A
female
age
41-50,
*tarrchild123
writes:I am 32 years old married for two years as of December 2011. I have been dealing with a situation where I have been basically going back and forth with my husband for the last two months everytime he brings up a topic that his aunt or mother has spoken to him about, wether its life insurance or general conversation between my husband and his mom or aunt he comes back to me after thier conversations and begins to, in some way or another , find a way to let me know that what his mother or aunt are doing is okay verses the way I choose to do things or go about various things, such as: parenting, phone choices , having life insurance (during our financial crisis), how I keep my paperwork, etc. etc.I am really at my ends wit. I have spoken with his aunt twice about two situations that really caused a big blowout between my husband and I because of something she has said to him about various topics and how she would handle her appropriate business.His aunt says she only chimes in after something he has said , and that he never explains both sides of the situation,she also agreed that he was in the wrong for coming to me everytime she has something to say about whatever is going on at that time. I have tried to speak with hum about how I feel and he told me that he is unable to say anything to me and i am to sensitive. He also went on to say that I don't need to be addressing this issue with him , being we have so many other things we are dealing with and its not all about you. Please help! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 September 2011):
 It's too bad that your husband didn't develop a spine when he was younger..... 'Cuz there really isn't any medical way to get one "after the fact"..... He'll have to develop his own....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, starrchild123 +, writes (20 September 2011):
starrchild123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Continuation of response to chocoholics message. Besides his argumentative characteristic especially when in a serious relationship or in this case a marriage he told me earlier today that outside of this marriage this is his first time having to be more of a man(meaning with his responsibilities within our marriage and his duties as a husband and a father) he is used to women taking care of everything ( from money to all the above) he used this example: "if I overdrafted one of my ex's bank cards she would just let me use the other bank card and then pay the overdrafted one off"! Also he is actually someone who was well known in the entertainment industry and is has been struggling to get back on top for the past 5 yrs. We have an 8month old baby and we each came in this marriage with one 12 yr old daugther a piece(and yes they get along great) I feel like at times he may be making break throughs in certain areas but I feel like we always end up back at the same place.
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A
female
reader, starrchild123 +, writes (20 September 2011):
starrchild123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanyou so much for your help and ideas on my current marital issue I am dealing with, its nice to have a non judgmental opinion on this issues verses involving others who may have preconcieved ideas or may even make the problem worse. Its a very peaceful way to vent, LOL! I wanted to let you now that yes he does have dsyfunctional communication skills when it comes to a disagreement with the women he is in serious relationships with, he has admitted to me in the past that he has a problem with this and has also said that arguing is the one thing that will make him leave a relationship or even this marriage, even though he is a very argumentative person and not only usually initiates the argument but will go on and on giving his speechesand reasoning to me about why things are this way or that way, and what should be done . So yes he also deals with control issues. When it comes to his friends he only seems to get into arguments with two friends of his that have been friends with him since middle school.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 September 2011):
"I have tried to speak with hum about how I feel and he told me that he is unable to say anything to me and i am to sensitive. He also went on to say that I don't need to be addressing this issue with him , being we have so many other things we are dealing with and its not all about you."
It sounds like you have a massive barrier of communication between you two. maybe your husband never developed effective communication or relational skills, maybe he's very conflict avoidant and can't handle any disagreement without feeling personally attacked.
Or maybe there is some truth to what he says about you being too oversensitive or self-centered and thus making it difficult for him to talk with you.
Is he like this at work or around other people? If he has no problem discussing important issues of mutual concern with other people (not just chumming around with his buddies, but discussing outcomes that affect him and the other person mutually, such as a team mate at work) and reaching agreement or compromise with them, then maybe it is you and you really are too sensitive or you're doing something that makes him highly uncomfortable talking with you.
I don't think you should be going to his aunt or mom because this is between you and your husband. Yes he is already going to them which is inappropriate. But for you to try to cut him off by also going to his aunt, is also inappropriate and will probably just escalate the problems because from his perspective (not saying this is necessarily true but maybe the way he sees it): he finds it highly uncomfortable talking with you about these matters. But he finds it easy to talk with his mom and aunt so he goes to them, thereby he gets some relief because these important matters get settled - at least in his mind - and he didn't have to get uncomfortable by talking to you. If you now cut off his path by going to his aunt, you've 'sabotaged' his only way to get the relief he sought. It's not right that he was going to his mom and aunt rather than you, but by doing this it's unlikely to make him feel better about coming to you first, it may just make him feel even more adversarial towards you and thus make the problem worse.
I think you should set aside the actual issues examine the way you and your husband interact and try to see if there's any truth to his claims that you're too sensitive or if you're doing things that make him feel uncomfortable talking with you. and then maybe talk with your husband not about the real issues at hand - like the health insurance or the phone bills - but about "how to talk about these issues". In other words, try to have a talk with him about HOW to talk with him. ask him what can you do that will make him feel more comfortable talking with you.
there is another aspect of this which I'm not sure if it applies or not, which is that maybe your husband is controlling and that's why he doesn't talk with you, because he doesn't want you to have a say. The only reason I'm questioning if this is possible is that you mentioned one of the issues he brings his mom/aunt into without listening you is "how you keep your paperwork." To me this sounds like a controlling person if
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