A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. A little back story, my boyfriend and I have been broken up for about 4 months now. The break up was a lot harder on me than him because he is the one who broke up with me, and told me he didn't feel the same about me anymore. It was harder on me because I was still in love with him and didn't expect to be dumped the way I was. I would find out after our break up that there was another woman in the picture towards the end of our relationship. This explained why he was distant and weird with me before our break up happened. It explained a lot actually. I've had a lot of time to think since we split, and I think there may have been some cheating involved, although I cannot prove this. I was aware he was talking/texting with her quite a bit, but I never witnessed anything bad. I was told she was just a friend he's been talking to from work. He contacted me a couple of nights ago in a very casual manner and had asked me how I'm doing and why I hadn't returned a previous phone call a week or so prior. He asked me why I hadn't been in touch with him at all and said he feels bad that I hate him so much for what happened. He is well aware how hurt I was about our break up. It was also during this conversation that I found out he is now in a relationship, and has been for the last couple of months.Not only was I hurt to find this out, but I thought to myself Why is he trying to get in touch with me if he has a new girlfriend?He told me he loves his new girlfriend, but that he will always love me because I was the first girl who treated him good and the first girlfriend who he truly loved. Then I thought to myself, if he still feels this way about me, why is he with someone else? Maybe he doesn't actually feel this way and said this out of pity for me? He's made it pretty clear he still wants me to be in his life/apart of his life because he still cares a lot about me. This is understandable and I feel for him, but still, he is the one who wanted to break up and he has now moved on to another woman, so what exactly would be my purpose in his life? I feel like I'm sort of being used by him in a way. He's not a jerkish type of man, he was always a nice and respectful man/boyfriend (up until the other woman incident came about and our break up) but his actions lately have been telling me other wise. It's very confusing.Please help. What do you make of this?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 March 2016):
 My thought on this “He told me he loves his new girlfriend, but that he will always love me because I was the first girl who treated him good and the first girlfriend who he truly loved.” is to say, well, that’s nice, happy to hear he’ll have fond memories of you. *sarcasm font* needed here! (not for you but for him!)
I would probably say something like this to him, just to get him to stop contacting me. “Hey, that’s great to hear that I was such a central figure in your life. The thing is, you’re now not the central figure in my life, and in fact, it’s now time for you to move on. You are with your new girlfriend and it’s frankly disrespectful to her and to me to try to maintain whatever this apologetic/wistful/nostalgic contact thing you want here.
“Here’s the deal: I’m moving on. I invite you respectfully to do the same. I wish you well, we were important to each other at one time. We are not now, we are exes and ‘friendship’ with you isn’t going to work for me.
“I wish you happiness in your future and I know you do the same for me. Bye now.”
Then block, delete, whatever you need to do.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2016):
 Block him from being able to contact you, exs cannot be friends, as it was a lot more than a friendship you both shared, and to try and be friends now would only hurt you, as you would start falling for him again. I think he contacted you to make peace with himself. It sounds like he is not ready to be in a committed relationship because I don't think he really knows what he wants himself, but sweetie don't forgive him, he will only hurt you again, he is looking after himself and he choose to end things with you and he choose to get in to another relationship. I think you have had a lucky escape.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 March 2016):
 He wants sex. Run away from him. He will use you and dump you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2016):
 My guess is he DOES feel bad for his actions (cheating, at least emotionally) and wants you to "forgive" him so he can stop feeling bad for two-timing you.
Him reaching out was NOT about you, it was about HIM.
Him wanting to be "friends" is NOT about you either, it's about HIM (again).
He thinks if you two can be friends, then what he did wasn't so bad after all. That is what he wants to know that HE is a "nice" guy no matter what HE did.
Or he simply wants to keep you as a viable "spare" in case this new GF doesn't really work out...
He might BE a decent man, but what he did to you... wasn't decent. You know it, he knows it.
It's been 4 months and you are still working on getting over it. Being "friends" with him will hold you back from really moving on, and honestly... that is what you need to do. MOVE on.
You don't OWE him friendship. You don't OWE him squat.
If I were you I'd block his number and block him on social media, so that YOU can work on moving on and letting go of him and the past.
Set yourself free. His loss.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 March 2016):
 Well, it's not up to him to decide isn't it? Sometimes you only know a man's true character once you broke up. If you keep in touch with him, your purpose in his life is to provide the wonderful feeling that he can get his cake and eat it too, the feeling that there are two women pining, and getting insecure for him. He doesn't love any woman, just the idea that he can juggle a first love and a new love at the same time.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 March 2016):
 Agood player always has a few other good players on the bench. He may not be jerkish but hes still a guy.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (13 March 2016):
When your still in love with a guy,his story would cause you to be confused.No1.But remember when he was with you in the end he was cheating on you with his present girlfriend.No2.He if given the chance by you will cheat on his present girlfriend.He seems to have to have Major problem in being faithful.Also in making his mind up on which girl he wants to be with.But no problem in hurting the girl he is with,and leaving her for another.The question is could you ever Trust him again ? Would you consider meeting a man who would treat you with love and respect.Best wishes NORA B.
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