| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have this problem where I just don't know how to react or cope when something is wrong and my boyfriend can tell.We've been together for almost 2 years, and we love each other deeply despite our obvious problems. He has issues regarding my past, which isn't wild at all, but includes guys he knows. He dislikes that I was a flirt, a little immature (like any teen girl, right?) and well, I enjoyed being single. I was a virgin anyway! But I lied to him about it because I knew he'd get upset. He did get upset when I told the truth, not so much because of the lying, but because he hated the truth.Well, we've been mostly fine. But I can't deny that all these problems have taken their toll on my already insecure self! My self esteem has plummeted. I don't think I'm attractive anymore. And even though he says he wouldn't cheat, I get so scared. He doesn't trust me because he thinks I may cheat, considering that in my past I just "had fun and didn't think of the consequences" (because I made out with a couple of strangers). Because I kept talking to some guys I hooked up with, crushed on or crushed on me (at school, mostly, never alone). So now he threats me with hanging out (alone) with one of his exes because that's the only way things are going to be fair. He swears he won't cheat though!Now, I get jealous all the time, or insecure, even when a hot girl appears nude in a movie... I feel so unattractive. I wasn't like this before! I get so scared when he goes out, because I'm sure he's checking girls out or that he'll meet someone prettier who he can trust, etc. The problem is sometimes I have these thoughts when we're together and everything is fine, because I'm absolutely paranoid that he'll leave me at any moment, and he of course feels that somethings wrong. He reads my face so well! I can't hide it whether I'm feeling insecure, or anything... and if I tell him nothing's wrong, he just insists, until I tell him (i.e. "Nothing, it's just I'm feeling unattractive again".) and he goes absolutely mad! I just can't hide when somethin's wrong... I also feel like I can't trust him... and it's weird, because I lied to him, he hasn't lied to me, but I fear he may get revenge on me or I don't know what.Don't get me wrong, most of the time everything's fine. He's very loving 95% of the time. It's just I'm so paranoid and insecure about everything!! And when he realizes this and I tell him what's on my mind, he just gets very angry and says he's annoyed with my insecurities. The other day I got very insecure because of some sex on TV and he almost broke up with me because he says my insecurity sickens him! I just feel very low about myself, I can't help it! Help.
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broke up, crush, flirt, his ex, immature, insecure, jealous, revenge, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 I believe your insecurities began long before you started experiencing them in this relationship. You keep trying to analyze his reasons for being with you. Why is it so hard to accept that with all the girls out there, you're the one he's choosing to be with?
I don't know too many people who don't have some sort of a past. You weren't with him at that time, so your past should not be an issue. He needs to drop it and keep it dropped.
Your past does not make you any less attractive. Being attractive isn't just physical. It includes your personality, your emotions etc. All combined is why he's with you.
Has he given you reason to believe he may cheat? Has someone in your past cheated on you, which not only lowered your sense of self, but also brought up these feelings as if he may do the same?
Your behavior stems from fear. You need to address and figure out what is causing you to be afraid. You need to develop yourself, and start living in balance. When your out of balance you might be trying to fill a void through him in the relationship. By figuring out a balance, you'll start loving yourself more, and these insecurities will begin disappearing. Remember, no one can make you happy, if you're not all ready happy.
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