A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for about a month and he's just ended it with me because he "just doesn't feel the spark". He says he can't explain it and subsequently spent considerable energy telling me I was really sweet and thoughtful and attractive, that he really likes spending time with me and would really like to continue to do so etc. It just seems that he doesn't see this as enough to base a relationship on.I'm not entirely sure what, at this early stage, he's expecting to feel beyond the above. What he's described to me is exactly what I feel (or felt) for him. I don't know what extra there is to feel. He says it's not something he can explain and agrees that he's not sent any signals prior to our most recent conversation to even hint at a problem - so it's come as a bit of a surprise, when I thought everything was going really well and was just beginning to dare to think a little further into the future.I've asked and he says he's 100% sure about it so there's nothing I can do.I have high self-esteem and he seems to think that I'm not arrogant or self-absorbed - so I'm pretty sure it's nothing to do with my feelings about myself.What I'd like to know is the following:Q1) I think what I felt for him constituted "spark", he seems to feel the same things but doesn't label it "spark" and therefore thinks something is missing which is preventing him from wanting to continue the relationship.Am I missing something and not realising it or is he suffering from 'Prince Charming Syndrome' and expecting more than is possible?Q2) He made a vague reference to being 'in some ways very similar and in some very different' and the only thing he could use to illustrate that was our differing sense of humor (even though we seem to make each other laugh). I thought a degree of both similarity and difference were essential components in a relationship. What does he mean?I've discounted the possibility that I've done something horrifically off-putting because he seems genuinely interested in remaining in contact as friends and, for once, I don't think it's a hollow platitude.-struggling to rationalise-
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): Your story is surprisingly similar to mine.I'm not telling you that he has someone else but it could have a possibility that he has interest or someone in mind that he feels that "spark" with but just doesn't know how to come out and tell you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): I am currently going through the same situation. I am with someone at the moment who told me just yesterday he doesn't "feel the sparks" as he did in the beginning. This is only 2 months into this. I feel as you do, for the first time you think that he's being honest with you as far as wanting to continue on. I got the same thing. He said he's "working on it." I want to believe him, but now my question to you is, do you believe a spark can return? I for one don't think so, but I could be wrong. If it's gone this quickly into the relationship, it's time for us to move on; no matter how much we want to believe they can. I personally can't handle remaining friends with someone I want intimacy with, but everyone is different. I believe my "friend" genuinely cares for me but has some serious intimacy problems. As you say, I know it's not me because I haven't changed my behavior and he admitted the "spark" thing. I think men have an innate sense to be stimulated at all times. I don't necessarily mean sexually, just mentally and emotionally challenged. The problem with that statement is every person has a different way of being stimulated and the trick is to know which stimulation works for which individual. Hope I made sense.
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A
male
reader, Jferrari87  +, writes (3 September 2008):
Truthfully, there are times when we do absolutely nothing wrong and things still just don't work out in the end. I've been both "victim" and "victimizer" in this situation and I can honestly tell you, I hated both roles. There truthfully is nothing worse than respecting and loving someone, but just not feeling the same connection that said person feels. You begin to doubt yourself and wonder whether you're the one thats not right in the equation, but in my instance, I just viewed the girl as a really good friend and I realized that I loved her as such, and nothing more. Sometimes it takes a while to realize these things, and the longer it takes the more it hurts both parties involved but one can't make themselves feel something that they just don't. Don't get me wrong though, their are plenty of people that use that line as a cop out to end a relationship that they're not happy with for some reason or another. What you need to do is to ask yourself which case yours is. Do you believe this person was genuine? If so, then accept it as such and move on knowing that there is nothing wrong with you, and you WILL find someone where that "spark" is just plain explosive and its obvious to both of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): Perhaps you've never felt the "spark" for another man before but when you do you'll probably understand. It is hard to explain but probably feeling a litle bit crazy for someone - that bit more than just liking them and finding them nice, sweet, attractive etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): Sometimes a good thing can be in front of you, and you just don't feel the emotional connection. It happens all of the time. Liking someone doesn't constitute there being that special "spark." What he described was a way you might describe a friend..whom you just happen to find attractive, but emotionally, there just isn't that romantic relationship quality. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong...just that you're not the right gal for him-though he might find you as a good pal. I wouldn't fret over it. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong...just that you guys share more of a friendship quality than romantic one.
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