A
female
age
51-59,
*ady_daisy
writes:My husband of 12 years recently told me he wants a divorce. After arguing and fighting about this we said we would go to counseling. Only through the 3 meeting did I find out that he doesn't trust me anymore and is not in love with me because he said of the 2 things I did to this family. I never cheated on him and been a loyal and faithful wife through our whole marriage even when he was deployed many times. We purchased a house 2 and a half years ago and even though the payment was high we still did it. I did all the bills well, my hours got cut back a little and I started juggling bills and starting falling behind well to some it up after months of doing this a started falling behind on our house payment and penilizied were being attached and so on I was so stress hiding letter and then trying to find a way to tell him. He ended up finding out I was relieved but scared . He tried to work something out with mortgage company but they won't budge. We ended up losing our house. I thought we were over but we had long talks and he forgave me and we found another place to live. I then gave him all the bills and promised him I would give him my tips and pay to him everyday. Well, everything was nice for a year then I needed money for some holiday stuff for our kids and other thing I started using his credit card and ran it up 3500. he found out I apologized and cut the card up. I have been good and not spending nothing I understand I did wrong and he knows I have a habit sometimes to be a implusive spender but now almost 8 months later he decides he doesn't trust me and never will and wants to end it. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): You seem to have a low self-esteem. He may not trust you, but he also may not respect you. If he hasn't left yet, then he really doesn't want to go. He just wants you to change. Show him that you mean business and take stuff back or sell it to pay down the $3,500 in charges you made. Get together with him on your finances and develop a plan. Unless you were charging up a storm when you owned your house, you lost it because you couldn't afford it. It happens a lot...no need to think poorly of yourself. In the end, if you can't come to a point where you trust & respect each other, then it might be best you move on with your lives. It might be better for all involved.
A
female
reader, lady_daisy +, writes (8 November 2009):
lady_daisy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter me asking this question I thought alot about what the advice would be from others. It is hard to write all thed etails about the question. But to comment more. My husband and I have always been best friends. We both are spontanious spends sometimes. me more then him. But, I never on myself. But, mine stems from my childhood of being spoiled and not being taught money importants. Since the being of our marriage my husband got orders overseas so I was given the responsibility of the finances and caring for my children it was easy at first but I was working not many bills. When he came home we moved and I guess I just kept the role. It ws still easy since we lived on base no rent no car payments no electricity payments either. Since he was deployed alot I just kept it going. When after 7 years of that we moved again and bought our first house and that is when depression set in for me and that is when I started taking on more bills. It started getting overwhelming for me and I didn't want him to think I couldn't handle it he was going to school working and working I was too but I only had one class but working. I didn't want him to get mad and think I couldn't handle it. Stupid me. So I got more depressed dropped school and as the bills were pilling in I paid what I could but could not pay in full. We got into this house at a very high interest rate paying 2400 a months which we knew would be hard but hoping in 2 years to remodify it. I guess in a way we didn't realize how much this payments was hard and to live like we use too. And me I didn't want to tell anyone. My fault. that is when it started. Snowball effect. After that the rest is in my last comment. When we lost our house I lost myself and my husband forgave me and I am thankful. But the 3500 I spent on the credit card was over a year spand I was not doing the bills he was we were in a house that was beatiful and cheaper. I was still depression over the house and and my life and school. The 3500 I spent on the credit card was on things I got for my kids and house (gifts) also, I then saved my cash for other things too. Since I gave my husband my cash I made every night. He would give me cash back if I need gas or other things. I know this is a problem andI have entered myself in finacial counseling. I have since been good. I love him and my children and dont want to lose him we get along so good. If you saw us as a family and couple you would never imagine we have problems or contemplating a divorece. Has anyone ever been though something like this? I am trying to clarify my last question for viewers.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (7 November 2009):
 $3500 after you already lost the house?!?
You lied to him again after you lied and lost the trust once. He gave you another chance to be honest with him and you went behind his back to an amazing extent ($3500, I'm just stunned). The trust is gone and you have no one but yourself to blame. Deceit and pain doesn't only result from cheating on your marriage...it comes from finding out the person that you loved has violated your trust and that is just as heartbreaking as being cheated on.
Right now you need to accept his decision. At least with child support he won't have any surprises. In the meantime I think that you should try to find some counseling and not only learn to control your spending, but learn to be more open and not hide your financial problems until after they mushroom.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): Wow, this sounds odd- first, the two of you should have implemented a transparent method of dealing with your bills. Collect them, open them together, pay them together, develop a budget and monitor it. It's hard, but shining a bright light on your finances would have taken the stress out of it over time and you could have beating this...My question is why didn't he get more invovled- and in a constructive way. He may have simply allowed himself to get beaten down by all this drama, and now want out of the drama- I think this is less about your financial situation and more about him wanting away from the pressure.Eight months of honerable activity on your part makes me think there's another reason for this... talk to him, see if he'll open up. If he thinks things are tough now, divorce and child support will be worse.
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