A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It's a long story but the gist is I have a child with this man that I'm still in love with. We haven't been together for a year now, and he hasn't met our child. He's finally beginning to come around but all these issues have ensued. First, he has a gf. Second, I'm in love with him. Third, we live in different states now. We recently had a long talk and he expressed his feelings regarding the whole situation. He talked about how he has feelings for both his gf and I, but is considering leaving her and coming to live closer to our child. He talked of how he wished we could work things out if I'd have him. His ultimate concern was being a father and being present for our child, as we both have sketchy relationships with our fathers. As I stated, I'm still in love with him. I have expressed that I want nothing more than to be a family, but I can't seem to get over the fact that he has said he loves his gf and he is happy with her. By no means do I want him to leave a relationship that makes him happy...but I want to be a family as well. Honestly, I'm afraid I'd disappoint him. I've never been a "good gf." I don't know how to be. I did once, but that was a long time ago. I've had a rough past. I can't even begin to know how to love him. I'm not terribly affectionate. I'm timid. I'm a little crass. I do love him. I think he's perfect. I just don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 March 2015):
 You write: "I think he's perfect. I just don't know what to do."
I suggest that you get a book... or 20 books.... about what NICE MEN are like...... When you are done, you will realize that this creature is FAR FROM perfect.... in fact, he's proven to be quite a jerk...
Then, steel yourself.... puff up your chest... and tell him to leave you alone.... (BUT, be sure to remind him to send you some child support $$$!!!)
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): I'm definitely not asking him to do anything. He wanted a DNA test, so we're doing that. Everything that I have posted about is from his mouth. I did allude to still loving him, but everything else he has come to by his own thoughts. I am trying to keep my distance as well. It is the best thing. By no means am I using our child. My intentions are only to bring them together. I've already gotten used to being alone. I cannot help if there are feelings still there, but I will keep them hidden if I have to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): You said you don't know how to be a good girlfriend, and you've had it rough. If he has a new girlfriend, and he feels torn between you; that can be interpreted to mean that he is uncertain about you, and got over you. He has moved on. You've used an emotional-pawn frequently used by baby-mama's. Your child.
I quote your very words: "I'm not terribly affectionate. I'm timid. I'm a little crass." If nothing has changed; a reconciliation will not succeed.
You're still in-love with him; but what are the chances of a successful reunion? That other woman isn't giving-up her man without a fight; and so far everything he says is said "from a distance." For all you know, these are all empty-promises. He doesn't want to piss you off; because he knows you'll demand child-support. You've got him over a barrel.
You're talking about a family; when both of your situations were dysfunctional, and the child was unplanned.
My dear, you are asking for a lot. For him to breakup with someone else, uproot his life, give-up a job and his home,
forget the past, and comeback to you. Realistically, do you see all that happening? All you need from him is a check in the mail for child-support. It's not about you anymore. It's about the child, and what s/he needs.
The reality is, he may say all the right things; but don't set your heart on it; sweetheart. All he is truly obligated to do, is offer financial-support for his child. Maybe allow the child to know who he is. When the child is old enough for that to happen, without causing any emotional upheaval in the child's life.
He got as far away from you as he could. Maybe because he did know you were pregnant. Or, the experience in your past relationship was so bad, he needed to escape. How could he not know you got pregnant; there are people you both know, and someone let him know you were pregnant. Trust me on that.
Let him be happy staying with her and right where he is.
Get the legal wheels in motion for child-support; and put your feelings back in the past where they belong. It didn't work the first time. Don't delude yourself into thinking he's going to make all those sacrifices for you; but he may have some "curiosity" about the child. Don't bet on that either. If he has been away throughout your pregnancy; don't expect his new girlfriend to let him accept he is the father without proof!
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