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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: ok, when i last asked a question, i was told i wasnt being explicit enough, so heres the whole sorry tale. im 22, hes 45. we fell in love with each other after having had a purely sexual relationship for about 9 months and have now been seeing each other for 3 years. i never really trusted him because i knew from others that he had cheated in the past, this was also the reason for his divorce. we never really made a go of it because we both felt it wouldnt work out anyway due to the age difference and i always let him take the lead, not wanting to put pressure on him. so at first it was fine that he never introduced me to his friends or family or took me to official "do´s" at work etc. after 3 years i have met his parents twice, his children quite a few times, and one of his friends once! i feel so left out, like hes ashamed of me but he just says he doesnt want his work people to know, as they would gossip. the thing is, he cheated on me for three months with one of his colleagues ( a girl my age). i forgave him but then we split anyway and i dated a few people and he started seeing someone new (also my age)(also from work) now we´re back together again and really want it to work out but i find it essential now to get to know his friends and the people he works with. he also never showed any interest in my friends which i put down to the age difference but on the whole our life together consists of watching tv together at night, going to bed and the next morning he more or less throws me out. we have no life together, i feel as though im single! im so unhappy and dont know what to do, despite all the problems i love him and know he loves me and that he just has a commitment problem, but how can i change this? please help, im desperate.... thanks xxxxx
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at work, cheated on me, divorce, fell in love Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Commitment is mutual. So when I use it; it encompasses both partners and I usually add to it that it is hard work, sacrifice, love, respect, listening, giving, understanding...that will strenthen this bond and promise to one another.
That it is one sided...is there a commitment?
It takes two for a relationship/marriage and one to say goodbye.
I agree with eyes...if you are getting a door...don't waste your effort.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): @Agreed with eyeswideopen.
This "commitment problem" phrase is thrown around so much that it has somehow become a valid phenomenon for why people (usually men) arn't commited, faithful and loving partners.
Sorry to destroy this illusion but, there is no such thing really. If someone has a "commitment problem" then it is because:
a) They are not mature, ready, or want a commited relationship /or/
b) They do not see you as a potential long term partner/wife/mother
Sadly, there is nothing you, as their partner, can do to change their attitute.
The longer you stay with him, the more unhappy you will become. You'll start to feel unloved, devalued, belittled and eventually worthless.
You stay in this relationship too long and you will eventually find it surprisingly difficult to become attached to a commiting, loving, supportive and caring guy who genuingly wants to be with you. Your confidence and belief in men will be diminished to the extent that you won't, unconsciously, believe that he could ever possibily be genuine - it will be you who will sabotage and eventually end the relationship.
Don't hang around unhealthy relationships too long - they will only ultimately harm you.
You're a lovely 22 year old, do you really want to be with a 45 divorced man who has children? I feel sad for you, I really do. Have you ever wondered why you would fall for such an unsuitable man? Where was dad when you were growing up? Was he a good role model and brought you up well?
You describe a truely terrible relationship to me, one that no one deserves to be in. Time to take care of yourself, I think. All the best. Peter
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 He doesn't have a commitment problem, he's just not that into you. You need to find someone who is. I'm sure you will.
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