A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am engaged with "O" for 3 years already. The topic of having the wedding has been off and on between the two of us. It just seems like 3 years is a long time (though I am willing to wait and respect his opinions too). It's been recent that I bought up the this up to him again and he would just answer.."We will but this and this first". I read that at one point, if a woman doesn't put her foot down then she is enabling the man to have it his way and so he will take it for granted just not to go through with his promise of commitment is to her. What I mean is, it was easy to put the ring on the finger bu it's more difficult for him to follow through. At times, I feel th he may not want it at all. We had an argument just not long ago, and I felt not good ever since I asked him "If he was not wanting this because he has cheated" I regret asking but I felt it in my stomach. That day, I cannot forget. He became someone ele right in front of me, totally angry and very furious with me.He went into some tantrum. He slammed a picture of both of us onto the floor (which broke totally- a gift from me to him), he name called me every name in the book. When I stoodup and said it was wrong of him to name call me so much, he pulled me by the hair and hit me in the face and pushed me mny times. I begged for him to stop but he continued until he stopped. I gave in. Im not asking for sympathy here but for advice. At times, I would like to confide with his mom about what has happened but so there would be some help but I feel that they wouldn't believe in me since "their son is so perfect". I don't know what came out of him, but this isn't like him. Everyday now, he walks around as if things like that have not happened..on the other hand, I'm wondering why it did. Is there more to what do I know then? I feel that something must have been done by him and therefore he wasnt able to move to the next step. Now, i'm just confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): I have to agree with the female replies below me, this sounds quite abusive, not just physically but also psychologically. I think this one case highlights that this man does not respect women on the same level as himself and you will never change that. I am sure if you think about it there have been other instances where he has shown how he really views you.
I feel that your problems with him are only just beginning and that as soon as you marry, this side of him will come out in full as he will effectively feel he owns you. You say "this isn't like him" I think it should be more "I didn't realise this was him".
You obviously love him and in some sick way, he feels he loves you, but his actions are not how you show love to someone. No doubt this man has had equated abuse with love in his early years; not his fault yet he is 100% responsible for his actions. The longer you stay in this relationship the more you will become dependent on him, it's s vicious circle that causes abusee's to end up in violent relationships for decades; don't allow yourself to become one of those women.
I think whatever you decide to do, you must remain strong inside and really appeal to what you know and feel is right and proper for how someone should be treated. People make mistakes, and they are allowed chances but, there is a huge difference between this and an ongoing cycle of abuse and violence - i hope you can see the difference.
A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (21 March 2007):
 I have a very strong opinion on men or woman abusing the one they are supposed to "love".
I feel that perhaps you had asked the question in "the wrong way", but I dont feel you asked something that you shouldnt have. If I asked my boyfriend if he had cheated or something like that, he would probably laugh at me, a little insulted but laugh none the less. Under no circumstances should he have acted in the way he did! And no way should he have hit you or anything like that!
A man or woman that is an abuser is very unlikely to not do it again. It does occasionally happen that it is a one off but there is a very strong possibility it will happen again. If he hasnt even brought it up and apologised for his actions, he obviously doesnt think there is anything wrong with his actions, and again reinforced the fact that he will do it again.
I dont believe that anyone should stay in an abusive relationship.
If it were me, I would have left a long time ago, whether I loved him or not. I wouldnt put myself in a situation that I wasnt comfortable with. I am sure there are a lot of people who would disagree with me, but why put yourself through hell for someone that isnt sure about marriage anyway?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): Why are you still with him. I put up with this for far too long. Get out now the hitting will get worse. Please walk away now while you are still in one piece. My bloke used to act as if nothing had happened and he had just beaten me up. So i know what i am talking about. Get out now!
Take care
xx
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