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female
age
41-50,
*irrenity7
writes:dearcupidi've been seeing a guy 11yrs my junior and he has a girlfriend. this had been going on for nearly 9 months. i know it's wrong, so i don't need anyone to tell me it's wrong. i just can't seem to leave him alone. i've even went as far as threatening him that i would call his girlfriend, if he didn't stop calling me and leave me alone. this occured about 3 months into it.now the newness has worn off and i've backed off. but it seems the more i back off the more he pursues me. i don't know why im not strong enough to ignore him. i keep telling myself if maybe i could just meet me another guy that i like as much as him...maybe i'd be able to leave him completely alone.i've even sent x-mas card to his home, nothing became of it. my intentions was that the girlfriend would see it and he would be found out. it didn't have my name on it, just a fictitious signature. i do have her phone and cell#. he showed me where they live and gave me the address.i've asked him several times why would you risk your relationship, and his response is "you're worth getting caught." overall i know he's using me or both me and his girlfriend, and i also know i want a better man to be husband, but i care so much for him and feel so vulnerable when it comes to him.i'd appreciate any advicelately i've been thinking of calling his girlfriend and telling her (they've been together off and on for 10yrs). but my goal isn't to hurt her. im just assuming he'd be forced to cut me off in the event of that call. i don't know. i guess i should add im married and in the process of divorce. someone please give me some advice!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): Oh - this is disappointing - not only did you do the gutless, nasty thing - you did it on Valentines Day!! How did you feel about yourself and things afterwards? Did hurting the girl you don;t know and don't know anything about make you feel better?? You are directing your anger and hurt at the wrong person - you realise that don't you? Did you find a therapist yet? Go see one - even while you;re having your little affair - start to talk about it with someone who can help you work through what's going on and what to do next etc. Pleeeeeeaaase - go find a GOOD therapist.
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female
reader, sirrenity7 +, writes (12 April 2009):
sirrenity7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question UPDATE!!!! I called the gf on valentines day and I've still been seeing the guy... no... he didn't leave her...I'm still being stupid... wanting to be loved... insecure... but I believe in time his presence in my life will be a thing of the past.Thanks to all
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): Hi again - no offense taken, don't worry. I am really glad that what I wrote gave you something to think about - I know what you mean about not always liking to look at yourself so closely - none of us does, just as none of us sets out to do 'bad' things - humans are just very complicated and we tend to make mistakes!I hope you can get some support and good results in seeking therapy - I don't think you'll regret it. Good luck in the future!
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reader, sirrenity7 +, writes (28 January 2009):
sirrenity7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello anon...i apologize if i was rude...i read what you said and you were right...i do tend to want the easy way out or overlook my role/actions in alot of things...congratulations!!!you've made me acknowledge that...my mom would say that when i was younger but i never believed...i think your righti am going to seek therapy in regards to relationships period...maybe this will help me...i think i may be co-dependent...not sure...thank you and i apologize if i offended you in any way...sometimes it can be hard to accept the truth...but when you broke it down the way you did...you left me no choice...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): Hi. I did read your post Sirrenity7 I assure you - I wouldn't waste time writing a response if I didn't take the time to read what you wrote. I apologise if you felt my response was not what you were after - but as you said in your reply, you wrote because you wanted advice on how to 'stop messing with him' - and that's what I felt I addressed. Would you have preferred if I didn't tell you what I really thought of your idea to call the poor girlfriend? Would you have preferred if I had not inferred things about you/your motivations? I wasn't being nasty - just honest in my opinion.I say it again - what point is there in doing phoning the girlfriend? You can if you want, it'll bring things to a head for sure but you can have the same result if you do one simple thing, give this guy an ultimatum, it's her or me....and in doing that you be prepared to follow through and not let him have his cake and eat it too - which has been status quo for some time. You will get the same result as you would if you do the painful and humiliating call to his long term girlfriend - if he wants to be with you he will end it with her - if not, he won't.I never once suggested that giving this affair up would be an easy thing for you - what I tried to get across to you was that you need to take responsibility for it, for your role in maintaining it and ultimately in ending it. Calling the girlfriend is the easy way out ...SHE and the guy then have to work it out and you can sit back and watch the fall out - and you don't have to do anything hard yourself, you can be the one who has no control and be a passive participant. I also didn't imply you lacked insight into this relationship being unhealthy - I was referring to the lack of insight you seem to have into your role and your own actions. You might know the affair is 'wrong' - but have you ever really thought about your motivations and actions and how these are exacerbating your problems? The idea you have for solving your current problem (calling the g'friend) is an example of what I am talking about - it is gameplaying and self-serving, but you mask it as wanting a way out and being unable to do anything yourself. Poor little you - cue the violins please.You can take or leave what is written in response to your post - that's fine - but you can't dismiss yourself that easily. Get some professional support around this so called relationship, help yourself. Or - phone the girlfriend - your choice. Either way - at least you'll be actively bringing about change!Good luck.
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reader, sirrenity7 +, writes (25 January 2009):
sirrenity7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the response...if you anon poster would carefully read the post you would have gathered that im fully aware of this relationship being unhealthy...this is why i feel like he needs to be discovered...as far as me liking attention im far from unattractive and don't have any problems getting attention...i love him and i don't want to stop seeing him, But i do realize that that isn't right...if i could stop messing with him on my own i wouldn't have posted the question for advice...duh...i may be immature and everything else you mentioned, but any grown adult that has ever experienced anything knows that throughout life there's always going to be something you SHOULD let go of that isn't to easy to let go of or that you simply don't want to let go of. and this could be food, porn, cigarettes, obsessive shopping/gambling, etc.
moreover...when stating your opinion/advise you probably should fully read the original post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): I'm afraid you sound incredibly immature - at least when it comes to relationships. have you even had a healthy long term relationship? A couple of points for you to consider.I don't believe YOU calling his girlfriend would be of any help to you at all - and I think you want to do it to force his hand...but probably not the way you state, I suspect you're like all the other mistresses out there who want the guy to dump the girlfriend/spouse and prove how much they love you right? Your issue is not with the girlfriend - she has nothing to do with this shitty situation, she's just the victim - so she cannot rectify it for you, and why should she? ONLY YOU can fix this for yourself. Are you honestly saying you need her to tell him to stop calling you? Get real - you are a grown adult. Behave like one - finish it yourself - stop pretending this is out of your control or against your will. Don't respond to his attempts to speak with or see you - simple. Simple if in fact you DO want him to leave you alone. I think you like the attention, I think you need to feel wanted, I think you're insecure and clinging to something you think will make you happy. I think you're kidding yourself about your role in all this...you aren't little miss innocent like you seem to want to believe, and deep down you know it and don't like it.So you can't leave this guy alone until you meet another guy? Lame. You write like you want us to believe you are really insightful into all this - and not just a desperate little game player...not working. Sending a card to his home, having his girlfriend's cell no/address, threats to 'tell on him"...smells like gameplaying to me! As for this guy - if he is doing and saying what you write...he sounds like he's screwed up - and both of you would be better off without him.But...ultimately - you need to stand up and take responsibility for your own role and actions and if you don;t like the situation - YOU change it.You need some therapy so you can actually hope to have a real reltionship one day...you have some issues to deal with honey.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): I'm afraid you sound incredibly immature - at least when it comes to relationships. have you even had a healthy long term relationship?
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reader, sirrenity7 +, writes (25 January 2009):
sirrenity7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni apologize, he's actually 11yrs my Senior...no im not a teacher and he's not my student...thanks for the response that has definitely help me understand why he's so nonshalaunt about me calling his gf...this gives me another perspective on how to look at this situation...i have no idea why i care for this guy...im wondering what could be the reason he would want out of something he has invested so much time in? that's weird...oh well...just like i told him i would have never stayed with him without him marrying me...period...so he definitely has the right one...thanks again
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reader, mrflip +, writes (25 January 2009):
Please tell me you aren't a teacher and this isn't your student.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): Ok...you need to walk away. no matter how much you think you are into this guy. If he's telling you that you are worth getting caught for, it's because he's looking for a way out and too cowardly to do it himself. There's a pretty good chance that once he's out, you'll be gone because he's gotten what he wanted from you, and that was a way out. Don't think for two seconds that he's be forced to cut you off. If anything, you'd be aiding him in what he wants. Which again, is out. So either way...you'd be helping him. You need to take some time for you, and when you least expect it, the right guy for you will come along. Good luck!
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