A
female
age
51-59,
*annon
writes:I am divorced. I started sleeping with a co-worker. He and I are really great friends. He tells me all the time that I am his best friend. We do so much together. He does not want a girl friend. I understand that, I myself am getting out of a marriage. We have been hanging out and doing things together for nine months now. We said at the beginning that we would tell each other when we slept with someone else....and so far it is just the two of us. I told him that I wanted us to be exclusive. Not label us or anything. He said again that he did not want a girlfriend. That he liked what we have. What we have is a gf/bf type relationship. When he was telling me that he did not want a gf I heard him say he did not want to be accountable to someone else. I get that too. I am not asking him to change anything that we have. I just want to know that he wants to be there for me. He has told me he loves me. Not that he is in love with me....just that he loves me. We have made plans for the future. That we are going to do this and that in August or some other future date. I am trying to spend less time with him because I do love him. I am in love with him. I told him that I am backing off from our relationship because of how I feel. He understands.....but still wants to hang out even if we are not sleeping together. He has told me he wants me in his life no matter what. Am I stupid? should I just stop seeing him altogether? I know it hurt him yesterday when I told him that I was trying to avoid hanging out with him for the past few weeks. I do not know - I am just a mess over this. I think I am afraid no one will ever love me. That is the real reason for avoiding him, I want to spend some alone time with me and be okay with it. I know there are things I need to work on myself. help
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female
reader, rainbows29 +, writes (26 January 2009):
OMG, I thought I actually wote this myself. I am in your EXACT situation, . I am divorced.Except, the reason that the guy is calling me a "girlfriend of the future" and planning future activities for us, is that he and his ex girlfriend, just had a child who is 8 months old and he wants to bond with the baby first. He was a coworker also.I am still trying to understand this " I want to be your future boyfriend thing" myself, its very confusing and powerful, like relationship handcuffs. Seems a way to lock you into his life, indefinitely until he figures his life out. So far its been 8 months for me. He remains on my mind, even though we are taking it slow and I am leaving myself open to meeting others.I would honestly like to know your outcome, hopefully if its positive it can give me some hope.
A
female
reader, cannon +, writes (28 May 2008):
cannon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you who responded. It has really helped to have someone tell you what you need to hear. I am taking more time for me. And slowing things down with him. I feel really good about this too. Thank you so much for helping me keep my head straight.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (23 May 2008):
 You say you are in the process of getting a divorce so you most likely have unresolved issues to contend with there. You really should give yourself some time before you allow yourself to fall for someone so quickly. You need to figure out what you want in life, besides the new guy, and then do some living on your own.
I am concerned that you say you are in love with this new man and he is saying loud and clear that he doesn't want a girlfriend. From what you are saying it seems you are hopeful that he will change his mind. It's nice to have a good friend but it seems that you have let your heart get a little more involved and now you are the one who may end up getting hurt.
I think it would be best for you to keep some distance and maybe even not to have a physical relationship with the new guy until you sort out what the new guy is capable of giving and then you need to figure out if that is going to be enough.
Take some time with your divorce too. Just that process alone makes you vulnerable to feeling alone and choosing someone who is not right for you just to avoid being alone. Be ok with you before you get serious in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 You have a great friendship relationship, and he, of course, does not want to loose that. If, however, you are in love with him, be aware that you are the one with the heart in the line.
A time for your own is a good idea. That will help you sort things out and give him time to also to analyze what the two of you have and if he wants to take it to the next level. Only time will tell but I believe a break for the two of you would be a good choice.
Best of lucks!
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