A
female
age
36-40,
*aringgirl
writes:Hello there,I posted a previous question earlier, it was about my boyfriend, who i dated for quite a long time, our relationship was beautiful, we were deeply in love with each other and then he just ditched me in the minute out of nowhere saying that he doesnt think he can marry me in the future as he has to go along with his mothers choice of marriage partner, (arranged marriage).He said he loved me and he cried as well but he has to let me go. This really enraged me , as actions speaks louder than words, so if he loved me why is he letting go of me.He got in touch after two days , as I ignored him completly and I took him back like a fool, but than he ditched me again , he said we can never be, he loves me so much and it hurts him. I called him back and i gave him a piece of my mind, he was shocked and embarrased and had nothing to say i put the phone down, i have deleted his number everything as I wanted to leave in dignity.He texted me back and said baby call me back, and then later on texted nah forget it I was going to say something iam at work now. but i didnt get back to him, I dont even know what he meant by that.He promised me time and time again he loves me and he wants to mary me, he gave me false hopes, i set my future out with him. I asked him many times, are you sure you want to marry me? and he just fed me things. It appears to me, he knew all along that he was going to dump me and be spineless and go with his mothers choice of marriage. Its like certain man they make false promises and think its okay to just walk so coldy, I cant get my head around it, and it hurts so much. I want him to suffer and hurt every bit of the way he hurt me, I just dont know how to get my head around it. I accept its his decision, but he is acting like he has no choice and now I feel so shattered. Help!
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Hope things have improved for you since all this happened?
You were certainly getting a raw deal back when you asked this questions. Just thought I would check back to see how you are going now - you don't have to follow up this - but I did notice some very nice answers from you.
Which is to your credit that you can show so much empathy for others, considering the challenges you overcame.
Well done!
A
female
reader, caringgirl +, writes (10 January 2011):
caringgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi abella, its so nice to hear from you again. well iam going on vacation next friday I never been abroad so thats something iam looking forward to, and your right about the fact he was offering me second best , your very right infact !I was not going to sell myself short to him. you know what angers me the most, its man like him , man in my communities thats what they do, iam not sterotyping all of them the same, because you cant tarnish everyone under the same brush but most of them think its okay to sleep about or have girlfriends but than later refuse to marry them , they sleep with these girls but than when its time to have marriage they all want virign marys and go along with mummys choiceof a chaste pure wife.I see it too many times happening even with my friends
Its hypyrocritical and its not fair, i feel I have been done wrong. I know iam not the first to have my heartbroken but its just a common trait in my community, it makes me feel sick and like I cant even trust these man anymore.
But your right , my heart is healing and I have to be very strong.I know in time , i will learn to have faith in man and overcome bitterness Thanks again for your advice that day , I was really badly hurt and you gave me such kind and wise advice.iam just glad i walked with my dignity intact .
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2011):
you are doing very well. Keep up the good work. He's looking for a little faltering in your resolve, but offering you only second best. And you know that's not OK. Accept him and you cut yourself off from moving forward. Give yourself applause!
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A
female
reader, caringgirl +, writes (3 January 2011):
caringgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi , thankyou so much for leaving that kind note Abella ! its not easy , infact during the past week he tried to get in touch trying to make excuses and trying to creep back in my life, he says he wants to be ''friends'' but i think he is just using it as an excuse to kill time. It took all of my strength to kindly tell him, I dont want your friendship.
I think, he just wants me there as a backup option till something better comes along , I am not completly naive so I wanted to get in there before he completely hurt me again.
It was hard, but I have managed to cut all contact of and I didnt give in to him. i Know as time goes past , my heart will heal things will get better as you have said. But iam only 22, I dont think I want to waste another time in my life shedding a tear for him, when there is so much look forward to. Thats what iam doing, thinking of the future and good times ahead. Thankyou once again xxx
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 December 2010):
hi Caringgirl, well done, you have come a long way, in working through things and will do more good things as you heal your heart. It is a pleasure hearing from a strong capable caring girl like you, hope all goes well, best wishes Abella
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A
female
reader, caringgirl +, writes (24 December 2010):
caringgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, Its been a week or so and I just want to say a thankyou very much to all these people who took the time to answer my question. Actually Albella , I have really taken on your advice, its really hit home and Iam doing exactly doing that, I actually read your advice over and over again till it drilled in my head, and yes your right about him being a spineless wimp!!
To the anon reader, yes your right indeed ! At the end of the day , you only have yourself and you can rely on yourself to make you happy. Well the good thing is, finally I have got my big break and Iam starting my new nursing career and i have booked a vacation in japan mid janurary.
Iam excited about my new career , I have worked hard to get this far. He has texted me but it took alot of willpower but Iam proud of myself I have not replied back, but when I do pick up Il let him know how i have moved on and experiencing different things. i Wont let a man just make me crumble and fall , iam picking up myself and carrying with my life. So thankyou abella and everyone that has contributed. merry christams ;-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This happened to me 10 years ago. We were both from a background where arranged marriages are the norm. We met at work and started off being friends and then moved on to become boyfriend/girlfriend. I loved him and he loved me. We planned our future together and talked about marriage and children.
Almost 2 years later, he dumped me saying his dad wanted him to have an arranged marriage. I cried and begged him not to end things but he had made his mind up. He went on to get married and now has a son. Through my sister I know he is unhappy but that's his problem.
I had an arranged marriage too but it was doomed to failure and we got divorced 3 years later.
At the time I thought I would never get over him but I did. I probably wanted to hurt him and wished all sorts of bad things to happen to him but at the end of it all I only had myself. That's all we ever have. It will take time but you will get over him. Let him go, learn to love yourself and the time you spend with you. Let go of the hate and sorrow you feel because you are only hurting yourself.
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A
female
reader, caringgirl +, writes (19 December 2010):
caringgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno , i just wanted to add that we are both british of Indian origin, same religion same caste ,same background .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): He is messing you around badly. Whenever you cut him out of your life he seems to come running. It is the old story - he doesn't feel he can be with you but doesn't want to be without you. Well, I think you need to make the decision for him. There is only so much bad behaviour you should be prepared to take. In all honesty I think, as much as you may have feelings for him, you have reached that point. Only more heartache lies ahead with him.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 December 2010):
You had the chemistry together.
So that makes it especially hurtful and hard for you to endure.
But in time you will repair your heart, and seek new experiences, that will lead to meeting new, available, genuine potential partners.
If you can, find time to take a couple of short vacations to interesting places you always wanted to see. Now is the time to cram your life with new positive experiences. Away from places where you might run into him, or his controlling Mom. Your healing strategy is to store up some good memories and experiences from the good things you are going to do with your life from this day on.
A small memory of him will remain in your heart, you had some good times, but he did not stand up for you, when it counted. So he demonstrated that he is not worthy of you. It's sad.
But it leaves the field open for a stronger more caring kind passionate man to enter your life. A man you'll be proud to call the father of your children.
Meanwhile, his Mom will choose a girl she feels comfortable with, who she can dominate.
And you just know he and Mom's choice will have NO chemistry.
You don't even need to hurt him. He will be left for years wondering what 'might have been'.
I have no problem with arranged
marriages, where the family allow consultation between the proposed bride and groom. And are prepared to consider a love match if , all things considered, they can negotiate the things important to the parents, while keeping in mind
that a couple is very in love.
But your guy was not prepared to negotiate like a man with his Mom.
Be thankful that your children will not be fathered by a spineless wimp.
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A
female
reader, IsabelRed  +, writes (19 December 2010):
That's really sad sweetheart but i feel you should just try to leave the guy and move on. I know it would be difficult for you but trust me if you maintain no contact with him and completely breakup with him then in the end it's going to be alright. As per me if he really loves you, he would have surely convinced his mother in your favour and if he can't do so and if he can't stand by his love then he's not worth you. Don't wait for the scene to be more pathetic and painful. Just breakup and give yourself full time to heal, i am sure you'll be able to overcome him. God bless:)
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A
male
reader, Sex_counsellor +, writes (19 December 2010):
 It sounds to me like you are fighting a loosing battle. It is likely that he is being honest with you that he loves you, but obviously wants to keep his mother happy.
This is a very complex situation and I think it is going to come down to a choice - You or his mother.
I think you need to talk with him and say that is the choice and that you love him but can't waste any more time on him. he needs to decide whether he wants you - If so ensure that his mum knows so he can't keep it a secret and drop you at a later date. Why does his mum not approve? - Is it a religious thing?
I suggest that if he says that he has to honour his mums wishes then you move on and forget about him, otherwise you will find yourself being drawn back every time. Good Luck
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