A
female
age
41-50,
*uju67
writes:Hi. I am a 42 year old woman and I am panicking because I think I might be a commitment phobe. Here's a little bit of background.Two years ago I came to London to enrol for a post graduate MA in art. I managed to get a place in a very good art college and I was able to finance my self with freelance design art jobs. Soon after arriving here I met an English man, 2 years younger than myself. Although he was not physically attractive to me I found him easy to talk to and also very funny and kind. Most people would agree that should be enough.Prior to him I had only ever dated men 7 - 10 years younger than myself.Some successful, some not. So I felt I should give someone my age a chance! As the recession hit I became very stressed out. I began to panic about not having any financial security. My now English boyfriend , had been made redundant but seemed content to do nothing about finding a new job...the result was that we had to move from living in a lovely flat in a pretty area, to sharing a room in a horrible commune. It felt very depressing. There were no art jobs so I had to resort to a sales job working in a horrible, competitive enviroment. I felt very down and humiliated about this.. to me it was as though I was taking a huge step backwards instead of forwards. I also had to defer my MA because I was not coping. I could not deal with his lack of initiative and total inertia.I broke it off and decided I would be better focusing my energy on sorting my self out than trying to motivate a very stubborn man.This happened six months ago and instead of making the effort to go out there and meet new people I find myself still meeting up with him. In the time we have been apart I have found some balance in my life. I feel less stressed, slightly more accepting of my situation but still hopeful for the future and my dreams, despite being 42!My ex has still not found a job but is starting to look. He still drinks heavily with his friends and does no sport. Both of which upset me.But then not everyone should be like me!My confusion is that although I feel and care for him I can not have sex yet. I find myself friezing up and pushing him away.I am wondering if this is just my commitment anxiety or if I am really just not that into him. My question is why am I not able to commit to a man who is my dear friend? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, juju67 +, writes (7 November 2009):
juju67 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Thankyou very very much for your comments. In a way you have allowed me to free myself from these tormenting feelings and, trust my instinct and go forth and seek someone who will truelly 'make my heart jump'!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): You have answerd your own question "he is your friend",the problem is you do not have the feelings for him as a lover. I would continue to be his friend and forget about being in a relationship with him. If you are going to fall in love with him you will but while you are stressing about what you cannot do you are messing up the friendship. If he wants more then its time to call time, as you do not seem to me to be in love with him or fancy him. Its time to move on and live your life, when you meet someone who makes your heart jump you will have no problem with the sex. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): Since the recession hit, a lot of people have been feeling this way. I don't think anxiety and apprehension for the future makes you a commitment phobe. It makes you as normal as any 42 year old woman who is seeking a fulfilling job, comfortable place to live, and a retirement nest. I think it is only natural that people refrain from committing to another when they have not established themselves first. I am in my early twenties and I have put everything on hold until I finish grad school...everything...even dating nowadays. I don't think that makes me a commitment phobe...lonely as hell, reclusive, a bit sad at times...but I hope over the long haul it may give us the space and time to build the foundation we need for the future- which in this day and age- doesn't seem stable or predictable.Love,GAbraham Lincoln: "The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time."
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