A
female
age
41-50,
*reakygeekgrl
writes:I have been with my fiance for 4 years. We had an argument the other day at our daughters birthday party. He raised his voice at me and swore at me in front of some of our guests which was humiliating. Not wanting to cause a scene at our daughters party I let it go for the moment, but the way he treated me really upset me.The next day he was super sweet, loving and acting as if nothing was wrong. I was still upset so I told him how I felt about what had happened the day before. First he denied yelling at me, then said the awful things he said were just a joke (but they obviously weren't) and basically talked around the issue until I was so exasperated that I just broke down sobbing. He wrapped his arms around me and had a huge erection.This has been bothering me since. I am divorced, and my ex husband was a sadist. He used to get off on making me cry and hurting me. I am scared that this is a warning sign of things to come. When you have hurt someone why would you be turned on at the sight of them crying their eyes out? I don't get it.My mother has been saying for years they he is just like my ex husband but I have always remained objective and treated him as the person in front of me, not the person behind me. When things like this happen though, I will admit I have concerns of my own.Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced a man getting aroused when they are hurting you and making you cry? Is it just some boggling male response to your vulnerability or is it a sign of something dark?I don't want to make the same mistake twice, any advice would be appreciated!
View related questions:
divorce, erection, fiance, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, freakygeekgrl +, writes (26 August 2013):
freakygeekgrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow.. a lot of insight in these responses. Thank you all for taking the time to to consider my situation. It is so easy to feel trapped. Thank you for reminding me that I have a choice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Emotionally, you probably never really let go of your ex-husband, and went out and found his replacement.
There were similarities you saw consciously, and subconsciously. People usually have a programmed subconscious criteria of the type of mate that they're looking for, and this guy fit your criteria.
Along the way; there were subtle hints that you picked up, but ignored.
You may have never sought counseling or therapy for the emotional battery you experienced from your first marriage.
You became accustomed to the treatment, and low self-esteem makes you feel unworthy of someone better. So you pretty much found the same type of guy with the same traits.
Some men may find a "vulnerable" woman sexually arousing; which is why women are often seduced in a highly emotional state. There is a hormonal response triggered in men, that nature has wired into us since primitive man; to protect a crying or vulnerable woman. He is moved to sooth and protect her.
Just the close proximity of your body may have aroused him. Perhaps the passion got stirred up; because he is sadistic toward you. That isn't healthy for either of you.
Now that you are aware of what you're involved with; you can take a conscious course of action in your own protection. Although this particular incident is not what has you concerned. There are some things you haven't mentioned. I strongly sense it.
You don't have to marry him; but he does have a responsibility as a father of your daughters. You don't have to repeat your previous error in judgement, where men are concerned. You can't change him; but you can change your mind.
Here's where you'll probably say you're in-love, and it's hard.
Well, read your own post.
Let it run through your mind, and replay that day at the party. Then think. He must support and be a father to the girls. He does not have to be your husband. Maybe some will say he should get therapy or counseling. That's if he believes he has a problem; and he is committed to seeking help. Therapists are not miracle workers. They can't magically remove dark elements within people.
They can't cure people who may not think they have a problem, or don't want their help. The success of treatment relies on the acceptance, and committed effort of the patient. That is, if he actually has anything wrong with him at all. It could all be misinterpretation. Not the abuse, but the sexual arousal.
Verbal-abuse and aggression is unmistakable. That's where you should be concerned. Anger-management classes are often
free. Getting someone to submit to going is another story.
He may be in denial, he thinks he can smooth it over.
Get your own counseling. Find out what is buried inside that attracts you to men who abuse you emotionally; and get sadistic pleasure from it. Verbal-abuse often evolves into physical violence and abuse. So take these subtle signs seriously. Somehow, in a span of four years, I think violence has already surfaced. You just didn't mention it. I think you're holding back a few details.
Are you?
Are you protecting him, to not make him look like a monster?
Has he ever physically harmed you? Verbal-abuse is just as painful. It still leaves scars.
In any case, the decision of where you go from here should be in the best interest of your children. The environment that you subject them to, will also effect their development.
So think back. Assess the progression of your relationship over the last four years; and do what is best for the girls, and you.
That doesn't mean they don't have to have their father in their lives. It means you don't have to marry him; if you feel it isn't right, or you don't like his dark side.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 Yeah, I used to date a man who really got off on hurting me and making me cry. He was manipulative and controlling and knew that I loved him and would do anything to be with him, so he could get away with it. He was not a nice person and I was so relieved when I finally left him.
Raising your voice and swearing at someone is not a good sign. He can't even control his temper in front of your friends and also at your daughter's party. Hopefully it wasn't in front of her or any other children. I remember being 4 or 5 years old and watching my dad shouting and swearing at my mum in front of other people and it was as if the rug was pulled from under my feet. No child should have to witness that.
Was that the first time something like this happened? The way he reacted afterwards, denying it and brushing it off as a joke, is also a massive red flag. He's not remorseful, he's just trying to make you think that it was no big deal.
It's worrying that your mother tells you he's just like your abusive ex. It's also worrying that you think you are being objective because it's extremely difficult to be objective about someone you are in love with. She is not being objective either, because she is your mother and I'm sure she's worried about you, but she's more likely to be objective than you are. Something about him reminds her of your ex and that's not good.
I think you need to take a break from him. Don't get married. Take some time to think, take your daughter and go and stay with your mother for a while. Maybe away from him you can gain a little bit of perspective and see the relationship for what it really is.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): IMO it could be anything. Possibly just a male response to vulnerability etc, or evidence that he has a sadistic streak, or maybe unrelated at all. I wouldn't try to make that connection on one incident.
Look at the whole picture of your experience with the guy. Does he behave like your ex? Does he seem to take pleasure in hurting or embarrassing you?
It does sound like it from the way you describe this incident. But its only one incident.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 August 2013):
 So you've already had one husband who behaves this way toward you... and, now, you are prepping yourself for yet another one. Do you see your pattern? Are you prepared to do what you need to do to break it (the pattern)?
Good luck....
...............................
|
