A
female
age
30-35,
*tuSue
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 2yrs now. I am 22yrs and his 28. he's got 2 sons with different woman which he was married to the 1st 1. I knew about them when we met but he never mentioned anything about being with the 2nd baby mama. I then realised that he was still with her 6months down our relationship because he wouldnt invite me over to his place. so I made a decision to leave him due to that which was very difficult because we were really in love. He then kept seeing me and finally left the 2nd baby mama and he moved back to his house which he was renting out by the time he was with her. so I was happy that finally im his real girlfriend and then he introduced me to his familly which he wanted to wait a lil longer due to fact that he has made few changes in his life quite fast "from divoce, he impregnanted another girl then it was me" so he actually did the family thing just to secure me. he knows that i wanna get married and have kids of my own 1 day and because i feel like he's the right 1 for me i wouldnt mind having kids now aslong as he marries me and we are happy. now he loves me but he is nt ready to have kids now or anytime soon and ready to marry. he is commited to me and he loves his kids to death but our future wants are at a different level. he started to be distant and less active in the relationship and i tried to talk to him and finally he opened up and this is what he says " i love you and want to be with you but i cant give you what you want "family and kids now" im not ready and i feel like im gonna delay you for those things because im not even sure when i'll want to start a family and have more kids. im afraid of doing that now and find that things dont work out and i become a father of 3 with 3 woman, i want to be sure of my decisions but right now i feel like i need to be alone and just concentrate on my kids and also dont have a problem when i go see my sons anytime because i know you will be concerned about it too. im filling to do things for the mothers also because some of them you dont understand "like he had to get the ex wife a car due to the fact that he wants her to transport the son to school especially in winter because the son's transport pics them late" i was fine with that when he told me because i know that the ex wife has moved on, she met me and we get really well together that she taught her son to call me mammy. so i thought maybe i mustnt be jealous at all that even though he promised me a car too he chose to get her one 1st before me. he sounds more confused because he says things like his life is not in order and he hasnt achieved what he wants and now adding me as someone he loves and would love to have me forever he feels like he cant because he has a lot to do. he says that the thought of seperating with me kills him especially after all the sacrifice we both made to be together and the love that he has for me but his fraid of the future that he wont be able to give me what i want and he doesnt want to delay me. Now please get me right I love him and I want to be with him and I know deep inside me that I want kids and to be married because thats what i always wanted but should i wait for him? we always spoke of familly together. now i asked him if he would like to go back to 1 of his baby mama and he said no because i thought maybe having another kid with a woman he already has 1 with would be better for him and have just 1 son outside than having me as another baby mama. i feel like its very reasonable enough for him to not want to make such decisions now or anytime soon because i do agree that many things did happen in a short period of time in his life and regardless of his love for me he doent want to repeat the same mistakes. can i be patient and just love him and support him in this state? i dont know how long it wil take and to be honest im not a very patient person in the world. but I am willing to try this because I dont want to loose a man I know his not cheating on me but facing decisions to make. he did sugest we breakup but we cant as we keep seing each other and still tell each other that we love each other. I also dont wanna wait and find that I waited for nothing because the reason i will be patient its for him to be with me whole heartedly without woring about the future. I have decided that i wont let wat he does for his baby mama's affect us "as hard as it will be" i knew of them and accepting that he will do things for them just for his kids to benefit is the only way to go..his a good father and me being jealous of him helping them is just not right. the sons are staying with the moms so he has to go through them. 1st born is 6 and the 2nd born is 2. me and him started by cheating and I must say that made us have trust issues with each other too. i wasnt a saint when we were still together playing the other girlfriend i also had my games but we finally both let go of them.if he has to get both of them (baby mamas) houses cars and etc FINE because they both know about me,his family knows me, he loves me. so im just worried of him distancing too long as its been a month now and i wasnt much supportive at 1st too of the space thing when he required it because im a kind of a girl that wants to protect whats her's. we still together but i want him back fully and want to make him know that im willing to be by his side al the way but again friends i need to be held at night and be told beautiful words...which right now we been spending much time apart. can this be a temp thing and maybe a lil patience might help? but what do i do in a mean time. he send me a msg saying his always thinking about me and stil loves me..ysterday i called him and he said he miss me. we spoke today again
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female
reader, ItuSue +, writes (7 July 2011):
ItuSue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u very much for your opinion, its much appreciated. well i do get that feeling alot and i am afraid of the time wasted incase it nver works. how funny "his comming to pick me up from work today" I will also have to rethink of all this as I know I do loe him very much. 1st guy I ever sacrefieced anything for. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): He told you what he wants and it looks like he's not going to change. I know you care about him but do you really want to be stringed along for a long time waiting for things to change? What if it never happens and you'll have wasted a long time of your life when in that time you might've gotten what you wanted from someone else. I'm not trying to be negative but think about everything he's said.
How can you know for sure that he's really going to be sure about what he wants? He's focusing on his kids so nows not a good time to try to talk to him. You two should separate for a while with no contact. It'll be hard but maybe that way he can see what he's missing and focus on his kids like he's planned. After a while talk to him. Don't give him an ultimatum but let him know that you won't be waiting around forever to have the life you want. Hope I helped somewhat, if at all.
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