A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit of a weird question. I want to know if I am being insecure of if something is amiss with this issue. My boyfriend plays games a lot as a way to escape. He has a close circle of online friends whom he speaks to a lot as he plays with them a lot. There is one guy who he is particularly close with.The thing that makes me feel uncomfortable is, that he appears to favor them and their feelings over mine. For example, he will make jokes at my expense, and comments like, oh my girlfriend wants to spend time with me, or sorry guys I have to go, I have to spend time with my lovely girlfriend. This is said with that sarcastic tone that asserts that he isn't being controlled by a woman, he is doing it to appease me and that he would rather game. I have spoken to him about how hurtful this is to me, and the last time I confronted him on something he said, he got a little huffy and said, well I've been really careful not to make comments like that, and basically said I was being too sensitive.While I admit I am sensitive, what gets to me is that he favors appearing "cool" to the guys above respecting my feelings. He doesn't want to be "pussywhipped". This just hurts because I feel he is emotionally closer to this one guy who he games with. While I know it os sill y to be jealous of this, as I know it is nothing more than a friendship, I still feel that this relationship has more value than mine to him. This is just a gut feeling, and the fact that he will make coments at my expense in my presence but will do everything to appear cool and in control when speaking to the guys. I've seen him leave comments saying things like, "I have to get around my girlfriend so I can play this game later" and once when he wouldn't come to bed because he wanted to play all night, I got upset but couldn't justify why I wanted him to come to bed with me, as he just saw my want as selfish and controlling, when in fact I just wanted to end a nice evening together by going to bed together. When I walked into the room he plays games in, he stopped talking and acted funny, saying ahh my lovely girlfriend's up, what are you doing dear? I just got the feeling that he was bitching to this guy about how I was being a bitch for wanting him to not play games all night. They have an ongoing joke about how they don't enjoy sex and would rather play games all night. I firmly believe each to their own. But I just have funny feeling about it all, that its not healthy. It's hurtful to me because I am just attempting to have a loving relationship with him, and although we do have a very good emotional relationship, it feels like he does hold back a part of himself. It feels like he has a better relationship with his computer games, his gamer mates and this one guy in particular. And while I respect that games mean a lot to him in his life, and his gamer mates have been there for him, it just feels like he doesn't take our relationship seriously. But I can't quite justify that feeling because in many other ways I feel like he does. I think he sees having a laugh with his mates gaming as completly separate to being with me, and doesn't see how his constant obsession to game and think about gaming to be alienating of me. As his love for games is so big in his life, that doesn't leav enough room for me, in a way. As he is always thinking about games, when we are together I know he is thinking about gaming. No matter what we do, I know he'd rather be gaiming. And his gamer mates share that passion with him. It's like that level of connection is something I can never share with him. Perhaps that is what I am jealous of. I know we share something special. But I didn't realise how massive this love of gaming was to him. Its like he lives to game. Although he is very intelligent and has other interests and a full time job and many friends in "real life", its like nothing else matters as much as games. They are another world to him. I know it is stupid to be jealous of his guy friends, but it just niggles me. It's like hes still a kid who wants to be seen as cool in front of the guys, and I feel like his mother or nagging wife when that is not my personality. I am really laid back, and a tomboy. I am not high maintenace at all. I've played games with him, but it's just not something I want to spend hours of my day doing, as it makes time fly too quickly for me. I'd rather enjoy my time off by being conscious and aware of myself in my life. Games are too emersing, you have to detach from reality. While this is enjoyable to me some of the time, like I said, not all day, every day, like he would do if he didn't have to work, sleep, eat and endure the responsibilities of relationships. I'm exaggerating a little, but not completly. I just want to know, do I have problems for feeling uncomfrotable and perhaps jealous of how close he is to his gamer friends? I just think, if he wnet to the effort to make me feel special and secure when he is not gaming, then I wouldn't be bothered when he is. But I feel he won't spare my feelings for the sake of his games. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I remember when we began dating, he was in awe of me and was so flirtatious. Now it's like I'm a pain in the arse for not just being content to be in the same room as him while he games. I juts feel I make the effort to show him I love him and treasure his company, but I'm not getting it back with his actions, although he tells me he loves me frequently. Why do I feel this isn't the same?
View related questions:
flirt, insecure, jealous, my ex, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 You say you respect his gaming passion, in practice you respect his addiction. Should you ?...
Or maybe, you are just a better , more tolerant person than average , - and than myself for sure.
Everybody has their own set of values, and as much as you want to show respect... it must be something that you CAN respect.
Like religion. Or politics. Or arts. Or his family, his children.
Something that you don't quite share, and that takes time away from you, but that you recognize as worthy.
But.. respect for games ? ... To the point he has to stay up all night ? And he REGULARLY prefers them to spending time with you , and he has to put you down with his friends ?.. To the point it does interfere with your relationship, and your self esteem?
I couldn't. I don't think that something like unconditional respect exists, and I am not sure it SHOULD exist.
If you have to tiptoe around his gaming passion, and always take the backseat to it, frankly to me it's like to say you " respect " him being a pothead with the need for an around the clock consumption of cannabis.
Maybe you are a very openminded, unselfish girlfriend.
Or maybe you are an enabler stuck in a codependent relationship. I honestly don't know.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 I read through your question twice, and I think there are two points here I'd like to touch on.
1. I absolutely agree with you on the idea of his putting you down to look good to his gamer friends. That is disrespectful, hurtful, and he shouldn't do it. Why not just say "I gotts run for a bit, guys!" and be done with it. He wouldn't look "whipped" if that's his reasoning, and he wouldn't have to put you down. That's the mark of insecurity and being "whipped" to the opinions of his friends. He calls you his "lovely girlfriend", yes, and he could use "the old lady" or "the old ball and chain" or something like that.
2. I disagree with you on your being jealous about his gaming. Gaming gets a bad rap the same as sports does when it comes to a guy's passion for both and his wife's/girlfriend's dislike for them. While he should not spend every waking moment on the computer, as that is not healthy, he has every right to play it and have a blast with his gamer friends. He's not out getting blasted and partying with his friends, and it's a hobby he takes enjoyment from.
I would suggest that likewise, you also find something you like doing that gives you as much passion. Don't rely on him to bring you that passion, but rather if both of you are into something, it brings great things to talk about when the two of you are together. Chances are - if he finds out that you're going out and spending time with your friends and picking up a really fun activity, the tables will be turned, and he'll be seeking time with you.
It's difficult when you don't share a love of something with your boyfriend. Maybe the two of you could pick up (or rediscover) a common interest that lights you both up. Commonalities are oftentimes what bonds people together. Don't wait for him to simply "get" it. You initiate it.
...............................
|
