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female
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anonymous
writes: Help!! I can't tell if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. After the most amazing six month relationship during a semester abroad, my boyfriend and I decided to try the long distance thing while I returned to the states to finish my schooling. I'm headed back in two weeks to visit and to make arrangements for me to return permanently after I graduate. I devote myself to the relationship totally, love him to death, spend all my money on phone cards (we talk every day despite the distance) and would do anything to make things work. I truly feel that his feelings are the same as mine.Here's the problem: My boyfriend has a history of getting involved in long distance relationships, then breaking things off once the girl returns and things have changed. As I recently learned, he has done this to his last two girlfriends, and was involved in a long distance relationship when he and I started dating that ended when he emailed her to tell her about me. I am petrified that everything I think I know about him is going to change when I go back; that he's going to do the same thing he did to them to me and dump me upon arrival. We've talked about it, and he has given me no reason to think that things have changed, but I've been burned pretty badly by boys before and I'm having a hard time trusting him, especially given his history and the fact he wasn't honest with me about it until now...I don't want to punish him for his past mistakes or be paranoid and self-doubting, but moving to another country for a guy is a big deal, and I don't want to take such a big risk if I'm walking into a trap...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2005): Not sure if I can help you but I do have some thoughts to share. It seems that you have become involved with someone who you really don’t know as well as you thought, and you have some big fears and concerns. You are planning to uproot your life for this man and move abroad. That's a big worry and a lot to decide about your future and I wouldn't move quite yet, if I were you.
The reason I am saying this is because you stated "you don't trust him". Trust is a core foundation of any relationship. I think the best way of talking to someone about concerns and feelings in a relationship is to use "I statements." For example: I sometimes feel I cannot trust you because… or when you say that I feel. It is never rude to talk about relationship concerns when the conversation is respectful and loving. Talk to this man more, get to the crux of his character and remember, falling in love seems to change the way people think-or not think! Many starry-eyed people say, "All that matters is that we love each other. The rest will work itself out." However, that just is not true and if you are wanting to move so far away from the love and support of your own family, he better have some assurances for you. Things don’t just work themselves out; you have to work them out, and it can be darn hard work. To make such a large life change as you are proposing-you have to trust this man with no doubts. If you have a niggling little voice in your head that says "he can't be trusted"...pleease rethink this.
I do not believe in long courtships and dating but I do believe it is important for both members of a couple to take responsibility and do their homework about each other. It appears you have done this somewhat and found out some disturbing information about him. Have you ever questioned him about these revelations and got his side of the story? This is a major long commitment so it is important to have agreement about the major issues in life. and my dear, this is a major concern. I believe a couple should talk at length with all the people who know them well and listen to the information that they receive. The love-struck are often blind.
I think you are right to want to protect yourself emotionally. You both should sit down and discuss your expectations. You both initiated something big here, and you stand the most to lose if you do move abroad.. I always think it is a good idea to try to explain what you want in a relationship, particularly with the person you hope to have the relationship! You both are in a unique situation; you have been down this path together before.
I would not worry about scaring him off. Frankly, if discussing "what are we doing and where are we going" sinks the relationship, you haven’t lost a thing. He was just marking time. I hope you do the right thing...talk to the guy and lay your concerns and troubles out on the table first. Good luck
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (5 December 2005):
 I advise you to be careful with this guy. I am not saying that you will not be with him forever but given his past I would make sure he wants to be with you before I moved there forever. You also need to look at how big a deal moving to a new country can be, especially if you are just doing it for a guy. Think to yourself, what kind of a language barrier will there be, what will I do if we don't work out, how easy will it be to make friends in a new country, will you be able to start a life outside of him and the relationship? Take care of yourself, and be very careful, while he may be a great guy it sounds like he gets bored quickly and is always ready to move on to the next foriegn girl that comes along.
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