. Anyway, later we got to kissing and cuddling, and he told me that he has Asperger's syndrome. Suddenly it made sense to me, why things felt a little stiff, but it did not bother me, and I'm glad that he told me right away. I am just a little curious about a few things: Is he interested in me because he knows I am a psychology student? and is that good or bad? In other words, I can see how he would desire someone who understands how he thinks, but I do not want to end up in some kind of weird therapist/girlfriend role. Also, I would like to stike a balance between using my knowledge of the syndrome to our advantage, without over-doing it and making it a huge focus, as to be offensive to him. I do know what the characteristics are, but I have never met or worked with anyone with it. However, I do have experience with high-functioning children with autism and others with more severe forms. Hopefully someone out there has Asperger's or has dated someone with it and can give some advice? Thanks.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 December 2010):
 It sounds like you are already on the right track with how you view these disorders, maybe others who are in school or newly graduated will be as well, then we can see the results from this new paradigm as the old washes away :) Take care
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are so right, there is much we can learn from knowing people with a different perception of the world than ourselves. I too find it frustrating that people tend to think of autism (and MANY other "disorders") as such a terrible "disability" when many of these people also have many advantages intellectually and it is more of a difference rather than something that should be looked down on. The kids I work with CAN learn and WANT to learn like other kids they just do it in a different way than we do, and sometimes it just takes some time and creativity. The trouble is that the world was made by and for the majority, and that is why they have a hard time fitting in.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 December 2010):
Your right about them not picking up on emotions, just as many autistic kids often do not have the ability to carry or allow negative experience or karma attach to their sense of being. I will say that between the two, there are qualities that both hold that most people don't, but would be forever grateful to have the ability to. I've been around autistic kids, and I find it's hard to be in a bad mood when they're always smiling at you and in good moods. lol I bring that up because it's sad how they are labeled to be so different, but there is really a lot we can learn by their way of being.
If sounds like in the way you both are you may be perfectly fitted together. With how busy you are, and independent, you can be with someone who compliments your schedule without being overly needy or dependent.
Let me reiterate one thing. I have found it's not that they don't care about emotion, it's that they don't see the need in attaching themselves to what we'd consider human emotions. This does not mean he can't fall in love, or think about how amazing it is that you are his girl. It's as if they don't have the the ability to become attached to emotions that "can" lead to negative perceptions or results. As I said, most of us who have gone through breakups and pain from relationships wish we had that ability.
Take care, and I hope you two have a wonderful relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): I have dated a couple of people with Asperger's syndrome before. I believe it depends on how severe the syndrome is for each individual, and how it personally affects them. The second guy I dated with Asperger's, he was lovely, very caring and warm. He did have certain "rituals" though. For example, he had to use a certain fork to eat, and he would become distressed if he couldn't eat with that fork. He also sometimes had difficulty in knowing what was appropriate in certain situations. So he might have walked straight in front of everyone else in a queue, not thinking he would have to wait. Or he might start talking about sex in front of a crowd of people.
But on the whole, I found him to be a rather normal guy, only with a few quirks. Like I said though, I think it depends on the individual person themselves, and exactly how the syndrome affects them. My advice would be to ask him more about it, ask him how it affects him. If he wants to know why you are asking, just tell him you would like to understand better. Most people would be happy if someone tried to understand better. Hear it from him. Yes, you could read books and find out information about various conditions and syndromes. But I think it is better to ask the individual themselves. We are all different, and sometimes statistics are wrong.
Once you have found out a bit more from him, keep it in mind, but then I would just try and stop focussing on the Asperger's and try and forget about it. Just get to know each other better, and take it from there. I have known people with Asperger's who were lovely. And I have known "normal" people who were awful and had some very bizarre behaviours. I think you have to take it individual by individual, and view each connection with someone as unique and brand new. I hope something here helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses. I would like to add that I'm not really so put off at the idea of someone who is "cold" emotionally as I have been described this way by a previous boyfriend who felt that I was somewhat lacking in this aspect. I enjoy being emotionally close, but it is not something that is extremely important to me. I think of an intellectual connection as what I prize most in a relationship, so this may be something that we can connect on. Also, I am a very independent person, and I am constantly busy with work, school, and other projects that do not allow me much time to spend with people I date anyways, so I do not feel that it would be a problem for us to often spend days at a time apart. I guess I just want to know more about what someone with Asperger's would like as a way to fascilitate communication such as how straightforward and expanatory to be about my thoughts and feelings so that they can be more easily understood. From what I understand it is not that they do not feel or care about emotions, they just don't pick up on them like typical people do. Is that correct?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 December 2010):
You told him when you were out making out with him that you are a therapist, so I doubt that's his intent in getting to know you. Your experience will allow you knowledge and by your education, patience where someone else may not have it. I haven't known many, but a couple who have Asperger's syndrome and have found them to be interesting and challenging. In a way I envy their level of intelligence and sponge like skills in retaining information. So, in a way they present an intellectual challenge, not because of being "disabled" as some label them, but by having IQ's most of us can't imagine.
I think with your field of study, having a friendship with him will not only be healthy as two adults being together, but also educational because what you may learn from who he is you may not find in your text book. I'm not saying to make him your project, but from my view as being someone with ADHD, how can someone truly know our differences unless they are experienced. So in a way I see your being together as being different from being with someone who most would consider "normal", but in a good way.
The only way this will take a therapist v. friendship direction, is if that's the direction you allow. Although there may be differences, enjoy each other as individuals as you may enjoy with anyone else you might want to get to know.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (23 December 2010):
 This is going to sound kind of harsh. But I really don't recommend dating someone with aspergers.
I dated a guy with it, and basically, he never considered my feelings, and it's not his fault, they just didn't occur to him. I wouldn't see him for weeks at a time, simply because he didn't feel like talking to me. Or there was a game he wanted to play.
If you date him, be prepared for a very cold relationship, where your feelings don't even gather a thought.
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