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female
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*e'cee
writes: I need help. Me and my boyfriend of 8 years are expecting again. Unfortunately for me, he doesnt want anymore children. He has expressed this to me before even before our first child, but he knew since I was 11 years younger than him and didnt have any children, that I would want one. He already has 3 other children besides the one year old he has with me and even has a granchild 6 weeks younger than our child. He wasnt completely against having more in the future, far future, but I have just found out I am 5 months pregnant again. Didnt know until the baby started moving. He wanted me to have an abortion but it is too late for that. Now he wants me to give the baby up for adoption. I dont want anymore kids right now either, but I am having a hard time feeling this baby move and knowing that I will have to hand him/her over. So I left with, either being a single mother of 2, or a family with one child.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Hi
I agree with 'Iamheretohelpyou'. He needs to have a vasectomy asap and you need to be prepared for the emotional fall out of giving your baby up for adoption.You may well need counselling both before and after.
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female
reader, Ne'cee +, writes (12 December 2012):
Ne'cee is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. Me and my husband have thought of our options, and have decided that it would be best to place the child for adoption. We have already started looking for the perfect parents. We have the opportunity to give this child a possible future that we believe would be best. I really appreciate the comment from allison0523. It meant alot to reassure our decision.
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female
reader, allison0523  +, writes (11 December 2012):
First of all, I think you are being smart by looking into your options if this is something that you and your husband do not know if you want. If you are not ready for another child and/or cannot financially support that child, adoption is a very viable option. That is a choice that you and/or your husband have to make. There are many people out there that would be great parents looking to adopt because they cannot have children. And you can have an open adoption, if you so choose and still have contact with the child. You can even pick the adoptive parents if you want. If you would have considered an abortion, you should consider adoption. You would not be a bad parent to realize that you cannot care for this child in the way it deserves to be cared for. Would you want this child to grow up in a home where they are possible resented by their father? Or mistreated? These are some of the things that happen when someone is not on board. Maybe he changes his mind and accepts the child completely, maybe not. My husband and I are trying to adopt right now and are good people with a good, stable income that could provide well for a child. Whatever, you decide, I think it's a decision you and your husband should make together. Good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): To the other anon that referenced me. My dad did not wanted me, but he loves me, and honestly my mom is such a wonderful woman that I am happy I was never put on adoption.
I suggested she keep it if SHE wanted, men come and go, while children are forever. She is having doubts becuase she wants to keep it, but also wants to give in to the pressure of her husband.
To the OP. Whatever you do, do it becuase YOU want to, because you know it is the best for you and the baby. Do not give into pressure. :/ If your husband cannot deal, a divorce is there.
I hope you come to a decision that makes you happy. If you decide on adoption I suggest you start looking NOW, as the younger the babies the better chance of adoption they have. Inquire on open and closed adoptions etc, do your WHOLE homework so you can make a more informed choice.
AND BY THE LOVE OF GOD HE HAS TO GET A DAMN VASECTOMY.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Give this child up for adoption, please. It's clear that it's not going to have a happy home with you and your husband because it's not wanted. Look at the example of the male anon poster below who said his dad didn't want him. As a result, his mom had to fulfill the role of both parents.
I'm adopted, and both my parents WANTED me. I come from a loving and supportive family as a result of being adopted. I don't consider my biological parents to be my real parents. I've met them, we have a cordial relationship but I consider them more like distant relatives. My adoptive parents are my real parents because they actually WANTED me. I'm so glad I was given up for adoption. I can't imagine the life I would have had if my biological parents had given into pressure to keep me against their will just to satisfy other people's misplaced sense of moral outrage.
I'm disappointed at the number of people trying to guilt trip you into keeping this child. Hello?? Ever think about what's in the child's best interest rather than forcing other people to uphold some moral code against their wishes? Forcing people to conform to some outward action doesn't mean that their hearts will change. The fact that two people made a baby does not mean that this baby is better off with them than with other people who would actually want him/her.
It's more important that the child be raised in a loving family who WANTS him/her, than to be with the biological parents. I can't stress enough the importance of being wanted. I have friends who as adults have serious psychological issues due to dysfunctional family relationships since childhood that made them feel unwanted as a core basic way of being. I'm dismayed whenever people seem to want to force others to keep children they don't want, as if the act of forcing them will make them want it any more.
Let me put it this way. You keep this child that neither you nor your husband want and what happens? The child will probably grow up to have psychological issues because as imperfect humans you will probably treat this child different. Please don't do this to this innocent child. You keep this child, and it could also wreck your marriage and current family of 4 kids and a grandkid because it's wrecking your husband's life. You give this child up for adoption, and he/she could have a much healthier happier home than with you, and your existing family could also be saved.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 December 2012):
Hi
No way can you give up your baby to strangers because HE doesn't want you to keep it.I wouldn't.Its not a box of chocolates its a child,your baby..Is it what you want?
You two need to talk and fast.
Also IF you stay together one of you needs to make sure you prevent another pregnancy,condoms and birth control.He could have the snip.He has 4 children and a grandchild so he should have taken permanant steps to prevent a 5th, not tell you to give it away.
As he made it clear from the start he didnt want more children perhaps you should have listened too, particulaly as after 8 years and a child together, he hasn't married you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Don't make any decisions until you hold that baby in your arms. Then make your decision.
As for what he wants, tough shit, he shouldn't have made you pregnant if he didn't want kids. Guess how many women I've made pregnant when I didn't want kids? That's right, none. I don't want kids so I don't make them pregnant. It's not rocket science, everything after that is up to the woman, it's her body.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (4 December 2012):
Do what YOU want, its your baby as well and I am afraid he is too late to blackmail you. If he really means it you are better off without him. He will have to support you in any case. Your baby would rather grow up with you, remember that and take strength to stand up for yourself, just do it more nicely than he did. Good luck.
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female
reader, Ne'cee +, writes (4 December 2012):
Ne'cee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was on birth control, which is why I didnt even think I was pregnant. I switched a few times which is the reason my doctor believes I became pregnant.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Children are not disposable, I honestly am appalled that you would consider further breeding with someone who DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN. I am amazed at the fact that after 5 months you did not notice antyhing amiss, or that you would not be ON BIRTH CONTROL or HIM GETTING FIXED as he did not want kids.
Either you are both very unedcuated, or he is an ....hole. Which is also true.
Have some back bone and personality, how would YOU feel of bringin a child in and having other people take care of them. You do know some people take in foster kids just to collect $$$$$ and mistreat them right? You know how adoption rates recrease as the child gets older.
My father did not want to have me either, but he did not get fixed, but my mother did want me and she LOVED me, and she fulfills my need for a father. My dad loved me too, but we both know he did not want more kids.
My mom and my dad BOTH made me, as you and your husband BOTH made this child. It is not like you two are two teens that don;t know how the "bees pollinate the flowers" because you already have a child.
Be an ADULT and take RESPONSIBILITY for your actions and your sheer carelessness. HAVE YOUR OWN OPIION, HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?????? It is YOUR body, make a choice and stick to it. Abortion, Keeping it or giving it up for adoption. Do it FOR YOU, if this is a money issue sue him for child support.
I would SERIOUSLY consider the man I am married to and I the one I let stick it in, if he can't be responsible and stick with you he does not even deserve to be called a man.
UGH@!!!!!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2012):
 Well there is no way I would give up my child because he doesn't/didn't want another child with you.
It's a day late and a dollar short for him to make SUCH a decision.
IF he TRULY didn't want more kids, he should have gotten a vasectomy and use a condom EVERY time he has sex. And you should be on birth control as well.
I think he is being utterly selfish and ridiculous.
The thing is, you two need to sit down and figure out if you can handle this financially - Though I have to say, in my experience, if you can afford 1 child a second isn't that much more expensive.
He can't just MANDATE that this is how it's going to be. YOU two HAVE to figure this out together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Another idea would also be to use contraception to prevent, if not radically reduce the chances of you becoming pregnant when its not what you both want.
I agree with So Very Confused, I wouldn't advise giving up or aborting a child because someone else says they want you to. On the other hand though, if you're not ready for another child, then you have to do what you feel is right, but as I said already, you should prevent this happening in the first place rather than go through this every time you get pregnant against your desire.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 December 2012):
 I would not give up the child for adoption because someone else wants you to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012):
He helped make this baby and the baby is not some stray puppy or handbag that you need to off load..
He needs to grow up, of he doesn't want anymore, fine tell him to go get fixed.. But he needs to understand that your keeping this baby and he sure better start acting like the father as he made it...
Sit down once the shock has subsided a bit and see if you can work this through.. You clearly have maternal instinct to this baby, he needs to understand that . And okey the timing isn't fab for both of you but guess what your pregnant and you can't just hand it over ..
This is a equal partnership he has no right to bully you and tell you what to do..
Take care sweetie..
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